HELP! It's Valentines Day and I've Got Problems.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked people to send me their questions regarding love/sex/relationships and anything else that you felt comfortable asking someone who is in no way qualified to give advice.

And then some weird stuff happened, which I'm totally into. So in honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I would get your hearts-a-beatin' with some questions about turtle fucking. You read that right.

Take the day off, Cupid, I've got this love shit covered.


What would be the most reasonable, yet bat-shit crazy thing I can introduce into lovemaking with my wife?

Midgets. Wait, I don't think that is politically correct. A little person. I would introduce a little person into lovemaking with your wife. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Allie, I thought I said reasonable." And you did, but I'm not exactly sure what the dictionary definition of that word is, so I'm going with midget-fucking. Listen, your wife is gonna love it, because it's not quite a threeway, it's more like a two-and-a-half-way and that's called taking it slow.

So go now, scour Craiglist, but remember a lot of these super-sexy little people are basically walking tripods, so bring your A-game. If not, that little rascal might be making some height adjustments to your house in the near future, understand?

Scientifically speaking, what are my chances of hooking up with Rihanna?

Here's  a checklist. Have you ever been arrested? Have you ever been arrested for assaulting a woman? Have you ever thrown a chair out of the Today show dressing room window? Do you like throat tattoos? Were you ever on the Canadian soap, Degrassi? Has anyone ever looked at your naked body and compared you to a horse?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you have a 97.6 percent chance of being able to hook up with Rihanna. If not, there's always the video where her and Shakira pretend to have lesbian sex.

My wife wants to introduce a turtle into bedroom affairs. What do I say? Why do people want to bang animals anyways?

I've never thought of a turtle as a super sexual animal, maybe a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but that's mainly because they have masks and I've had a fetish for bank robbers ever since I saw Point Break when I was a kid. (Oh Keanu, you're so dumb and dreamy). Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, fucking turtles. Don't do it. She'll never respect you.

And why do people want to bang animals? Um, I blame that hot werewolf from Twilight.


My wife just stumbled upon my huge selection of '70s pornography. My huge selection (it filled up the trunk of my Honda Civic at one time). She wants to divorce. I want her to grow an amazing bush. What do I do?

I do admire your dedication to '70s pornography, kind sir, but I think you need to let your wife know that you're not some kind of sexual deviant obsessed with powermuffs. Maybe lay off the porn for awhile, donate your collection to the Pornography Historical Society and let her know that you love her for who she is, not her bush.

Then hide all of her razors.


I'm afraid that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. He's always texting but never tells me who it is, keeps his FB annoyingly private, and hasn't had a lot of time for me lately? What should I do?

I don't think you should be so quick to judge, maybe your boyfriend is a spy. Have you ever thought about that? He's out making sure the world is a safer place for the both of us and you're too busy worrying about the privacy settings on his Facebook. Just kidding, he sounds horrible. Unfortunately, there's no way to find out for sure if the scumbag is cheating. I'd say trust your gut in this scenario, because if something doesn't feel right it usually isn't. 

Now for what to do, I've got one question ... how's your pubic hair, because I think I might have the perfect rebound guy for you.


I've always dreamed about experiencing erotica in a public establishment, preferably an airplane, train, or some other mode of public transportation. Maybe even a tricycle. How and where do I go to find someone who would be interested?

I don't know, maybe the Internet.

***

And that's it, ladies and gents! I hope each and every one of you have a special Valentine's Day or at least a special day after Valentine's Day once candy is 75% off. 

I love you all and would totally put a hand-written valentine in each one of your lockers if this was 7th grade, but it's not, so you wanna take whatever Miley Cyrus is on and watch that Shakira video on repeat?

No? Okay, worth a shot.

P.S. If after reading this you think, I'd like to get some horrible advice from the girl who makes my coffee, then write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. And as always, you will remain anonymous.

I'm Like Dear Abby with More Swearing.

Remember that fun thing I used to do when I answered readers' love/sex/relationship/etc. questions here? Wasn't that fun?

We laughed. We cried. We were thankful for our long term relationships.

Well, I want to do that again! And not just because I can't think of anything to write about. Okay, mostly because I can't think of anything to write about, but also because I feel I've been given a special gift, to answer super weird questions about your or your partners genitals.

And it's not fair to not share my God-given gift with the world.

So, please, write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. Or have your "friend" write to me. Or your cousin. Or your dad. I mean, really I don't care if you make something up, I'm just having mad writer's block and desperately need everyone's help to make sure my blog doesn't die and go to the Land of Misfit blogs!

Ohh, and you will remain anonymous.

Here's some previous posts in case you need to verify my totally bullshit credentials.


Help! My Hymen is Growing Back.

Help! My F#ck Buddy is Turning into a Cuddle Buddy.

Help! My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Eat at My Lady Buffet.

Help! I'm DTF a D-Bag.

How Can I Get My Boyfriend to Punch me in the Face.


Convinced, yet?

No? Too bad! Email me, anyway. You can also message me on Twitter or Facebook.

Please Don't Do That: Food and Sex Edition

I was surveying the magazine rack while waiting in line at the grocery store the other day, when I noticed a boisterous men's fitness magazine exclaiming that inside it's glossy pages lay sex tips bound to make its readers the greatest lovers imaginable. Okay, I'll bite.

I opened the magazine. It's my duty as an unqualified sexual advisor/coffee maker to know how to make a woman lose her shit. Also, I'm not entirely sure I don't have a quasi-lesbian phase ready to sneak up on me at any time.

The article read like cheap erotica. Supposedly women were telling about their hottest sexual experiences, and how they were linked to their senses.

Taste. Touch. Smell. Sleepy. Dopey. Doc. The whole gang.

About three sentences in, I knew it was going to end badly. It was like watching Jodi Foster give her speech at the Goldens Globes.

Is there anyway a woman actually wrote this? She must have been under duress. What are they doing to their female interns over at Men's Health?

"He poured honey over my navel and hip bones, then softly licked and bit my skin. When he kissed me afterward, he tasted sweet."

Umm, no. Have you ever fucked with honey?!

I'm a barista and can tell you for certain that honey is basically just tasty-ass super glue. You might as well roll around in hot tar.

Don't put honey on anyone.

Sure it sounds sexy in theory, but afterward when your lady friend has to loofah off three layers of skin just so she can stop feeling like a sticky mouse trap, she's not going to feel sexy. She's going to feel like she has road rash.

After being surprised that horrible sex advice came from an outlet other than Cosmo, I decided to do a little digging and see what other "advice" was aimed at the fellas. To my surprise, a lot of it revolved around sex and food.

"Anyone who watched Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke in the fridge scene in the kinky movie 9 1/2 Weeks, knows that food incorporated into a sexual encounter can make women crazy with delight." [AskMen.com]

A lot of things make me crazy with delight but getting hummus licked out of my bellybutton is not one of them.

You know what would make me crazy with delight? You not needing a snack during coitus.

And if you even think about putting honey on me, I get to punch you in the throat.

Guys, if you have questions about how to please your lady or what's appropriate to put on her while doing the no-pants dance, write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. I'm completely unqualified, but I'm pretty sure that puts me in the same league as these folks writing for major publications.

Oh, and as always, you will remain anonymous.

Help! My Wife Sucks. But Not Literally.

 Dear Allie,

While most of your readers are probably 20-somethings, I'm a bit older but just as clueless.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, and while she had more than a few partners before we met (including one marriage), she was my first. She is also 10 years older than me and we're reaching *middle age*. Sex has gone from twice a week to maybe once a quarter; when she's done, she is DONE and I have to fend for myself; she won't try anything different to help me; she won't help orally or handily because "my jaw hurts" or "my hand hurts".

I do love her, I won't leave her or cheat on her, and talking things out fully clothed has not helped. Am I just stuck fending for myself?

 Sincerely,
Tired of Fending


Ahh shit. This is going to be serious, isn't it?

I don't know if I mentioned this lately, but I have absolutely zero qualifications in the advice-giving field. I make lattes with my college degree, so obviously there's a lapse in judgement there somewhere.

So Fending, take this as a disclaimer: I make coffee for a living, so I cannot in good conscience tell you TO LEAVE YOUR WIFE. But if I had like a certificate from the University of Phoenix or that online school Shannon Doherty is always running her mouth about, I'd probably tell you TO LEAVE YOUR WIFE. But I don't. So I can't.

Fending, I get it. I've been with my significant other for nearly 10 years and sometimes it literally takes everything I have to not punch him in the throat when he starts wagging his dick at me. Sometimes living a life with someone is a sexual buzz kill. It's like, "Why would I want to get naked and start the revolution with you, when I'm still trying to forget about the pubic hair forest I had to clean off the toilet seat?" Long-Term relationships aren't always sexy.

But, as I've said before and will repeat again, SEX IS IMPORTANT. And denying your spouse access to sex, when sex was previously on the table, leads to hurt feelings, resentment, and writing to strangers on the Internet.

You said you've already talked to her. You said you won't cheat on her. You said you won't leave her.

Well, dollface, sounds like you don't have a whole lot of options. I don't know the situation, maybe you guys have children, maybe she's heir to an oil fortune. But I do know that if something doesn't change, you'll put $50 in the hands of a Craigslist hooker without a jawbone.

Maybe you need to tell the wife that. And then try to hammer out some terms that will get laid more frequently, either by her or someone else.

But then again, I'm in no way qualified to give this advice.

P.S. If after reading this you think, "I'd like to have sex with a hooker without a jawbone." Then write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. You will remain anonymous!

Today Class, We Will be Watching an Educational Video.

My friend and former college radio co-host is in town from grand ol' Washington D.C. for the weekend. In celebration of our short-term reunion, we're going to get wasted-face on $1 beers while watching cute boys run around bases and shit.


It's gonna be a blast.


However since I'm not a very professional blogger, I didn't pre-write my Sexytime Thursday advice post. 


[Cue hysterical cries.]

Calm down, kiddos, I have the next best thing. A professional giving qualified sex advice and looking super creepy while doing it!

If you want to bang anything after watching this video, you deserve a fucking medal.

Enjoy.

P.S. If after watching this you're all like, "Oh, that was horrible. I'd rather take my sex advice from that chick who makes my latte." Write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. You will remain anonymous.

A Former Whore from Facebook Helps me Inspire my Spouse

For everyone who doesn't know, I love Facebook (you should follow me there, btw). I love my Hannity-obsessed relatives. I love my white-trash classmates. I love the University of Phoenix ads.

And maybe more than anything else, I love the super-whores who somehow through their whoring journey, found the Lord and now they are really excited to share the news with everyone.

Recently, one of these ladies posted a link to an advice article, and since I love giving advice I thought I would share the highlights with all of you. Read the full article HERE.

50 Ways to Inspire Your Husband

1. Initiate Great Sex. 

Vaginal and missionary only.

Good girls don't get on top.

3. Give Him One Night to do Something He Loves. 

Like meth and dudes on Craigslist.

Remember Ted Haggard?

5. Ask Him About His Bucket List.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

8. Text Him. Reminder: I Believe in You.

I did this. He texted back, 

"Are you stoned?"

9. Make Sure He Feels Respected By You.

So "fucktard" probably isn't a 

great pet name, huh?

17. Initiate Great Sex.

Again? Have you been reading 

"50 Shades of Grey"?

20. Post on His Facebook Wall: "I Love Being Your

 Wife. See me Tonight Regarding This."

Jesus! What if his Nana

 is on Facebook?

21. Gently Communicate with Him About what you Like in Bed, and 

Respond Encouragingly To his Attempts.

IT'S CALLED A CLITORIS! HAVE 

YOU FUCKING HEARD OF IT?

34. Do Something From his To-Do List for Him -- Something

 he'd Rather Have you do Anyway.

Jack off. 

Check!

36. Create a Cheerful Atmosphere when he Comes Home.

Does crying uncontrollably while watching

"The Notebook" count?

38. Discover His Love Language and Become even 

More Fluent in it?

I think it's gonna involve his penis!!

41. Organize or Clean Something in your Home that

 you Know he Finds Messy.

Seriously?
 I need a drink.

44. Initiate Great Sex.

Show me on the doll where your

Stepdad touched you.

And last but not least...

50. If and when he Messes up, Respond with the Kind of

 Grace, Compassion, and Mercy that God gives us. Respond

 in a Way that Communicates, "You're Safe with me -- 

and I'm Not Going to Rehash Your Failures.

This is a Secure Place for you to Grow...

and I Love the Journey with You."

You have to be fucking kidding me? 
Did you really say "if and when"? Who the hell are you married to?

Also, I'm gonna rehash the shit out of your failures. 

Well guys, I think we just stepped into Rick Santorum's America. Thanks former whore from Facebook. I will take these tips into consideration, or I'll put a bullet in my mouth.

Now I'm off to initiate great sex with my boyfriend and then when he does something right, let him know I'm proud of him and respect his authority.

Help! My Sexual Advisor Sucks at her Job

Dear Allie,


How can I make my girlfriend cum? 


-Anonymous




Stop spelling it C-U-M. That should about do it, Anon.

Anyone else want to throw their hat in the sex advice ring?

I've got basketball to watch.

XOXO

ALLIE

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Holy shit! She's really bad at this advice-giving thing. There's not a chance in hell I'll send her an email." Send me one, anyway, at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie.  You will remain anonymous.

How to Sext: Part 2

I've recently noticed that one of my most read blog posts is "Cosmo Teaches Us How to Sext. Thank God". The post is all about Cosmo giving the worst sexting advice to impressionable girls.

I wish I could say people are finding this post because they're looking for a mocking commentary on the women's magazine, but that is just not the case. This piece is popular because when people type a certain phrase into Google, my blog pops up. That phrase is... How To Sext.

When I first wrote about sexting, I had no idea people were so eager to learn the art cellular seduction, but now I feel that it's my duty as an unqualified sex advisor to give the people what they want.

Sexting 101.

• Arousing visuals are important when it comes to sexting (just ask any congressman/actor/athlete). But that does not mean that great sexting should be all tits and flaccid penises, sometimes a sexy little prop does the trick.

Poorly written erotica doesn't count.

• Although, it is very important to let your sexting partner know exactly what's waiting for them. Enter the grainy, self-photo of your genitals. Yowza!

Remember to play up your best assets.

• Okay, forget pictures... Sexting really is all about the naughty details. A great sexter is a champion at tantalizing their partner with some mind-blowing word play. 

Never use the word "ointment" in sexting.

• If all this stuff seems pretty novice, then maybe you are a big-league sexter. For these pros I would suggest implementing a little fantasy in your sexting. It's like virtual roleplaying.

Maybe sexy librarian would be a better choice.

• And if all else fails, remember, nothing says "Fuck me like I'm paying your rent" more than an EMOJI!  8====D~~~ ( ;

And they lived happily ever after.

Suck on that, Cosmo! 

Dude on Craigslist Explains How to be a Catch

The emails are starting to dry up at I'm Not Really a Barista. So instead of my usual unqualified relationship/sex advice, this Thursday I decided to take another trip to the personals Craigslist. Take a little looksie at this gem.

Man, oh, man, who knew Steve Harvey was hanging out on Craigslist doling out advice on how to be the best vagina-haver ever. I mean, I really appreciate this fine young gentleman giving me tips on how to make a fella happy, but I have a couple small issues with his suggestions.

1. Craigslist Guy suggests that I should be a lady in public AT ALL TIMES, because men value virtue. By virtue, I'm going to assume he means tits... men value tits. And what do ladies have? Yep, you guessed it, boobies. So to be a "lady in public at all times" actually means, reveal so much of your breasts that you are literally on the verge of getting arrested every time you go outside.

2. Second, only to showing your girly-pillows, is being a master chef because "guys like to eat." Hmm... I hope he likes Hot Pockets, because I can microwave the shit out of a Hot Pocket.

3. Alright, Craigslist Guy, I wanted to take you seriously, but I can't respect someone giving relationship advice on a site best known for 12-year-old hookers if they make careless typos. Everyhting? Really? And to think I was going to be a TOTAL slut for you!

Thanks a lot random CL dude. I'm always looking for ways to make myself more desirable to the opposite sex, especially when it comes from someone undoubtedly living in his parents' basement.

Have fun playing World of Warcraft!

P.S. If you're looking for real unqualified advice from someone who has actually touched another human being, email me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. You will remain anonymous!

Help! Snooki is Making Me Feel Sexually Inadequate

Allie, 
Okay so I have more of a question than a problem. Snooki the little meatball from the MTV show "Jersey Shore" is always talking about "sucking butt" is this just a saying or are there really self-respecting females out there sucking butt? Now don't get me wrong, I will give a bj and lick your balls, hell, I will even kiss or nibble your taint, but I will under no circumstance "suck your butt." So my question is: Is this just a funny saying or is the newest sex craze "baby I can't wait to suck your butt" because if it is I'm afraid that I can no longer call myself open minded in bed.

Suck Your.... What?!?!?!?

I'm not. 


Snooki is.


I don't know which one you should trust when it comes to all your asshole-sucking expectations. I mean, she's got a book, a TV show and probably many pre-cancerous moles, and all I have is a blog. Plus, I'm positive she has banged more dudes than I have. Maybe we should all just take sex advice from Snooki.


But then again, the ol' Snookster is the color of a dirty penny and answers to the name Snooki, so maybe she doesn't make the best life decisions. So, I decided to bring in another opinion. Enter: My best friend.

My best friend is a complete sexual deviant (you would think her father didn't love her or something) and she's not doing it, so I don't think it has quite hit the mainstream. But I would get yourself prepared, SWS, because once it's on MTV it's not long before everyone is doing it. 

How does one get prepared for Anallingus, you ask...

Step 1. Vote Republican*

That's really the only step. Those silly bastards seem to love the asshole. See: Roberto Arango.

* Please don't actually vote Republican. Thanks.

XOXO Allie

P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Help! Sheets are Expensive

Allie hi!

I have been with this guy I am extremely attracted to but I have never came. I fake it or make him stop because I don't want to orgasm. I am very embarrassed because I am a squirter or more of a gusher. When I masturbate I have to change my sheets. It's gross, I know but I can't help it. I am very embarrassed because the first time I had an orgasm my highschool bf was going down on me and he accused me of pissing on his face!! I was mortified and I haven't let myself orgasm with a guy since! I feel like nobody would want to be with me if I told them and it's not like when it's getting all hot and heavy I can be like "hey by the way if I orgasm and u get all wet it's ok I didn't pee pinky promise!" What should I do? I really like this guy and I want to enjoy the sex as much as he does but I don't want to scare him off!

Thx

Southern Squirter


Umm...well... I'm out. I shall leave this one up to my just-as-unqualified readers. Let SS know what she should do in the comments.


Fuck, I need to go to church. 

XOXO Allie

P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Help! My Girlfriend Has a Gag Reflex

Dear Barista,
I seem to have a problem and hopefully you can help me. My girlfriend of 7 months refuses to go down on me. I go down on her all the time, but the favor is never returned. She says she is scared to do it and thinks that she might throw up on me. I told her just to try it and I said nothing would happen. She still refuses and I'm really starting to get frustrated by not getting oral. I don't know what to do. Is it being an asshole to push the subject? Please help me.

Downtown Deprived

The other day a friend asked me how I knew so much about disturbing sex acts and malfunctioning relationships, since I seem to be in a fully-functioning long-term relationship. First, I told her to mind her own damn business, but afterwards I thought about it. I think I know so much about this topic, because deep down, I am a sexual delinquent. Yep, you heard it here first. I haven't figured out exactly what sick thing turns my crank yet, but I have no doubt that I will be perusing Craigslist looking for some misguided stranger to throw tomatoes at me soon. I'm looking forward to this time in my life, but until then I have you guys. Thanks for making dreams come true. Now on to the advice...


Deprived, as a "lady" who has vomited on a man when a fellatio session went awry, I can't help but sympathize with your girlfriend. I mean there really is no greater shame than baby-wiping a half-digested Lean Pocket off of a potential life mate. I mean, other than being a Bachmann supporter.


However, this fear is no reason to give up on the most powerful bargaining tool known to women: the blowie.


Maybe you should explain to her the crippling power of the blow job. Does she know about Clinton? What about half the members of Congress? This type of power can be quite the aphrodisiac. 

If after you tell the story of a little boy from Arkansas she's still not interested, maybe you could show her some Mandingo porn (Just Google image him). I mean, if women can take that monster down and not vomit like Rachel Zoe after a trip to Pinkberry, than surely she can give yours the ol' college try (Considering you are not a tripod yourself, Deprived).


If after all this motivation, your girlfriend still has no interest in "returning the favor" then I suggest you think about how important this particular sex act is to you. And as I've said in previous posts, I'm assuming it's pretty important since you decided to write a stranger on the internet.


Good luck, Deprived, and if you find yourself single after my string of horrible advice, well then I have a reader who is sick of giving hand jobs. Maybe we can make something happen. 


XOXO ALLIE


P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!