Help! Snooki is Making Me Feel Sexually Inadequate

Allie, 
Okay so I have more of a question than a problem. Snooki the little meatball from the MTV show "Jersey Shore" is always talking about "sucking butt" is this just a saying or are there really self-respecting females out there sucking butt? Now don't get me wrong, I will give a bj and lick your balls, hell, I will even kiss or nibble your taint, but I will under no circumstance "suck your butt." So my question is: Is this just a funny saying or is the newest sex craze "baby I can't wait to suck your butt" because if it is I'm afraid that I can no longer call myself open minded in bed.

Suck Your.... What?!?!?!?

I'm not. 


Snooki is.


I don't know which one you should trust when it comes to all your asshole-sucking expectations. I mean, she's got a book, a TV show and probably many pre-cancerous moles, and all I have is a blog. Plus, I'm positive she has banged more dudes than I have. Maybe we should all just take sex advice from Snooki.


But then again, the ol' Snookster is the color of a dirty penny and answers to the name Snooki, so maybe she doesn't make the best life decisions. So, I decided to bring in another opinion. Enter: My best friend.

My best friend is a complete sexual deviant (you would think her father didn't love her or something) and she's not doing it, so I don't think it has quite hit the mainstream. But I would get yourself prepared, SWS, because once it's on MTV it's not long before everyone is doing it. 

How does one get prepared for Anallingus, you ask...

Step 1. Vote Republican*

That's really the only step. Those silly bastards seem to love the asshole. See: Roberto Arango.

* Please don't actually vote Republican. Thanks.

XOXO Allie

P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

I'll Take my Party Minus the Passion

She's not winking. She has
cinnamon lube in her eye.

I'm taking this Thursday off from giving unqualified relationship/sex advice to write about a trend I've noticed lately. Does anyone know what a Passion Party is?

For those who have been spared from this shit and have no clue what I'm talking about, I'll give you the CliffNotes version. It's like Tupperware parties, except with fake dicks, instead of burpable plastic containers. Yep, it is as horrible as it sounds.

However, these Passion Party people are not in the business to make this completely skeevy activity seem skeevy... No, they want it to sound fun and sexy. They make it appear like some Sex-and-the-City-esque adventure that will involve drinking cosmos and trying on nipple clamps. But in all actuality, it involves drinking Arbor Mist out of Nascar tumblers in someone's doublewide trailer, while some pushy bitch on commission tries to make you by a 12" double-ended dildo in front of your sister-in-law. And no one needs a 12" double-ended dildo. It's just wasteful.

Now I'm going to say something that may make me sound slightly judgmental, (because before this, I seemed like the beacon acceptance) but I've never actually attended a Passion Party. So in all fairness, my views are based on second-hand accounts, but I don't think I need to go sit in a room with a bunch of  my co-workers, while I peruse clitoral stimulation cream, to know that it would be a no-likey situation.

She couldn't cross her legs tighter.

My best friend who is possibly the most sexually-open person I've ever met (An example you ask... she recently divulged to me that she has given and received a golden shower, believe me now?) explained that she felt that her vagina was compromised during these parties. Like at any moment, one of these frustrated soccer moms was going to furry handcuff her to a bed and shove a zebra-print ballgag in her mouth.

So why am I writing this? Well, I'm sick of being asked to these fucking parties. Just because I talk about blowies on the internet, does not mean that I want to watch anyone try on a One Size Fits All thong. I will not go. I'm wise to you, passion party ladies. I don't want to buy a vibrating rubber ducky from you in someonse's living room. Nor, do I want to fake an orgasm When-Harry-Met-Sally-style, while someone whose name I don't remember takes an iPhone video. No Thanks.

Call me a prude, but I like to keep my passion where it belongs... hidden in my nightstand drawer.