Dude on Craigslist Explains How to be a Catch

The emails are starting to dry up at I'm Not Really a Barista. So instead of my usual unqualified relationship/sex advice, this Thursday I decided to take another trip to the personals Craigslist. Take a little looksie at this gem.

Man, oh, man, who knew Steve Harvey was hanging out on Craigslist doling out advice on how to be the best vagina-haver ever. I mean, I really appreciate this fine young gentleman giving me tips on how to make a fella happy, but I have a couple small issues with his suggestions.

1. Craigslist Guy suggests that I should be a lady in public AT ALL TIMES, because men value virtue. By virtue, I'm going to assume he means tits... men value tits. And what do ladies have? Yep, you guessed it, boobies. So to be a "lady in public at all times" actually means, reveal so much of your breasts that you are literally on the verge of getting arrested every time you go outside.

2. Second, only to showing your girly-pillows, is being a master chef because "guys like to eat." Hmm... I hope he likes Hot Pockets, because I can microwave the shit out of a Hot Pocket.

3. Alright, Craigslist Guy, I wanted to take you seriously, but I can't respect someone giving relationship advice on a site best known for 12-year-old hookers if they make careless typos. Everyhting? Really? And to think I was going to be a TOTAL slut for you!

Thanks a lot random CL dude. I'm always looking for ways to make myself more desirable to the opposite sex, especially when it comes from someone undoubtedly living in his parents' basement.

Have fun playing World of Warcraft!

P.S. If you're looking for real unqualified advice from someone who has actually touched another human being, email me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. You will remain anonymous!

Gradapalooza and My Blog is All Fiery and Junk

I graduated from college Friday. As I had previously assumed, they did give me a cardboard box to live in along with my fake diploma. But the ceremony was lovely, and I talked my dad out  of wearing a wifebeater. So all-in-all, it was a pretty great day. Then came the night...

I have no idea how much money I spent on alcohol, and the only clear memory I have is doing the cupid shuffle with my graduation cap on. But I didn't vomit, and I successfully managed to get a friend laid (If you're looking for a wing"lady" get in touch with me on Twitter).

I had plans on taking pictures and sharing it with you guys, but unfortunately I forgot how to operate a camera. Plus the few pictures I  do have, I'm looking full-on Anna Nicole, and I just don't need that on the internet. But I did have an Adios Motherfucker, as suggested by one of my wonderful Blogger ladies, which I'm pretty sure tipped me into "licking a urinal" inebriation.

So blah blah blah, graduation was super, and I might have chlamydia. Now onto the good stuff.

The amazing Carrymel, at Khaki, not Cocky, presented me with The Blog on Fire award, which is great, because normally I associate fire with the burning sensation from my possible chlamydia. So a happy burn is always appreciated. Thank you so much Carrymel... and I'm very sorry to be mentioning your name in this STD-ridden post.

I'm pretty new to blogging and just started putting some effort into I'm Not Really a Barista so it makes me so happy to have someone whose blog I love to read, acknowledge mine. Now onto the rules that come with the acceptance of this award.

1. Thank the award giver:  Thank you Carrymel!!!!

2. Reveal FIVE facts about yourself.

• I am the worst driver on the planet. Seriously, I like to attack inanimate objects with my car.
• I have an English bulldog named Zeus, but I only call him Squishy Bastard or Zeusface Killah.
• I have dated the same guy since high school, but I am not one of those true love/soulmate people. I'm pretty sure it's just coincidence. 
• I can quote Pulp Fiction line by line.
• I am absolutely terrified of Chucky from Child's Play, and have been since I was a kid.

3. Pass this award on to SEVEN other bloggers.

• My Life as Liz - Liz is so sweet, and her blog is really positive and fun.
• My Daily Diatribes - She was one of my first commenters, and that comment made me decide to keep up with my blog. Plus, she is so funny.
• When Life Gives You Vodka - Another coffee girl with hilariously random posts.
• Musings of a Notorious Daydreamer - A fellow journalism grad. A must if you love thoughtful, honest writing.
• Badass Geek - A sarcastic, self-proclaimed geek. Count me in.
• Fresh Out of Gold Stars -  A ridiculously funny teacher, whose blog makes me think my job might not be so bad.
• A Beer for the Shower - I can't even explain this in words. These two writers are genius-level funny.

So that's it. I'm a graduate. My blog is on fire. Chlamydia is treatable. What a good weekend.

What did you do with my whores, Craig?

 If you haven't heard yet, Craigslist has removed the "adult services" section from its website. Now, I know you're probably thinking, "what does this mean for me?" Well, your favorite little barista/blogger is here to help. I decided to compile a list of how the absence of "adult services" might impact you and those around you.

1. Massages will no longer be sensual. Yep, you heard me. The act of getting an oily rubdown from a stranger while in your skivvies will have to go back to being professional.  
2. Escorts will now be advertsing on Facebook. Which means the suggested friends box is about to get really awkward, i.e., "Why is dad friends with someone named, 'The Hung Cowboy?'"
3. College grads who have taken to the site aching to pay off exorbitant loans are now going to have to hit the streets. Meaning, that philosophy degree won't be of much help while going toe-to-toe with Candy and her broken beer bottle. 
4. Evangelical leaders will now only be able to cruise for dudes at their gay-to-straight camps.
5. Ever wanted to be tied up and beat by a leather-bound, transvestite midget? Yeah. Well, that's gonna be a little bit harder to make happen now.
6. See number 4. Replace evangelical leaders with politicians and gay-to-straight camps with public restrooms.
7. The pimp you encounter might be named Craig. He probably has a list. But he will most certainly  have a gun, so you should try your best to not end up on his list. 

  
If after you read this, all hope seems lost, don't despair. There's a reason it is called "the oldest profession." Hookers are a wily bunch and will no doubt find a way to use technology to their advantage. I'm thinking Twitter, so remember to look for @leatherbound_midget and until then get a professional massage and relax.