Help! My Girlfriend Has a Gag Reflex

Dear Barista,
I seem to have a problem and hopefully you can help me. My girlfriend of 7 months refuses to go down on me. I go down on her all the time, but the favor is never returned. She says she is scared to do it and thinks that she might throw up on me. I told her just to try it and I said nothing would happen. She still refuses and I'm really starting to get frustrated by not getting oral. I don't know what to do. Is it being an asshole to push the subject? Please help me.

Downtown Deprived

The other day a friend asked me how I knew so much about disturbing sex acts and malfunctioning relationships, since I seem to be in a fully-functioning long-term relationship. First, I told her to mind her own damn business, but afterwards I thought about it. I think I know so much about this topic, because deep down, I am a sexual delinquent. Yep, you heard it here first. I haven't figured out exactly what sick thing turns my crank yet, but I have no doubt that I will be perusing Craigslist looking for some misguided stranger to throw tomatoes at me soon. I'm looking forward to this time in my life, but until then I have you guys. Thanks for making dreams come true. Now on to the advice...


Deprived, as a "lady" who has vomited on a man when a fellatio session went awry, I can't help but sympathize with your girlfriend. I mean there really is no greater shame than baby-wiping a half-digested Lean Pocket off of a potential life mate. I mean, other than being a Bachmann supporter.


However, this fear is no reason to give up on the most powerful bargaining tool known to women: the blowie.


Maybe you should explain to her the crippling power of the blow job. Does she know about Clinton? What about half the members of Congress? This type of power can be quite the aphrodisiac. 

If after you tell the story of a little boy from Arkansas she's still not interested, maybe you could show her some Mandingo porn (Just Google image him). I mean, if women can take that monster down and not vomit like Rachel Zoe after a trip to Pinkberry, than surely she can give yours the ol' college try (Considering you are not a tripod yourself, Deprived).


If after all this motivation, your girlfriend still has no interest in "returning the favor" then I suggest you think about how important this particular sex act is to you. And as I've said in previous posts, I'm assuming it's pretty important since you decided to write a stranger on the internet.


Good luck, Deprived, and if you find yourself single after my string of horrible advice, well then I have a reader who is sick of giving hand jobs. Maybe we can make something happen. 


XOXO ALLIE


P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

I love Craigslist and Adult-Baby Fetishists

I think Tuesday is becoming a tribute to weird shit I love and want to share with you guys. Last week, I talked about how much I love religious nutjobs. This week while perusing the miscellaneous romance section on Craigslist, (looking for a little work now that I'm a graduate) I came across a catch. The Adult-Baby Fetishist.

Click on me. I'm awesome.

Now for those not familiar with the adult-baby fetish, first, I question what you are doing on this blog, and second, I think you should watch this video.

All caught up and feeling pretty good about your life decisions now, right? 

So basically I kind of want to respond to this ad. I mean, I love naps and would be in no way opposed to hanging out in my pajamas and coloring all day. 

But then I remember that this 55-year-old Craigslist dreamboat was pretty specific about one thing while looking for his grown-up "baby."

Please be 18-30.

And while I fit into that age bracket, I refuse to be crib-candy for some ageist creep. No matter how many naps David Vitter offers me. 

Help! My Boyfriend is Trying to Give Me Carpal Tunnel

Dear Advice Barista,

I need your advice on a matter that is close to my heart...or rather, close to my hand. I have been with my bf for almost a year now, and all he wants are hand jobs. No bjs, no sex, no lap dances, just hand jobs. I want to tell him how fucking boring hand jobs are, but that's probably a bad idea. I just don't see the point in handjobs. Blow jobs, I understand. So simple! No need to worry about lubrication (nature provides!), awkward mid-sex-act nervous talking (my mouth is full!), or cleaning up the aftermath (my mouth is VERY full). Lastly, the internet is FULL of people willing to tell you how to give a proper blowie. For a hand job, the main advice is to "...uh...well, you just do it...", and my problem is that I...uh...just...don't. I have no problem with taking it in the mouth, but I get shy about my abilities to give a proper hand job because I just don't understand them, to the point where I have never actually given one because I've never had to before. So I'm too shy to jerk him off and he's too shy (or something) to let me blow him, and I fear we are at an impasse.

So...um...help?

-Handy Virgin

Today marks the second week of my "Thursday SexyTime Advice Corner," (hey, I'm working on the name) and I just want to thank everyone who has written in, eager to hear my unqualified advice.

Wait, do you hear that? Yep, that's the sound of my father crying, because his baby is about to talk at length about hand jobs. Now on to the advice...

Handy, I feel your pain. Not a lot of attention is paid to the art of the HJ. I think many of us ladies assume after that awkward bus ride home from the planetarium in middle school, the hand job would be behind us. We immediately moved on to the Cosmo quiz, “How Far Can You Shove This Cucumber Down Your Throat?” and began to work on our gag reflexes. (BTW, Fuck you Cosmo. I'm down a tonsil because of that shit) We do this because we're told no guy would want a hand job, when he could have a blow job. 

But that's not necessarily true. People like different types of stimulation. And your bf might be into a type of grip that your mouth just can't give. So maybe you should try to give the hand job another shot.

Now, you mentioned earlier that there is not a lot of learning resources regarding the HJ, but you really don't need one, because Handy love, you have the owner's manual. Meaning you will learn more from him, than any article I suggest to you. 

Start a dialogue, ask him how he likes it, watch him perform a solo, and then experiment. Remember you don't have to be an expert, you just have to be open. Communication is possibly the best sexual aide you can give yourself, besides the liberator (that little ramp thingy is the shit!)

Finally, this kid seems to be turning down a lot of sex acts, so I can't help but wonder, are you satisfied? If the answer is no, you might want to think about why you are trying so hard to please someone who is not returning the favor.

Good luck, Handy. Let us know how it goes.

I have to go and console my dad now.

XOXO Allie

P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!