HELP! It's Valentines Day and I've Got Problems.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked people to send me their questions regarding love/sex/relationships and anything else that you felt comfortable asking someone who is in no way qualified to give advice.

And then some weird stuff happened, which I'm totally into. So in honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I would get your hearts-a-beatin' with some questions about turtle fucking. You read that right.

Take the day off, Cupid, I've got this love shit covered.


What would be the most reasonable, yet bat-shit crazy thing I can introduce into lovemaking with my wife?

Midgets. Wait, I don't think that is politically correct. A little person. I would introduce a little person into lovemaking with your wife. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Allie, I thought I said reasonable." And you did, but I'm not exactly sure what the dictionary definition of that word is, so I'm going with midget-fucking. Listen, your wife is gonna love it, because it's not quite a threeway, it's more like a two-and-a-half-way and that's called taking it slow.

So go now, scour Craiglist, but remember a lot of these super-sexy little people are basically walking tripods, so bring your A-game. If not, that little rascal might be making some height adjustments to your house in the near future, understand?

Scientifically speaking, what are my chances of hooking up with Rihanna?

Here's  a checklist. Have you ever been arrested? Have you ever been arrested for assaulting a woman? Have you ever thrown a chair out of the Today show dressing room window? Do you like throat tattoos? Were you ever on the Canadian soap, Degrassi? Has anyone ever looked at your naked body and compared you to a horse?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you have a 97.6 percent chance of being able to hook up with Rihanna. If not, there's always the video where her and Shakira pretend to have lesbian sex.

My wife wants to introduce a turtle into bedroom affairs. What do I say? Why do people want to bang animals anyways?

I've never thought of a turtle as a super sexual animal, maybe a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but that's mainly because they have masks and I've had a fetish for bank robbers ever since I saw Point Break when I was a kid. (Oh Keanu, you're so dumb and dreamy). Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, fucking turtles. Don't do it. She'll never respect you.

And why do people want to bang animals? Um, I blame that hot werewolf from Twilight.


My wife just stumbled upon my huge selection of '70s pornography. My huge selection (it filled up the trunk of my Honda Civic at one time). She wants to divorce. I want her to grow an amazing bush. What do I do?

I do admire your dedication to '70s pornography, kind sir, but I think you need to let your wife know that you're not some kind of sexual deviant obsessed with powermuffs. Maybe lay off the porn for awhile, donate your collection to the Pornography Historical Society and let her know that you love her for who she is, not her bush.

Then hide all of her razors.


I'm afraid that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. He's always texting but never tells me who it is, keeps his FB annoyingly private, and hasn't had a lot of time for me lately? What should I do?

I don't think you should be so quick to judge, maybe your boyfriend is a spy. Have you ever thought about that? He's out making sure the world is a safer place for the both of us and you're too busy worrying about the privacy settings on his Facebook. Just kidding, he sounds horrible. Unfortunately, there's no way to find out for sure if the scumbag is cheating. I'd say trust your gut in this scenario, because if something doesn't feel right it usually isn't. 

Now for what to do, I've got one question ... how's your pubic hair, because I think I might have the perfect rebound guy for you.


I've always dreamed about experiencing erotica in a public establishment, preferably an airplane, train, or some other mode of public transportation. Maybe even a tricycle. How and where do I go to find someone who would be interested?

I don't know, maybe the Internet.

***

And that's it, ladies and gents! I hope each and every one of you have a special Valentine's Day or at least a special day after Valentine's Day once candy is 75% off. 

I love you all and would totally put a hand-written valentine in each one of your lockers if this was 7th grade, but it's not, so you wanna take whatever Miley Cyrus is on and watch that Shakira video on repeat?

No? Okay, worth a shot.

P.S. If after reading this you think, I'd like to get some horrible advice from the girl who makes my coffee, then write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. And as always, you will remain anonymous.

I'm Like Dear Abby with More Swearing.

Remember that fun thing I used to do when I answered readers' love/sex/relationship/etc. questions here? Wasn't that fun?

We laughed. We cried. We were thankful for our long term relationships.

Well, I want to do that again! And not just because I can't think of anything to write about. Okay, mostly because I can't think of anything to write about, but also because I feel I've been given a special gift, to answer super weird questions about your or your partners genitals.

And it's not fair to not share my God-given gift with the world.

So, please, write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. Or have your "friend" write to me. Or your cousin. Or your dad. I mean, really I don't care if you make something up, I'm just having mad writer's block and desperately need everyone's help to make sure my blog doesn't die and go to the Land of Misfit blogs!

Ohh, and you will remain anonymous.

Here's some previous posts in case you need to verify my totally bullshit credentials.


Help! My Hymen is Growing Back.

Help! My F#ck Buddy is Turning into a Cuddle Buddy.

Help! My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Eat at My Lady Buffet.

Help! I'm DTF a D-Bag.

How Can I Get My Boyfriend to Punch me in the Face.


Convinced, yet?

No? Too bad! Email me, anyway. You can also message me on Twitter or Facebook.

Help! I Think I'm a Whore.

Allie,

I was listening to my favorite local morning radio show, and they were talking about a survey that indicated the ideal number of sex partners for men and women. What it boils down to, is that men and women both said 10 is the ideal number for their mate to have when they get married.

Now, I'm not super duper over the mark of 10, but I'm definitely past it. Aaaand I feel like a whore.

Mostly because I'm nowhere NEAR getting married or even engaged. And unless the guy I went on a date with Tuesday night turns out to be "the one," I will most likely date (and have sex with) an unknown number (who knows how many or few) men before I find that lucky bastard.

So what's a girl to do? Do I just stop having sex until I think I've found him? I mean, I like sex. What does the number matter? Do you really have to divulge that information when you're in a relationship? I've told before because I've been asked, but is my past really that important? Anyways, I'm feeling some kinda way about this, and I cant quite figure it out. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Feeling Whore-ish


Stop reading my blog, you whore.

.
.
.
.
.
.

Totally kidding.

What station are you listening to, Whore-ish? Is Rush Limbaugh on it, demonizing birth control and masturbating to The Food Network?

Personally, I hate the word whore. I much prefer the term penis connoisseur. That ish sounds fancy, like you went to one semester at Le Cordon Bleu to learn what type of wine goes with a side of trouser snake. And that's a fine skill to have.

Anyways I don't think a number matters (surprise! surprise!) as long you're comfortable with your sexual experiences overall--meaning that, for the most part, you can look back on your sexytime partners and think "yep, I know why I did him. Trustfund! Married Republican Senator!"

Now is divulging "your number" important? I guess that depends.

Do you expect your partner to spill all the gory details regarding his sexual escapades? If so, then I think you have to give up the goods. If not, you can express that putting a number on your past experiences isn't something you're comfortable with.

However, withholding information often makes people fear the worst, so that may be something you want to consider, as well.

Overall whore-ish, I think people, especially women, need to relax a little when it comes to their "number". It doesn't define you. I've slept with nearly 10,000 men and/or women, and have been in a long-term monogamous relationship since high school. That means most of my no-pants dancing was done in a three-year time frame. That, my friend, is impressive. I'm like mother-fucking Michael Phelps without the abs. Or the underbite.

And if it makes you feel any better, Mittens McMagicUnderPants was on national television when he disclosed that he has "binders full of women". That can only mean tons of Mormon child-brides seductively bearing an ankle while locked in a Trapper Keeper.

What a whore.

And he's running for president.

P.S. If after reading this you think, "I might be a whore." Email me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. You will remain anonymous.

P.S.S. Follow me on Facebook. And Twitter. And POF (JK! For now).

Help! My Wife Sucks. But Not Literally.

 Dear Allie,

While most of your readers are probably 20-somethings, I'm a bit older but just as clueless.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, and while she had more than a few partners before we met (including one marriage), she was my first. She is also 10 years older than me and we're reaching *middle age*. Sex has gone from twice a week to maybe once a quarter; when she's done, she is DONE and I have to fend for myself; she won't try anything different to help me; she won't help orally or handily because "my jaw hurts" or "my hand hurts".

I do love her, I won't leave her or cheat on her, and talking things out fully clothed has not helped. Am I just stuck fending for myself?

 Sincerely,
Tired of Fending


Ahh shit. This is going to be serious, isn't it?

I don't know if I mentioned this lately, but I have absolutely zero qualifications in the advice-giving field. I make lattes with my college degree, so obviously there's a lapse in judgement there somewhere.

So Fending, take this as a disclaimer: I make coffee for a living, so I cannot in good conscience tell you TO LEAVE YOUR WIFE. But if I had like a certificate from the University of Phoenix or that online school Shannon Doherty is always running her mouth about, I'd probably tell you TO LEAVE YOUR WIFE. But I don't. So I can't.

Fending, I get it. I've been with my significant other for nearly 10 years and sometimes it literally takes everything I have to not punch him in the throat when he starts wagging his dick at me. Sometimes living a life with someone is a sexual buzz kill. It's like, "Why would I want to get naked and start the revolution with you, when I'm still trying to forget about the pubic hair forest I had to clean off the toilet seat?" Long-Term relationships aren't always sexy.

But, as I've said before and will repeat again, SEX IS IMPORTANT. And denying your spouse access to sex, when sex was previously on the table, leads to hurt feelings, resentment, and writing to strangers on the Internet.

You said you've already talked to her. You said you won't cheat on her. You said you won't leave her.

Well, dollface, sounds like you don't have a whole lot of options. I don't know the situation, maybe you guys have children, maybe she's heir to an oil fortune. But I do know that if something doesn't change, you'll put $50 in the hands of a Craigslist hooker without a jawbone.

Maybe you need to tell the wife that. And then try to hammer out some terms that will get laid more frequently, either by her or someone else.

But then again, I'm in no way qualified to give this advice.

P.S. If after reading this you think, "I'd like to have sex with a hooker without a jawbone." Then write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. You will remain anonymous!

Today Class, We Will be Watching an Educational Video.

My friend and former college radio co-host is in town from grand ol' Washington D.C. for the weekend. In celebration of our short-term reunion, we're going to get wasted-face on $1 beers while watching cute boys run around bases and shit.


It's gonna be a blast.


However since I'm not a very professional blogger, I didn't pre-write my Sexytime Thursday advice post. 


[Cue hysterical cries.]

Calm down, kiddos, I have the next best thing. A professional giving qualified sex advice and looking super creepy while doing it!

If you want to bang anything after watching this video, you deserve a fucking medal.

Enjoy.

P.S. If after watching this you're all like, "Oh, that was horrible. I'd rather take my sex advice from that chick who makes my latte." Write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. You will remain anonymous.

Help! I Might Be Sleeping with a Douchebag.

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Help! My Hymen is Growing Back

Allie,

I have not had relations in over 4 years. This was all fine until my sex-crazed roommate focused all of her energy talking about sex and how she's not having any and shes going nuts. Now it is all I can think about and I'm climbing the walls.

My vagina needs some lovins. Without meeting some crazies on Plenty of (dirty) Fish who will inevitably carry some disease, how do I go about finding a mate (long term or otherwise)?

Side note... I have only had 2 partners. The first was really bad. The second was a virgin. I'm afraid I won't know what to do if I do ever get in between the sheets with a man. Your sexpertise is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Desolate in DC


I'm back, y'all!


It's been a long time since I've doled out any unqualified sex advice. And to be honest, I've missed it. There's a certain level of shame that comes from writing about blowjobs on the Internet, that a girl just can't get anywhere else.

It feels like home.

But moving on, I want to thank you DESOLATE for ending my dry spell. Now, let's see if we can't do the same for you. But first, a little tough love is in order.

Four years, DESOLATE? Really?


Your vagina could have graduated college. She could have served one term as president. She could have trained for the Olympics. She could be winning a fucking gold medal for an inspiring rhythmic gymnastic routine with all the time she's had on her figurative hands. 

That's not good, DESOLATE. Your vagina is pissed. But I'm here to help.

So first things first--and this is for my male readers--can you bang your roommate? If so, please send video. But if scissor-sistering your roommate is not an option, then I think you might want to reconsider taking a dip in the online dating pool.


Listen, I applaud you for not jumping on Plenty of (disease-ridden) Fish and screwing the first guy who messages you, but I don't think that a website with a bad reputation should discredit all the benefits that online dating has to offer someone. Especially someone who may be lacking in the experience department.


Let me explain, online dating allows you to be non-committal. You can view some profiles, send some messages, and slowly open yourself up to possibilities of dating and/or banging new people. 


Plus sometimes it's easier to be honest when you're not face-to-face with a stranger. For example--it may be difficult to say, "I've only been with a couple of dudes and haven't had a good boning in about four years" on a first date. 


Although, I think once you become reacquainted with the dating world, you should take your newfound skills and practice them in real life. Because that's the thing about dating, you can meet people anywhere, so you have to make sure you are open to the possibilities. 


So flirt with that hot guy at Starbucks. Or message a former crush on Facebook. Dating and sex involves putting yourself out there, whether that be on POF or at the bar down your street.


And finally, about being afraid of your sexual performance once you do become intimate with someone, I suggest two things.

1. Get to know your body sexually. Learn what you like. What you don't like. That way it will not be a blind-leading-the-blind situation the next time you do the no-pants dance with someone.

2. Communicate! This is important. Let the person you're with know you're inexperienced. Don't be ashamed. Own it. And then continue to communicate and encourage your partner to do the same. If you can take your clothes off with someone, you should be able to have a chat with them about your needs.

Now go! You've got four years of apologizing to do.

You're gonna be busy.

XOXO

Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "I'd like to have sex with Desolate in DC" then write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. Or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

A Former Whore from Facebook Helps me Inspire my Spouse

For everyone who doesn't know, I love Facebook (you should follow me there, btw). I love my Hannity-obsessed relatives. I love my white-trash classmates. I love the University of Phoenix ads.

And maybe more than anything else, I love the super-whores who somehow through their whoring journey, found the Lord and now they are really excited to share the news with everyone.

Recently, one of these ladies posted a link to an advice article, and since I love giving advice I thought I would share the highlights with all of you. Read the full article HERE.

50 Ways to Inspire Your Husband

1. Initiate Great Sex. 

Vaginal and missionary only.

Good girls don't get on top.

3. Give Him One Night to do Something He Loves. 

Like meth and dudes on Craigslist.

Remember Ted Haggard?

5. Ask Him About His Bucket List.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

8. Text Him. Reminder: I Believe in You.

I did this. He texted back, 

"Are you stoned?"

9. Make Sure He Feels Respected By You.

So "fucktard" probably isn't a 

great pet name, huh?

17. Initiate Great Sex.

Again? Have you been reading 

"50 Shades of Grey"?

20. Post on His Facebook Wall: "I Love Being Your

 Wife. See me Tonight Regarding This."

Jesus! What if his Nana

 is on Facebook?

21. Gently Communicate with Him About what you Like in Bed, and 

Respond Encouragingly To his Attempts.

IT'S CALLED A CLITORIS! HAVE 

YOU FUCKING HEARD OF IT?

34. Do Something From his To-Do List for Him -- Something

 he'd Rather Have you do Anyway.

Jack off. 

Check!

36. Create a Cheerful Atmosphere when he Comes Home.

Does crying uncontrollably while watching

"The Notebook" count?

38. Discover His Love Language and Become even 

More Fluent in it?

I think it's gonna involve his penis!!

41. Organize or Clean Something in your Home that

 you Know he Finds Messy.

Seriously?
 I need a drink.

44. Initiate Great Sex.

Show me on the doll where your

Stepdad touched you.

And last but not least...

50. If and when he Messes up, Respond with the Kind of

 Grace, Compassion, and Mercy that God gives us. Respond

 in a Way that Communicates, "You're Safe with me -- 

and I'm Not Going to Rehash Your Failures.

This is a Secure Place for you to Grow...

and I Love the Journey with You."

You have to be fucking kidding me? 
Did you really say "if and when"? Who the hell are you married to?

Also, I'm gonna rehash the shit out of your failures. 

Well guys, I think we just stepped into Rick Santorum's America. Thanks former whore from Facebook. I will take these tips into consideration, or I'll put a bullet in my mouth.

Now I'm off to initiate great sex with my boyfriend and then when he does something right, let him know I'm proud of him and respect his authority.

How to Make a Relationship Last for Nearly a Decade

Tomorrow is my 9th anniversary. Now I know what you're thinking, everyday must be like an extra-stupid fairytale when you live with a man like this.

And you'd be right. But I know everyone can't have him -- that would be way too many sister-wives for me to deal with. 

So I've decided give you all some advice that has allowed my relationship to flourish for nearly a decade, then maybe you guys can go out and take a crack at this love shit yourselves. #Magic

Tip 1: Find a dude who mainly wants to bang you. He's not going to like you for your personality, and he probably won't even like you for your face, so give up on that idea. 

Mateo became determined to meet me after my best friend told him I had big boobs and a phone-sex voice. If that's not the beginning of a love story, I just don't know what is.

Tip 2: Find a partner that's in high school. This is an excellent time to make romantic life decisions. 

Mateo and I started dating when I was 17 years old. He likes to tell people he got me when I was a pup and trained me right. I tell him that I'm going to trade him in for a newer model when he hits 30. Neither one of us are joking.

Tip 3: Take incriminating pictures and/or video of your significant other and then password protect those bitches. 

Mateo would literally leave me almost daily if he wasn't terrified that I would put the video of him dancing naked to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" on the internet. SN: I like to show strangers this video when I'm drunk.

Tip 4: When fighting, don't be afraid to admit you are wrong. Also, don't be afraid to admit that you are a paranoid schizophrenic who has a testicle-stomping fetish.

I like to call my "other half" Delilah the Destroyer.

Tip 5: If you listen to nothing else, remember, never go to bed angry. Unless you're into that kinda thing. 

We are, by the way. 

Happy 9th Anniversary, @Mateojw84! Here's to about 2 more years, 

because I was not playing around, you're gone by 30.

Help! My Sexual Advisor Sucks at her Job

Dear Allie,


How can I make my girlfriend cum? 


-Anonymous




Stop spelling it C-U-M. That should about do it, Anon.

Anyone else want to throw their hat in the sex advice ring?

I've got basketball to watch.

XOXO

ALLIE

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Holy shit! She's really bad at this advice-giving thing. There's not a chance in hell I'll send her an email." Send me one, anyway, at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie.  You will remain anonymous.

How to Sext: Part 2

I've recently noticed that one of my most read blog posts is "Cosmo Teaches Us How to Sext. Thank God". The post is all about Cosmo giving the worst sexting advice to impressionable girls.

I wish I could say people are finding this post because they're looking for a mocking commentary on the women's magazine, but that is just not the case. This piece is popular because when people type a certain phrase into Google, my blog pops up. That phrase is... How To Sext.

When I first wrote about sexting, I had no idea people were so eager to learn the art cellular seduction, but now I feel that it's my duty as an unqualified sex advisor to give the people what they want.

Sexting 101.

• Arousing visuals are important when it comes to sexting (just ask any congressman/actor/athlete). But that does not mean that great sexting should be all tits and flaccid penises, sometimes a sexy little prop does the trick.

Poorly written erotica doesn't count.

• Although, it is very important to let your sexting partner know exactly what's waiting for them. Enter the grainy, self-photo of your genitals. Yowza!

Remember to play up your best assets.

• Okay, forget pictures... Sexting really is all about the naughty details. A great sexter is a champion at tantalizing their partner with some mind-blowing word play. 

Never use the word "ointment" in sexting.

• If all this stuff seems pretty novice, then maybe you are a big-league sexter. For these pros I would suggest implementing a little fantasy in your sexting. It's like virtual roleplaying.

Maybe sexy librarian would be a better choice.

• And if all else fails, remember, nothing says "Fuck me like I'm paying your rent" more than an EMOJI!  8====D~~~ ( ;

And they lived happily ever after.

Suck on that, Cosmo! 

Help! My Boyfriend Won't Bang Me

After being a fan of your blog since its creation, I’ve finally hit a snag and thought, “where should I turn for some advice?” The decision was you, Allie. Help a girl out?


I’ve been seeing a guy for the past seven months, and after the usual period of “you’re new, you’re awesome” passed, we seem to be slowing down to a glaciers pace.


We are both freshmen in college so of course our stress and responsibilities are piled on heavy. The thing is I am realizing things that make me unhappy but am not sure if there is a problem, or if I’m making a problem. See, he is currently taking medication for depression and this means that he has no sex drive, and has decided it would be better if we just didn’t… ever. This is a huge disappointment for me. He is an awesome guy, but I wasn’t ever picturing a relationship where sex was taken off the table. It also makes me feel guilty because I understand that there should be more to a relationship than sex, but I still want it and he is not getting it when I try to bring it up. Also, I feel like he’s taking things to a level they don’t need to be at yet, I met his WHOLE family at Christmas, and he keeps bringing up marriage.


Basically we just aren’t meshing over anything anymore, but I feel like he isn't willing to see it. He is a sensitive guy, and honestly I am scared that if I break up with him he will cry and I will feel like the shittiest person to ever live. I can’t decide if I want to stay with him for the companionship but I consider breaking up with him because he just doesn’t feel right for me and I should decide before things go any farther.


Sincerely,
Incredibly Indecisive


Whether it seems like it or not, I take every question sent to me seriously -- okay, I take a majority of the questions sent to me seriously. For this reason, sometimes I feel the need to run an email by a friend, just to hear a second opinion.

Tonight I heard this...

"She's a Freshman in college. She should be girls-gone-wilding it up. Having orgies and shit. Banging girls. Banging guys.  Banging everyone."

This stellar piece of promiscuity-supporting advice, while tainted with creepy enthusiasm, is kind of on point.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, Indecisive. You should break up with your boyfriend.

No talking it out. No trying to make it better. No drama. No bullshit.

Just break up with him.

Sex is a big damn deal in a relationship, as much as Republicans try to convince us otherwise. This means that no matter how awesome your boyfriend is, if you need sex and he can't meet that need, there's going to be friction. Which will eventually lead to you dry-humping his best friend in a coat closet -- a whole different kind of friction.

In your email you said that "there should be more to the relationship than sex", but I'm pretty sure you're wrong.

As a Freshman in college, your relationship should be about 98 percent boning. This is the time when you figure out what you like, what you don't like, how to tie someone to a bedpost without leaving a single rope-burn. These are your formative sexual years. 'Companionate relationship' shouldn't even be in your vocabulary.

Break up with you boyfriend, Indecisive.

He'll probably cry. You'll probably feel like the shittiest person ever.

But then have some fratboy bang you into his headboard until you can't remember your birthday.

That always makes me feel better.

XOXO 

Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "I wanna get banged by a fratboy!" Then email me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous.

Help! My F#ck Buddy is Turning into a Cuddle Buddy

Allie,

So after years on having horrible soul crushing, and sometimes face crushing, relationships Ive gotten myself into a fuck buddy situation. Heres the issue, Im not sure if we are doing it right and if you could tell me that would be awesome! We met about 3 months ago and have been sleeping together ever so often since. We have great chemistry and so great sex is had by all. Here's the dilema, when we have sex I end up spending the night, its happened so often now its tradition. We cuddle, hold hands etc. I feel bad cause I am there for the morning sex, but am not sure why he is. Is this going to end in feelings and messy? 

Thanks,
Clever witty name here!

It's been  awhile since I've posted an advice blog, and what an adorable question to come back to. 

So here's the thing, Clever, I can't really tell you how to be in an appropriate fuck-buddy relationship, mainly because I have never been in one myself. I hope this little bit of information will not cause any of my loyal readers to have less faith in my unqualified sexual advice. 

Now even though you all have just learned that I am purer than Courtney Stodden on her wedding night, I still think I can help. 

When it comes to fuck-buddy relationships, as with any relationship, if both parties are comfortable with the situation, then there's not really a problem. However, I do understand your trepidation. 

It seems like you and this guy are becoming reliant on one another for things more cuddly than orgasms, and while that is all well in good, you might want to have a conversation with cuddle-buddy to better define the relationship.

Listen, I don't think that things will end up messy just because this man treats you as more than just an orifice, but I do think it will end up messy if there are unrequited feelings that are not getting addressed. So sit down with this fella and explain your concerns. 

And remember fuck buddies have feelings too. So if he's not secretly collecting your hair off of his pillow in the morning, let homeboy hold your hand without stressing out.

P.S. If after reading this you think, "I wish my fuck buddy would hold my hand." Then write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous.

Help! I Want to Have Sex with My Huge-Boobed Doctor

Love your blog! Here's my sex question... how come I want to have sex with my doctor (female) and her office manager (also female). They both have large breasts--could that be it? Better yet, how can I make them want to have sex with me? 


This is the first letter I have ever received at I'm Not Really a Barista that is so obviously set up. And to be honest, I'm flattered. I mean, someone took time out of their day to create a little scenario and to ask my advice on it. I think that means I've made it... and by made it, I mean, I'm still a barista and writing about sex on the internet. Success!!! 


Moving on. So, Horny Nameless Male, I'm going to answer your question, because even if this is a fake letter, answering it will be good practice for my eventual job writing for Penthouse. 


Now, HNM, I can't exactly tell you why you want to have sex with your doctor and her office manager. It could be because they remind you of your mom. It might be because they have a strong, lady musk that gets your boner juices flowing. But I can say, with 100 percent certainty, that it's not because they have large breasts! I mean, what kind of disgusting, pig of a man would only want to have sex with a woman because she has large breasts. What a terrifying world that would be! 


Anyways, the reasons why you want to bang these medical professionals doesn't really matter. Well, at least not to me. I'm an unqualified sexual advisor, not an unqualified sexual therapist. I'm here to get you laid! And this is how you are going to do it!


First, you need to make a doctor's appointment. Then, you need to get these two busty broads in an examining room together, this should be relatively easy considering that women like to go places in groups. Once all of you are in there, let your doctor know that you are having an issue, a private issue. It's going to go a little like this:


You: So Doctor Juggs, I can't seem to control my sexual appetite! It seems like no matter how many women I bring to screaming orgasms. I can't get enough. It's almost like one woman isn't enough for me. <Make eye contact with Office Manager Huge Tits>  Do you think there is anything you guys can do to help me?


At this time, the two women will look at one another, give the secret threesome nod, and start SexFest 2011. 


Bing. Bang. Boom. You're making babies.


                                      XOXO,

                                       Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow! That was the dumbest thing I've ever read." Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Help! My Friend Wants an Orgasm

Cut to the chase someone asked me:

I have never had an orgasm and was wondering how I can have a great one! I am down for anything.

I couldn't answer this, so I thought I would ask the next best person. Save me from giving bad sex advice.

Thanks


It's been a couple weeks since I've received an email at I'm Not Really a Barista, and I was starting to think you guys didn't think my unqualified sex advice was good enough. 


But finally, an email, ahh sweet validation. So I'm going to make sure that this is the best advice I've ever given. Even better than that time I told Roberto Arango to show his asshole on Grindr. 


Okay, no named person, your friend wants to have an amazing first orgasm, but I'm curious is she wanting to have this orgasm with another person or by herself? If it's the latter than I suggest you tell your friend to find some stimulation, whether that be sexual fantasies/erotica/pornography/Neiman Marcus Holiday Catalog, just something that incites some sense of arousal and do some southern-hemisphere exploring. 


Depending on your friends level of comfort/knowledge of her body this may take time. It may not be something that happens the first time, but it will eventually happen.


Or you could just buy her this.


Now, if your friend is hoping to achieve an orgasm with a partner, well, that might be a little bit trickier. Hopefully, her chosen partner is not a graduate of the Jackhammer School of Sex or the "I couldn't find your clitoris with a GPS" School of Oral Sex. I would suggest that your friend basically do the same thing with her partner that she would do alone, masturbate with a couple extra hands. This is because a person who is not sure how to get their body to climax will probably face frustration if they leave their orgasm completely up to another person. You got to walk before you run. 


Or her partner could just use this.

                                      XOXO,

                                       Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow sex is really confusing!" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Help! My Boyfriend Wants Anal More Than a Republican Congressman

Dear Allie,

My boyfriend of about six months really wants to have anal sex with me. It's all he talks about. I want to make him happy, but I'm scared that it's going to hurt too bad, plus I'm concerned about the cleanliness stuff.

If I go through with it, what do I need to know? Are there any tips that will make it easier. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Scared of Anal

Suck it, Ann Landers! Is anyone asking you how to successfully have tushie sex? 

Nope, I didn't think so.

Sure, this blog will ensure that I never get hired as anything other than a latte-maker or one of Nevada's legal hookers, but who cares, I'm doing the work of angels. 

Now, let's get this girl so comfortable with anal that she will be bent over like Roberto Arango at a Bachmann after-party.

Alright, SOA, there's a few things I want to ask before I give my tips on anal. First, do you want to do this or are you just doing it to appease your pain-in-the-ass boyfriend? If it's the latter, then I want you to think about actually going through with it. I think most sex acts, especially those we aren't initially comfortable with, should be done because of some personal desire to do it.

But for sake of giving advice, I'm going to assume that deep down you want to GET IT IN. So here's my advice for an anal-newbie.

1. RELAX. Seriously! Breathe. Don't tense up. And it might even help if you have a more traditional form of sex beforehand so your body is already in Go-Mode.
2. Lube. Water-based if you are using condoms and maybe something oil-based (because of the lasting factor) if you guys are condom-less. Remember to be safe. Tests done, etc.
3. Speed. Go slow until your comfortable and make sure you pass this morsel of advice on to your seemingly eager boyfriend. 
4. Call the shots. Come to the agreement that if you begin to feel overwhelmed you can stop the act. This veto power might make you feel in control enough to get through any inhibitions.
5. Cleanliness. A little gross I know, but try to have some type of movement before you partake in the act. If you're still feeling self-conscious, buy an enema and call it a day.

Other than that, it's up to you, SOA. You are the only person who knows your body and what you are comfortable with. Hopefully this helps! 

Now. Go. Perform an act that will make your father wake up in a cold sweat with a desire to buy a gun.

XOXO,

 Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Hmm... is that a ingrown hair or herpes?" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Help! I'm DTF a D-BAG

Hi Allie!

I just stumbled across your blog, courtesy of 20sb, and I'm in awe of your awesomeness.  Your blog is what my blog wants to be when it grows up.  

So, I have an actual boy dilemma and would love a snarky/ridiculous response:

A guy I'm interested in has made it clear that he wants to get down and dirty with me.  I'm totally into this, since I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now.  However, I think he might be hiding a somewhat serious girlfriend from me.  How do I find out the truth, and if he turns out to be a douche, how do I teach him a lesson?

Thanks,

The Other Woman

I'm hungover. 

How hungover you ask?

Really fucking hungover! Stop asking me questions my head hurts!

Anyways, since I'm in the delicate state that I am in, I'm going to make this short and sweet.


First, TOW, thanks for all the blogging love. I hope you still love me after I dispense some horrible advice your way.


As I read your letter, TOW, I couldn't help but wonder if you were Amish. I mean, that would be the only reason why I would guess that you couldn't just pop your cute, little tushie over to Facebook and check out your suitor's relationship status. If this fella is in a "serious relationship" that he is hiding from you, I'm going to assume he is not hiding it from his girlfriend. 


So go. Take a looksie. I'll wait.


Okay so when you went over to Zuckerberg-land did you see this.

No? Then leave this kid THE FUCK ALONE! Listen, I understand that sometimes it is tempting to get caught up in a scandalous, tawdry affair, but trust me, it won't be worth it. Unless, this guy is Bradley-fucking-Cooper with a tripod-like penis and can breathe through his ears, it won't be worth it. 

Because the following will happen: his girlfriend will find out and make it a mission to kill you. Why? Well, because it's a lot easier to get mad at the girl than your cheating bitch of a boyfriend. 

So let this one go, TOW. You obviously have great taste (you like me) and you will find a random dude to fuck who is on your level. 

And if you want to get back at him  use the same social-media site. Take an image-capture of one of his text propositioning down-and-dirty time and then tag that shit on Facebook. 

Girlfriend? What girlfriend?

I'm going to go change my relationship status to IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP now, because I want to get down and dirty with every last one of you.

XOXO,

 Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow sex is really confusing!" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Help! My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Eat at my Lady Buffet

Allie, 

My boyfriend hates giving oral. He wants me to do it almost every time we have sex but won't return the favor, he says that it's different. He makes me feel extremely self-conscious, like something is wrong with me. But his ex-girlfriend happens to be my sister's best friend and I know that he gave her oral at least a couple times. He says it's not me, but what am I suppose to think? I'm clean, shaved and cute. What's the problem? 

Thanks, 

Orally Deprived

Normally, Deprived I would tell you to break up with your boyfriend immediately. Hell, I would even make the phone call for you. However, things have changed ever since I've learned that our mutant vaginas are giving dudes the big C.

 Yep, researchers from Ohio State University are linking the influx of HPV-caused throat cancer in males to oral sex in a study from of the Journal of Clinical Oncology released Monday.

"An individual who has six or more lifetime partners — on

 whom they've performed oral sex – has an eightfold increase in risk compared to someone who has never performed oral sex."

- Dr. Maura Gillison of OSU.

Deprived, I'm going to assume that your boyfriend saw this study. Why else wouldn't he want to go down on you? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the years of misogynistic ideas that revolve around female genitalia. I mean, I think every single straight male was going home and literally drowning in his significant others nether regions until this study came out Monday.  

Basically, Deprived, the real question is: Why does Ohio State hate pussy so much? And well, that's just one question this unqualified advisor just can't answer. 

But there is good news, OD! Fellas who do get cancer from muff-diving have a 85-90 percent survival rate compared to guys with oral cancers not related to HPV. 

So, here's what I want you to do. Go home, sit your honey-muffin down and explain to him that while his fear is completely understandable, his survival rate is nearly guaranteed.

After that heart-to-heart, he should basically jump face-first into your lap. If not, I think it's time to find a new boyfriend who appreciates the lady buffet. And with the rise in cunnilingus-caused throat cancer, it seems like you'll have many a man to pick from! Enjoy!

Now, I'm off to get my HPV vaccine, and then give a donation to Planned Parenthood in Michele Bachmann's name. 

XOXO,

 Allie

P.S. If after reading this, you think, "Wow, sex is really confusing." Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!