How to Sext: Part 2

I've recently noticed that one of my most read blog posts is "Cosmo Teaches Us How to Sext. Thank God". The post is all about Cosmo giving the worst sexting advice to impressionable girls.

I wish I could say people are finding this post because they're looking for a mocking commentary on the women's magazine, but that is just not the case. This piece is popular because when people type a certain phrase into Google, my blog pops up. That phrase is... How To Sext.

When I first wrote about sexting, I had no idea people were so eager to learn the art cellular seduction, but now I feel that it's my duty as an unqualified sex advisor to give the people what they want.

Sexting 101.

• Arousing visuals are important when it comes to sexting (just ask any congressman/actor/athlete). But that does not mean that great sexting should be all tits and flaccid penises, sometimes a sexy little prop does the trick.

Poorly written erotica doesn't count.

• Although, it is very important to let your sexting partner know exactly what's waiting for them. Enter the grainy, self-photo of your genitals. Yowza!

Remember to play up your best assets.

• Okay, forget pictures... Sexting really is all about the naughty details. A great sexter is a champion at tantalizing their partner with some mind-blowing word play. 

Never use the word "ointment" in sexting.

• If all this stuff seems pretty novice, then maybe you are a big-league sexter. For these pros I would suggest implementing a little fantasy in your sexting. It's like virtual roleplaying.

Maybe sexy librarian would be a better choice.

• And if all else fails, remember, nothing says "Fuck me like I'm paying your rent" more than an EMOJI!  8====D~~~ ( ;

And they lived happily ever after.

Suck on that, Cosmo! 

Cosmo Teaches Us How to Sext. Thank God.

People are not sending any questions into I'm Not Really a Barista. Obviously, this means that everyone is completely content in their relationships, and/or they decided writing about anal to a stranger on the internet with no verifiable skills other than being snarky and making a latte isn't a great idea.


Either way, I'm sure people will be begging for my advice after I share some of Cosmopolitan's.


Yep, the mag who has been giving 17-year-olds some of the worst sex tips known to man is telling us how to send the HOTTEST TEXT MESSAGES EVA!!


So here you go ladies, try sending one of these bad boys to your significant other, and then when he questions your mental capacity, fire off an email to me.

The 10 Hottest Texts to Send to Send a Guy

At work having very NSFW thoughts about throwing you down on my desk...

I know you're busy today, but can you add one thing to your to-do list? Me.

Just got out of the shower. Why don't you come over and help me get dirty again?

In 30 minutes I'll be getting off. Will you be here to join in the fun?

Wish you were here... [With a picture of your inner thigh or cleavage — without showing anything X-rated.]

Had a very dirty dream about you last night. Let's reenact it tonight.

See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM

Using one hand to write this text and press the send button. Using the other hand to press MY button...

Practicing yoga poses...totally naked. Wanna see how flexible I am?

Just went to the bathroom at the [bar/party/restaurant] and took off my underwear. One less thing for you to remove tonight...

Hey Cosmo... You do realize that batshit-crazy lawmakers are trying to redefine "personhood" and take all of our reproductive rights away, right? Can we please stop giving them a leg to stand on.


BTW, if you totes want to get a guy to be DTF via text, how about you try this doozy: Wanna bang? 


Jeez, no wonder Snooki is a best-selling author.


P.S. I guess everyone thinks Cosmo's sex advice is dumb as fuck. Watch this guy get his dick assaulted. 

I Tried Cosmo's Sex Advice—Wow, My Penis Hurts! (But the Mango Was Nice...) - watch more funny videos