An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

Just the other day I wrote about my distaste for twerking, then last night you rubbed your ass on the crotch of Robin Thicke's Beetlejuice-inspired pants, and the entire internet exploded.

This may mean I have my finger on the pulse of what's happening, but probably not.

Either way I think you should probably listen to me, because well, what do you have to lose? This photo is already a very real thing.

So, what in the hell was all that about, Miley?

Seriously, did Kanye pay you off because he was sick of hearing about the Taylor Swift thing? That's the only possibility that makes sense. I mean, I know you love to twerk and obviously you hate your father. But sweetheart, last night you wore a condom and danced with furries.

Don't get me wrong anyone who has been a 20-year-old girl has done dumbass stuff for attention. I had a tongue ring and pretended to like girls, but you masturbated with a giant foam finger. Allie: 0, Miley:1.

Jesus, just look how uncomfortable you made wheelchair Jimmy Drake.

I know everyone is kinda coming down on you pretty hard, but we just don't want you to watch you go down the path of so many child stars turned raging lunatics.

Do you really want to end up like Amanda Bynes ... or worse, Danny Bonaduce?

Do you want your future to consist of Education Connect commercials and a stint on Dancing with the Stars? 

No? Then cut it the fuck out!

We get it. You're not Hannah Montana anymore. You have a vagina, a shit ton of Ecstasy, and some very strange fetishes, but that doesn't mean you have to battle Gene Simmons for the Most Overexposed Tongue award. Seriously, put it back in your mouth. It freaks me out.

I'm only going to say this once so listen up, kiddo.

You owe us better than this. 

Just because you're not a role model for pre-teens anymore, doesn't mean you still don't have eyes on you.

You're a woman. And unfortunately that means not everyone believes you are equal. And you're going to have a hard enough time garnering respect without making yourself a caricature. The whore. The barely-dressed teen. The girl who's only good for making a dick hard. It's a cop out.

You are more than that, because we are all more than that. And the sooner you figure that out, the sooner you will have to stop trying to prove you're not Hannah Montana. It'll be clear that you're a woman. 

So, get your shit together, girl. For all of us.

And please, for the love of God, burn whatever you were wearing last night.

Best wishes,

Your Barista

Oh Sweetie, That's Not Right.

If you're like me, listening to people talk about things they know nothing about is hilarious. That's why I watch Fox News when I'm in need of a good chuckle. 

But even better than an episode of The O'Reilly Factor is this clip of Miss Utah giving her opinion on income inequality at the 2013 Miss USA pageant last night.

You're right, Marissa! We definitely need to figure out how to create education better.

But don't worry, sweetie. While you may not have been able to answer an inane question from a Real Housewife, you are genetically superior to probably everyone who is blogging about you. To be honest, I'd stop dating men if you wanted me to. No questions asked. 

So don't worry about this little bump in the road. It was still a better answer than this.

Oh... and next time, just blame the Republican Party, that's what I do.

Welcome to the '50s: Michele Bachmann Edition

Michele Bachmann is about as detrimental to feminism, as, well, Michele Bachmann. We're all aware of this by now. But it seems that this crazy-eyed bitch is always trying to up the ante.

Enter: Michele Bachmann's interview with Sean Hannity.

Mrs. Bachmann explains that she didn't go to her prom. Why you ask? Because she didn't ask boys out! Duh! What do you think she is, a whore? Nope. She's a beard. Get your facts straight.

Anywho, the time-honored tradition of gender submission continues on in the Bachmann household. She told Hannity that her daughters are not allowed to ask boys out on dates. The boys have to be the ones to call.

Just in case you forgot, Mrs. Bachmann is trying to become America's first female president. Who else thinks these rules about not calling boys are going to make things really difficult if she makes it to the White House?

Ugh, why won't Vladimir call?!?


Anyways, here's audio from the Hannity/Bachmann interview.

Shit like this almost makes me miss Palin. 

Almost.

Help! My Girlfriend Has a Gag Reflex

Dear Barista,
I seem to have a problem and hopefully you can help me. My girlfriend of 7 months refuses to go down on me. I go down on her all the time, but the favor is never returned. She says she is scared to do it and thinks that she might throw up on me. I told her just to try it and I said nothing would happen. She still refuses and I'm really starting to get frustrated by not getting oral. I don't know what to do. Is it being an asshole to push the subject? Please help me.

Downtown Deprived

The other day a friend asked me how I knew so much about disturbing sex acts and malfunctioning relationships, since I seem to be in a fully-functioning long-term relationship. First, I told her to mind her own damn business, but afterwards I thought about it. I think I know so much about this topic, because deep down, I am a sexual delinquent. Yep, you heard it here first. I haven't figured out exactly what sick thing turns my crank yet, but I have no doubt that I will be perusing Craigslist looking for some misguided stranger to throw tomatoes at me soon. I'm looking forward to this time in my life, but until then I have you guys. Thanks for making dreams come true. Now on to the advice...


Deprived, as a "lady" who has vomited on a man when a fellatio session went awry, I can't help but sympathize with your girlfriend. I mean there really is no greater shame than baby-wiping a half-digested Lean Pocket off of a potential life mate. I mean, other than being a Bachmann supporter.


However, this fear is no reason to give up on the most powerful bargaining tool known to women: the blowie.


Maybe you should explain to her the crippling power of the blow job. Does she know about Clinton? What about half the members of Congress? This type of power can be quite the aphrodisiac. 

If after you tell the story of a little boy from Arkansas she's still not interested, maybe you could show her some Mandingo porn (Just Google image him). I mean, if women can take that monster down and not vomit like Rachel Zoe after a trip to Pinkberry, than surely she can give yours the ol' college try (Considering you are not a tripod yourself, Deprived).


If after all this motivation, your girlfriend still has no interest in "returning the favor" then I suggest you think about how important this particular sex act is to you. And as I've said in previous posts, I'm assuming it's pretty important since you decided to write a stranger on the internet.


Good luck, Deprived, and if you find yourself single after my string of horrible advice, well then I have a reader who is sick of giving hand jobs. Maybe we can make something happen. 


XOXO ALLIE


P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!