Friday, November 11, 2011

Cosmo Teaches Us How to Sext. Thank God.

People are not sending any questions into I'm Not Really a Barista. Obviously, this means that everyone is completely content in their relationships, and/or they decided writing about anal to a stranger on the internet with no verifiable skills other than being snarky and making a latte isn't a great idea.

Either way, I'm sure people will be begging for my advice after I share some of Cosmopolitan's.

Yep, the mag who has been giving 17-year-olds some of the worst sex tips known to man is telling us how to send the HOTTEST TEXT MESSAGES EVA!!

So here you go ladies, try sending one of these bad boys to your significant other, and then when he questions your mental capacity, fire off an email to me.

The 10 Hottest Texts to Send to Send a Guy

At work having very NSFW thoughts about throwing you down on my desk...

I know you're busy today, but can you add one thing to your to-do list? Me.

Just got out of the shower. Why don't you come over and help me get dirty again?

In 30 minutes I'll be getting off. Will you be here to join in the fun?

Wish you were here... [With a picture of your inner thigh or cleavage — without showing anything X-rated.]

Had a very dirty dream about you last night. Let's reenact it tonight.

See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM

Using one hand to write this text and press the send button. Using the other hand to press MY button...

Practicing yoga poses...totally naked. Wanna see how flexible I am?

Just went to the bathroom at the [bar/party/restaurant] and took off my underwear. One less thing for you to remove tonight...

Hey Cosmo... You do realize that batshit-crazy lawmakers are trying to redefine "personhood" and take all of our reproductive rights away, right? Can we please stop giving them a leg to stand on.

BTW, if you totes want to get a guy to be DTF via text, how about you try this doozy: Wanna bang? 

Jeez, no wonder Snooki is a best-selling author.

P.S. I guess everyone thinks Cosmo's sex advice is dumb as fuck. Watch this guy get his dick assaulted. 


Ally Gregory said...

Did Cosmo also demonstrate poses for dirty sexting pictures?

Allie said...

No!!! But I really wish they had!

the Tsaritsa said...

Geez, these are even worse than trying to pick someone up by asking if they wash their pants with Windex. So friggin dumb. No wonder no one over the age of 17 reads Cosmo.

Krista said...

i sent my husband the one about work and he was like "yo, bitch, you don't work, WTF" and i was like sooo that isn't sexy. then he ignored me. but my dog humped my leg, so i guess it turned some one on.

Allie said...

Tsarita- And why 17 yr olds are such a huge pain in the ass.

Krista- One: I can tell already I like you and your husband. A lot.

Two: I think getting dry-humped by a hairy bitch is exactly what Cosmo was hoping their readers would achieve by sending these texts. So... Congratulations.

MonsteRawr said...

I truly believe that Cosmo is written by a bunch of women who've never had sex before. Seriously, those suck! They're all trying waaaaaay too hard to sound like characters in a porn.

SymbioticLife said...

Phew so glad they posted these! For a while there, I thought it would be up to ME to teach my 14 and 16 yr olds how to Sext. I know my special form of awkwardness is just raging hot and totally seduces my intended targets but seriously, even I can't top those. said...

Great tips for the women. For any guys reading, I did an article about sexting for men.

Sexting 101 for Guys (aka: Making your member seem larger than it appears...)

Allie said...

Monster- Agreed. Someone needs to tell Cosmo that while porn is wonderful, the dialogue is not.

Symbiotic- Yep... feel free to print these out, and set your teens up for sexting success.

Lost- Lol Thanks for the link. I'm sure the fellas appreciate it.

okaystupids said...

My all time favorite bizarre sex tip from Cosmo was in an article about outdoor sex in various settings. For the picnic scenario, they suggested picking up a smooth rock, and pressing into your man's taint mid-coitus.

A rock.

Pressed into his taint.

I can only imagine the poor men who were traumatized by this tip!

Shane Pilgrim said...

^I have to give a shout-out to the above commenter. There's nothing a man loves more than a solid taint-smacking with a rock. You better make sure that rock is perfectly smooth...any sharp edges and suddenly the unlucky lady may find three pebbles in her hand instead of just one!

I don't think all of these texts are that bad. They're not turn-ons, but good for a laugh. Cosmo doesn't realize that guys are pretty simple. "Wanna bang?" is more than enough for us. In fact, it's 3 syllables too long.


Jessica Danielle said...

OMG!! I hated this article on sexting it was so stupid. Obviously these people DONT sext haha. I read an awesome guide on sexting from this guy called manwhore tho haha! He's got really good examples apparently he does tihs a lot :D. Ok let me find link to this guide it's really good!

Hristo Yanev said...

Hi people,
Thank you so much for this wonderful article really!
If someone want to learn more about the family therapy I think this is the right place for you!