Sunday, March 16, 2014

Frozen is Indoctrinating Kids in the Most Adorable Way Possible.

Have you seen the movie Frozen yet? If so, there's a good chance you're now gay. Congratulations!

I know you're probably thinking, that's not how human sexuality works--but it is. At least that's what Kevin Swanson, the batshit insane host of the talk show Religious Right, suggested Wednesday.

Let's go over some of his talking points, shall we.

  • I think this cute little movie [Frozen] is going to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way. Why do these assholes always put homosexuality and bestiality together?
  • I would buy Disney. If I was the Devil, I would buy Disney in 1984, that’s what I would have done. Who spends a large portion of their time thinking about what they would do if they were the Devil in the '80s.
  • I’m guessing the majority of American parents don’t want their little boys turning into sodomites, at this point. My guess is that 60 to 70 percent of them would say, 'That would be my worst nightmare. Uh Oh, he's breaking out made up statistics. Watch out!

You can listen to the entire conversation here if you have a strong stomach.

I can't say for sure that Frozen isn't indoctrinating children with some type of anti-right gay agenda. I haven't seen it yet, so the jury's still out. However, I did just watch Blue is the Warmest Color, and I was super indoctrinated, if you know what I mean. Ladies, hit me up.

But I can say, that Disney has pulled this shit before.

Who didn't watch The Little Mermaid and immediately want to have sex with a fish? King Triton. Oh my God, I don't know how it would work out anatomically, but I want to be on him.

Aladdin. It totally explains my soft spot for men that lie. And steal.

Pocahontas. Let's just say that I've been banned from going anywhere near several reservations after trying to make a John Smith-Allie-Kocoum fantasy happen.

Cinderella. How many foot fetishists did that movie create? 

The Beast. Let's not even go there.

So obviously the Devil is at work acting as the entire Disney corporation, but now we're on to him.

You hear me, Devil Disney! Stop indoctrinating our young with your sexually-charged, animated movies. They're too adorable and tantalizing.

But seriously, who thinks this Kevin Swanson dude shouldn't ever be allowed in a children's movie again if he's seeing this much sexual metaphor in Frozen? He probably shouldn't be near playgrounds either. 

But who knows, that might just be my indoctrination speaking. 

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