Allie,
My boyfriend hates giving oral. He wants me to do it almost every time we have sex but won't return the favor, he says that it's different. He makes me feel extremely self-conscious, like something is wrong with me. But his ex-girlfriend happens to be my sister's best friend and I know that he gave her oral at least a couple times. He says it's not me, but what am I suppose to think? I'm clean, shaved and cute. What's the problem?
Thanks,
Orally Deprived
Normally, Deprived I would tell you to break up with your boyfriend immediately. Hell, I would even make the phone call for you. However, things have changed ever since I've learned that our mutant vaginas are giving dudes the big C.
Yep, researchers from Ohio State University are linking the influx of HPV-caused throat cancer in males to oral sex in a study from of the Journal of Clinical Oncology released Monday.
"An individual who has six or more lifetime partners — on
whom they've performed oral sex – has an eightfold increase in risk compared to someone who has never performed oral sex."
- Dr. Maura Gillison of OSU.
Deprived, I'm going to assume that your boyfriend saw this study. Why else wouldn't he want to go down on you? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the years of misogynistic ideas that revolve around female genitalia. I mean, I think every single straight male was going home and literally drowning in his significant others nether regions until this study came out Monday.
Basically, Deprived, the real question is: Why does Ohio State hate pussy so much? And well, that's just one question this unqualified advisor just can't answer.
But there is good news, OD! Fellas who do get cancer from muff-diving have a 85-90 percent survival rate compared to guys with oral cancers not related to HPV.
So, here's what I want you to do. Go home, sit your honey-muffin down and explain to him that while his fear is completely understandable, his survival rate is nearly guaranteed.
After that heart-to-heart, he should basically jump face-first into your lap. If not, I think it's time to find a new boyfriend who appreciates the lady buffet. And with the rise in cunnilingus-caused throat cancer, it seems like you'll have many a man to pick from! Enjoy!
Now, I'm off to get my HPV vaccine, and then give a donation to Planned Parenthood in Michele Bachmann's name.
XOXO,
Allie
P.S. If after reading this, you think, "Wow, sex is really confusing." Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!
