Catfish. Or Fingers Crossed She's Not a Dude.

Has anyone watched the MTV show "Catfish: The TV Show"? If not, I want you to stop reading this immediately and watch an episode now (come back afterward, please). Or  just watch this clip.

*Warning: SPOILER*

Get More: Catfish: The TV Show, Full Episodes

The premise of the show revolves around the following concept: Since social media has infiltrated every portion of our lives, people are now meeting potential partners online at an overwhelming clip.

Sounds nice, right?

The interwebs are allowing people to fall in love with other people they would never normally meet and they get to have babies and LOL at Grumpy Cat together for eternity. Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg. You're a freaking saint.

But as with anything good and beautiful, there is a catch. People seem to be using this internet machine as a way to deceive others into believing they're someone they're not!

I'll wait why you compose yourself after that shocking revelation.

Better? Good!

The aforementioned deception is what makes the show "Catfish" so incredible! It's basically an hour of you sitting on your couch, praying to little baby Jesus that super-sexy, college-coed "Tiffany" is actually a 40-year-old dude who sleeps on a futon in his parents' basement with an impressive bellybutton-lint collection.

And then you get to watch in horror as the love-sick frat boy realizes he sent dick pics to this guy.

They should actually change the name of this show to "Russian Roulette: Genitalia Edition".

I know it seems like I'm taking these people's heartbreak lightly, but I can't help but feel like most of the subjects on this docu-series had it coming. Not because they dated online, but because they were too damn trusting.

If you really think, in your heart of hearts, that you met a supermodel/millionaire/playboy bunny on fucking Facebook, you deserve to get played out on national TV. That's God's way of whispering in your ear "You have no common sense."

But after watching several episodes and not seeing one person be who they claim to be, I can't help but wonder, is this what online dating is now? A cesspool of guys with necks that look like hot dog packages posing as Channing Tatum look-alikes.

And if so, how can anyone date online without being terrified?

I can't say that I'm not familiar with the online dating world, but this was many, many moons ago back when the internet screamed at you before connecting, and the guy I met ended up being totally normal and we're still good friends.

So what's the deal? Is this amazing train wreck of a TV show portraying the worst side of online dating? Or is it safe to assume that anyone you meet online will be a dead ringer for the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

If you have any experience, opinions or just want to talk about this ridiculous show, leave it in the comments. And as always, horror stories are always welcome!

Help! My Hymen is Growing Back

Allie,

I have not had relations in over 4 years. This was all fine until my sex-crazed roommate focused all of her energy talking about sex and how she's not having any and shes going nuts. Now it is all I can think about and I'm climbing the walls.

My vagina needs some lovins. Without meeting some crazies on Plenty of (dirty) Fish who will inevitably carry some disease, how do I go about finding a mate (long term or otherwise)?

Side note... I have only had 2 partners. The first was really bad. The second was a virgin. I'm afraid I won't know what to do if I do ever get in between the sheets with a man. Your sexpertise is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Desolate in DC


I'm back, y'all!


It's been a long time since I've doled out any unqualified sex advice. And to be honest, I've missed it. There's a certain level of shame that comes from writing about blowjobs on the Internet, that a girl just can't get anywhere else.

It feels like home.

But moving on, I want to thank you DESOLATE for ending my dry spell. Now, let's see if we can't do the same for you. But first, a little tough love is in order.

Four years, DESOLATE? Really?


Your vagina could have graduated college. She could have served one term as president. She could have trained for the Olympics. She could be winning a fucking gold medal for an inspiring rhythmic gymnastic routine with all the time she's had on her figurative hands. 

That's not good, DESOLATE. Your vagina is pissed. But I'm here to help.

So first things first--and this is for my male readers--can you bang your roommate? If so, please send video. But if scissor-sistering your roommate is not an option, then I think you might want to reconsider taking a dip in the online dating pool.


Listen, I applaud you for not jumping on Plenty of (disease-ridden) Fish and screwing the first guy who messages you, but I don't think that a website with a bad reputation should discredit all the benefits that online dating has to offer someone. Especially someone who may be lacking in the experience department.


Let me explain, online dating allows you to be non-committal. You can view some profiles, send some messages, and slowly open yourself up to possibilities of dating and/or banging new people. 


Plus sometimes it's easier to be honest when you're not face-to-face with a stranger. For example--it may be difficult to say, "I've only been with a couple of dudes and haven't had a good boning in about four years" on a first date. 


Although, I think once you become reacquainted with the dating world, you should take your newfound skills and practice them in real life. Because that's the thing about dating, you can meet people anywhere, so you have to make sure you are open to the possibilities. 


So flirt with that hot guy at Starbucks. Or message a former crush on Facebook. Dating and sex involves putting yourself out there, whether that be on POF or at the bar down your street.


And finally, about being afraid of your sexual performance once you do become intimate with someone, I suggest two things.

1. Get to know your body sexually. Learn what you like. What you don't like. That way it will not be a blind-leading-the-blind situation the next time you do the no-pants dance with someone.

2. Communicate! This is important. Let the person you're with know you're inexperienced. Don't be ashamed. Own it. And then continue to communicate and encourage your partner to do the same. If you can take your clothes off with someone, you should be able to have a chat with them about your needs.

Now go! You've got four years of apologizing to do.

You're gonna be busy.

XOXO

Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "I'd like to have sex with Desolate in DC" then write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. Or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!