Dear Mr. Limbaugh,
I want to start this off by letting you know that I'm a huge fan. Huge. I mean, any guy who can shove that much Oxycontin down his throat without accidentally killing himself is obviously a man of mental and physical fortitude.
Bravo, good friend, bravo.
But moving on, the main reason I'm writing to you is because I have heard that you have gotten yourself into a little bit of hot water with the left. Yesterday on your radio show you elaborated on your opinion about Sandra Fluke, the young Georgetown law student who testified to the House about contraception. You know, the one you called a slut.
You said: "So Miss Fluke, and the rest of you Feminazis, here's the deal! If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex. We want something for it. We want you to post videos online so we can all watch."
Zing!!! You really showed the soon-to-be lawyer/penis-gobbler who's boss, Rushy! It's about time these contraceptive-using whores start paying to play. I've never been more on your side than now!
I mean, employers covering contraception is exactly the same thing as having taxpayers paying a woman for sex. Why don't these sex-addicted broads who don't want kids just have multiple abortions.
No, silly goose, not legal abortions, back-alley abortions, which is basically just a metal hanger and some alcohol swabs. That will show those skanks that their vaginas are strictly for spitting out babies--nine months after their husbands deflower them on their wedding night, of course.
But you and I both know that there will still be women who have nothing better to do than throw their tantalizing axe-wounds around on the government dime, and the only way they will learn that nothing is for free, is to take part in your "Porn for the Pill" program. (Hope you don't mind, but I decided to give your initiative a spiffy name.)
Using yesterday's outline, any woman who has ever thought about using contraception --ever-- will have to upload video of any sexual act they take part in to the internet in order to earn her birth control. But I was thinking, what if these women of loose morals send their videos DIRECTLY TO YOU?!
Genius, I know.
So, I am going to encourage all of the sexually-active women who read this to send their amateur porn to Mr. Limbaugh's email address, which you can find HERE!
If you don't have any of your own porn, feel free to send whatever porn you can find.
And remember, Mr. Limbaugh has spent a little time in jail, so don't be afraid to send him the weird stuff.
Watersports. Chicks with Dicks. Bestiality. Scat. Anything you've ever seen while on a trip to Tijuana, send to our man Rush.
Oh, and Mr. Limbaugh, don't worry, I won't rest until you are elbow deep in porn featuring people shitting on glass tables.
It's the only way us sluts will ever learn.
Love you bunches,