Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Help! Self Love is Complicated

Dear Allie,

Recently, I have found myself alone for the first time in over 10 years. My sisters' husbands have bragged about how much we girls in my family enjoy sex. My problem is now that I miss the fact that I miss sex. It used to be something that I really enjoyed and now I feel, well, mehh about it. To alleviates this situation, I went back to my beginnings and tried to masturbate. I found out though, that I HAD to fantasize about someone in order to make it work. Sometimes men, sometimes women, but I wonder, is there any other way to finish successfully? Suggestions?

Andi from Kansas

Happy Valentines Day all!

I hope everyone has enjoyed their Hallmark holiday. I know I did! Some Taco Bell and one heart-shaped chocolate box down, and I'm ready to ingest a whole bottle of Tums and watch the Daily Show in bed with my sweetheart.

But not before I give you all your V-Day present: My horrible sex advice to a stranger from the internet.

So Andi from Kansas, first, I must applaude you for using your real name and for admitting that you masturbate in the state of Kansas. Both admirable!

Now I read over your question a couple times, and aside from you feeling lackluster about sex, I can't really find a problem. I mean, you have to fantasize about someone during masturbation to reach orgasm?

I think that's the point.

Aside from fantasizing about a person or a scenario, I'm not exactly sure what would be an appropriate masturbation mind-reel. Besides maybe that taco/chocolate combo I mentioned earlier.

Basically, I don't think there's anything wrong with you having to fantasize about someone to get yourself off. I think it's healthy, normal and amazing to think about Ryan Reynolds, shirtless, and wearing a Reagan mask (or maybe that's just Mr. Rick Santorum's fantasy).

I even have an inkling that if you continue to stretch your sexual imagination, you may be able to hunt down your lost libido.

Listen Kansas, after 10 years in a relationship you are probably a much different person sexually than the last time you were single. Give yourself time to explore this side of you. The side that does not have a sexual partner. The side that can indulge in whatever fantasy you choose. Don't be afraid of your sexual fantasies. If anything, use them as a tool to guide you into the next chapter of your sexual life.

Unless that life involves Newt Gingrich in a Reagan mask, then it's time to find the nearest convent.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "I fantasize about Ryan Reynolds in a Reagan mask!" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous.


Lost.in.Idaho said...

Toys! Porn!

Get wild!

Honestly it helps. I got out of a seven year relationship and had to redefine myself as a sexual person. It took some work, but was well worth it.

Julia Steele said...

I say to cut yourself some slack and take a break. I'm pretty sure there is no way to do that "wrong." Once the dust settles on the break-up, your regular mojo will come back.

Kari said...

Not at all appropriate to comment stream, but I wanted you to know I feel the same as you do about Santorum, and am genuinely scared by his continued success in the caucuses (is that a word?)And your advice kicks ass.

Allie said...

Lost- Excellent tips! I'm sure it helps to see someone come out on the other side of a long relationship.

Julia- Agreed! I definitely think you have to give yourself a little time after the end of a serious relationship!

Kari- Thanks! And I always appreciate someone who is in the same boat with me on Santorum. Hopefully most rational people are!

Shane Pilgrim said...

I think Kansas should take this time to explore sides of herself that she never had a chance to get in touch with. As you said, she should let her fantasies guide her as she redefines herself.

By the way, Allie, thought you'd like to know I registered as a voter the other day. I'm independent but I registered Republican just so I can vote against Santorum, Gingrich, and the rest of the chuckleheads in the primaries. Ron Paul all the way! :D


P.S. Rick Santorum is selling his 'official sweater vests' for the low, low price of $100. What a steal! I think this would make a fantastic topic for one of your posts.


Kathy Schneider said...

Look at your diet and any medications you are on. Both can make a big difference in your sex drive. And I agree with the advice in the post. Some women can't get themselves to orgasm at all, so I wouldn't feel bad about having to think of someone to do it.

MonsteRawr said...

Wait, fantasizing is wrong? If that's the case, not only am I masturbating wrong but I'm doing sex overall incorrectly!

Though I will offer this titbit of advice: the one place I find I don't wander off into Johnny Depp/Kari Byron land (don't judge) is in the shower. Maybe if fantasizing makes Ms Kansas feel like too much of a dirty birdie she should introduce herself to Mr Shower Head.

Britt said...

I know you think your advice is terrible, but I think you're spot on with this one.
Also: Kansas should go on a fun excursion to a sex shop with a friend or alone and explore her options! The world of toys has made some pretty impressive leaps in recent years.

Masturbating without fantasy seems extremely strange to me. Staring at the ceiling and thinking about what your vagina feels like just doesn't sound sexy.

Allie said...

Shane- I love you! You always come through with great Santorum-related topics!

Kathy- I definitely think you're right about the diets and meds. Birth control and some anti-depressants can kill the libido!

Monster- Mr. Showerhead! I know him well.

Britt- Thanks! And I'm with you, I can't think of anything less orgasm-inducing than trying not to fantasize.

Britt said...

I nominated you for a Liebster Award!!!