Monday, June 13, 2011

Barista Fetish? Read on.

Recently, I have come across a plethora of articles about flirting with baristas. Most paint us as nothing more than money-grubbing whores who will bat their eyelashes at anyone who throws a five in the tip jar-- which is pretty much spot on-- but that doesn't mean that one could never truly be interested in a customer. So for those who have stumbled upon my lovely, little blog while trying to find coffee-girl porn, you're in luck. I'm going to give my list of top tips on how to garner the attention of a barista.

1. If it's pink or sickeningly sweet ... Don't freaking order it. I can't tell you how many times a perfectly beautiful man has been spoiled by his obsession with white chocolate mochas or strawberries and cream frappuccinos. It instantly makes us believe that you are the proud owner of a vagina. 

2. When a barista asks if you need sweetener in your coffee, please don't ask her to stick her finger in it. This line is commonly used by men with date-rapist moustaches. 

3. Don't try to impress us with your coffee knowledge. We don't care. I would rather shove my hand in a blender than hear a guy share his opinion about washed vs. semi-washed coffee beans. 

4. Never bring up how much money you make in the 90-second span of a barista taking your order.
"Yeah, I'm going to have my Cadillac serviced after I leave here. She cost me a cool 80-grand, but she was worth every penny. Maybe, I could take you for a ride sometime."
"Or, maybe I could just stumble upon your gay porn collection now and save me a couple months."

5. No penis puns. I know how tempting it is with the word grande flying around to make a junk reference, but trust me, the only thing it will do is make us want to unload a can of pepper spray in your eyes.

6. Dress well. I do not want to get asked out by a man in pajamas or an Affliction t-shirt. If you have ever come into a store with either one of these items on, please stop reading this post and begin the process of buying yourself a lifelike sex doll. It will be easier in the long run, I promise.

7. Be nice. The easiest but most underused trick in the book. After a string of doucheface customers, I have seriously considered dry-humping the first genuinely nice person I come in contact with. Smile, ask how they're doing, say thank you. In the starved-for-kindness profession of coffee bitch having someone treat you like a person is super hot.

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