Monday, August 26, 2013

An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

Just the other day I wrote about my distaste for twerking, then last night you rubbed your ass on the crotch of Robin Thicke's Beetlejuice-inspired pants, and the entire internet exploded.

This may mean I have my finger on the pulse of what's happening, but probably not.

Either way I think you should probably listen to me, because well, what do you have to lose? This photo is already a very real thing.

So, what in the hell was all that about, Miley?

Seriously, did Kanye pay you off because he was sick of hearing about the Taylor Swift thing? That's the only possibility that makes sense. I mean, I know you love to twerk and obviously you hate your father. But sweetheart, last night you wore a condom and danced with furries.

Don't get me wrong anyone who has been a 20-year-old girl has done dumbass stuff for attention. I had a tongue ring and pretended to like girls, but you masturbated with a giant foam finger. Allie: 0, Miley:1.

Jesus, just look how uncomfortable you made wheelchair Jimmy Drake.

I know everyone is kinda coming down on you pretty hard, but we just don't want you to watch you go down the path of so many child stars turned raging lunatics.

Do you really want to end up like Amanda Bynes ... or worse, Danny Bonaduce?

Do you want your future to consist of Education Connect commercials and a stint on Dancing with the Stars? 

No? Then cut it the fuck out!

We get it. You're not Hannah Montana anymore. You have a vagina, a shit ton of Ecstasy, and some very strange fetishes, but that doesn't mean you have to battle Gene Simmons for the Most Overexposed Tongue award. Seriously, put it back in your mouth. It freaks me out.

I'm only going to say this once so listen up, kiddo.

You owe us better than this. 

Just because you're not a role model for pre-teens anymore, doesn't mean you still don't have eyes on you.

You're a woman. And unfortunately that means not everyone believes you are equal. And you're going to have a hard enough time garnering respect without making yourself a caricature. The whore. The barely-dressed teen. The girl who's only good for making a dick hard. It's a cop out.

You are more than that, because we are all more than that. And the sooner you figure that out, the sooner you will have to stop trying to prove you're not Hannah Montana. It'll be clear that you're a woman. 

So, get your shit together, girl. For all of us.

And please, for the love of God, burn whatever you were wearing last night.

Best wishes,

Your Barista

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Ridiculous Societal Expectations: Twerking Edition

I can't twerk.

I'm pretty sure that could have went without saying, but just in case you're an optimist, that shit isn't happening for me. My ass cannot move independently from my body, and until recently I was not aware that was an issue.

Enter: Social media, Miley Cyrus and basically all of mid-2013 pop culture.

These things made me realize that not only should I be twerking, I should be really fucking good at it, like some beautiful mix of trained ballerina and drug-addled stripper.

Let me explain for anyone more stereotypically caucasian than myself. Urban Dictionary defines twerking as "the rhythmic gyrating of the lower fleshy extremities in a lascivious manner with the intent to elicit sexual arousal...".

Yeah, that's not happening.

I can't twerk. I can't rhythmically gyrate my lower fleshy extremities. But I can wear the fuck out of a cardigan, and if that doesn't elicit enough sexual arousal, I don't know what to tell you.

I'm not coordinated. I'm not sexy. And even if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't do this.

My dad almost shot me in the face as a kid, and I still don't have enough father issues to twerk on a trashcan. 

Ladies, we have to stop doing stuff like this! I don't care how many rappers want us to "wiggle like your trying to make our ass fall off". 

Don't we have other things to offer?

Hell, I'm a great speller. Can't I just stand, fully clothed, and spell "ambidextrous" without needing it used in a sentence. That's impressive. Why can't 2 Chainz rap about that? 

That song would write itself.

All I'm saying is that eventually there will come a time in your life where video evidence of you twerking on inanimate objects will be embarrassing.

And besides who has ever made an actual living that started by shaking their ass in front of a camera?

Fuck. I'm definitely not winning this battle, am I?

Sunday, August 18, 2013

I Saw Lady Gaga's Vagina and Now I Hate Myself.

I have a problem.

I am obsessed with seeing celebrities without their clothes on. It's not something I'm necessarily proud of, in fact, it might be getting a little out of hand. As soon as I hear that someone with a Wikipedia page had their iPhone hacked, I am all over that shit.

Do you know how long I searched for the uncensored version of Anthony Weiner's dick pictures? A really long time. Did I want to see it? Absolutely not.

See, it's a kind of a problem.

Oh, and I've seen them all--and their sex tapes.

I chalk it all up to being a curious human being and/or a sexual deviant. I'm not entirely sure which category I fall under yet. But I'm nearly positive if I was a man I would be in jail by now for peeping through someone's blinds. God bless my boobs. They're always getting me out of stuff, like tickets and criminal voyeurism.

Today I watched the Lady Gaga Kickstarter video that features her running around upstate New York naked, chanting and dry-humping crystals. You can find the video HERE, if you want to see some really odd shit for like two minutes.

I assume this video is similar to watching a snuff film. You know you should turn it off. You know that it's going to cause some irreversible damage. But, hell, you've already come this far.

Now don't get me wrong, not every photo/film of a celebrity or pseudo-celebrity taking their clothes off, to further their career and having their privacy violated, is scarring.

I saw Scarlett Johansson's breasts, and I'm a better person because of it. I also might be a little gay.

I've also seen Screech from Saved by the Bell's penis--and once again, I might be a little gay.

But something was different about watching Lady Gaga galavant around a forest with her vagina out. Maybe it's because it's supposed to be art, and I'm about as deep as a puddle. Or maybe because it wasn't some grainy, night-vision "mistake" done by a socialite who has had more baby juice in her than a sperm bank cup.

Either way, I think my pervin' days are done.

Unless there's ever a video of Ryan Gosling giving Gerard Butler a junk-out neck massage, because in that case I want that masterpiece playing at my wedding.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Rush Limbaugh Calls Oprah Fat and Everyone is Really Confused.

Rush Limbaugh, the svelte, sexual creature that he is, suggested that maybe Oprah was not the target of racism on her recent trip to Switzerland--but sizeism.

LIMBAUGH: Maybe, it's because The Oprah
 is fat!... Don't most people think the the obese
 are poor and stupid? Where do you see fat people?
You see them at places where things don't cost very much.

Watch the Limbaugh video HERE.

Okay, so just so we're clear. This guy...

called this woman fat?

And my reaction was something like this...


Because that shit just doesn't make any sense. 

Besides the very obvious fact that Rush Limbaugh hasn't seen his feet (or penis) in years, his silly ass is trying to fuck with Oprah.


She's seen God. Hell, they text.

She's all, "What's up, G-Money?" And God's all, "O! You're my favorite. When you get up here we're going to get married."

Seriously though, doesn't he know that this is not the woman to mess with. She could buy him. Or at least make him disappear. Which I would be totally okay with--just in case you're reading, Oprah!

But what bothers me more than anything, is that this guy, who looks like a coked-out puffer fish, thinks he has any room to criticize any woman's appearance. He thinks he has the right to invalidate her experience. To suggest what she felt wasn't about her race. It was about her waistline.

Oh, if only Oprah had a Tumblr-inspired thigh gap this wouldn't have happened.

Thanks for pointing that one out, Rushie. But one question ...

Who in the fuck do you think you are?

This is Oprah. One time she gave, like, 100 strangers cars. The only thing you've ever given to anyone, is some poor hooker a broken rib from being underneath you--and probably herpes.

But me and Oprah--we're going to let this one go.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Why are you Talking in Acronyms? The Joys of Dealing with Teenagers.

I hate teenagers.

That's not an overstatement. If I could punch a 16 year old in the face without ending up on COPS, I would. But I can't, so I'm doing the next best thing--defaming them on my blog.

So back to my point, I really hate teenagers.

No, it's not just because I have no idea what "ratchet" means. Or because I can't twerk. Or because some sophomore in high school called me old. Bitch, I am 27, I will kill your family.

It's because they're assholes.

And while I understand that this is all a necessary stage in the maturing process, it doesn't mean I have to be cool with it. Sure babies scream all the time and piss themselves, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy the screaming or the piss.

And at least babies are cute some of the time. Teenagers are just oily, half-formed humans, who control way to much of what's playing on the radio. Why is Justin Beiber still a thing? And who is Harry Styles?

I know you're probably thinking, "Whoa, Allie, where is this coming from?"

Well, dear reader, in case you didn't catch on from the title of this blog, I'm a barista, and it's summertime. This means that instead of being locked away in school for eight hours a day, these little monsters are coming to the unnamed coffee establishment I work for and making me question how long I could survive in prison.

Let's set the scene, shall we? Two teenagers in a BMW pull up to the drive-thru window.

Barista: Hey, how are you?

Teen 1: (to Teen 2) Oh. Em. Gee, Tiffakneeeee, you have to watch this video Brian just posted on Instagram. He's sooo stupid but sooo Hoooottttt!

Barista: It's gonna be $9.30.

Teen 2: (Stank face given from passenger seat) Umm, I'm gonna need you to separate those drinks for us.

Barista: Okay, so the first one is gonna be $4.66. 

Teen 1: (Searches for money until Miley Cyrus song comes on radio. Turns up radio.) Miley has turned into such a slut. Did you see her video? You can totally see her pussy.

Teen 2: Ratchet bitch.

Barista: (Making mental note to Google Miley Cyrus video) Okay, it's gonna be $4.66.

Teen 1: GOD, hold on! I'm still trying to find my money. 

Teen 2: It's whatever. Just put the drinks back together.

Barista: Okay, so it's gonna be $9.30.

Teen 2: I want you to put  $3 on my card and the rest in cash. (Tiffakneeeee proceeds to  hand over an Amex, a rolled up $5 bill and handful of change.)

Barista: (Hands them their drinks) Have a good one.

Teen 1: (To Teen 2) God, that took long enough. And they didn't even put enough whip cream on it. So dumb. (Pulls away).

Do you see what I have to deal with? These little sub-humans are the reasons I come home and drink boxed wine. Where's the "It Gets Better" videos for the adults who have to deal with these little fuck-heads on a daily basis? But if it's any consolation, you can kinda see Miley's vag in that video.

Now seriously, what the hell does "ratchet" mean?

Monday, August 5, 2013

Shocker: Sydney Leathers Does Porn [NSFW]

Here I was feeling all bad about it being two years since I graduated from college and, lo and behold, Sydney Leathers does porn to make me feel better about myself.

Good looking out, girl!

If you don't know who Sydney Leathers is then you probably have a life and haven't been entirely consumed with the Anthony Weiner "I like to wag my dick at co-eds" scandal.

Let me catch you up: Leathers is the 23-year-old political science student, who engaged in a six-month online affair with the NYC mayoral candidate. Leathers then took the 15-minutes of fame that Carlos Danger's junk afforded her and spun it into a sex tape.

The video produced by Vivid Entertainment, responsible for nearly every pseudo-celeb sex tape out there, does not contain any actual sex. Leathers is shown posing nude and pleasuring herself.

And who can blame her after all that hot Anthony Weiner action? Homegirl probably has a lot to sexual tension built up.

So, good for you, Sydney. I'm sure this won't end badly at all.

Warning: If you don't want to see a young woman do things with an American flag that she will regret for the rest of her life, turn away now.

I'm nearly certain this is what Betsy Ross had in mind for the flag.