Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Why are you Talking in Acronyms? The Joys of Dealing with Teenagers.

I hate teenagers.

That's not an overstatement. If I could punch a 16 year old in the face without ending up on COPS, I would. But I can't, so I'm doing the next best thing--defaming them on my blog.

So back to my point, I really hate teenagers.

No, it's not just because I have no idea what "ratchet" means. Or because I can't twerk. Or because some sophomore in high school called me old. Bitch, I am 27, I will kill your family.

It's because they're assholes.

And while I understand that this is all a necessary stage in the maturing process, it doesn't mean I have to be cool with it. Sure babies scream all the time and piss themselves, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy the screaming or the piss.

And at least babies are cute some of the time. Teenagers are just oily, half-formed humans, who control way to much of what's playing on the radio. Why is Justin Beiber still a thing? And who is Harry Styles?

I know you're probably thinking, "Whoa, Allie, where is this coming from?"

Well, dear reader, in case you didn't catch on from the title of this blog, I'm a barista, and it's summertime. This means that instead of being locked away in school for eight hours a day, these little monsters are coming to the unnamed coffee establishment I work for and making me question how long I could survive in prison.

Let's set the scene, shall we? Two teenagers in a BMW pull up to the drive-thru window.

Barista: Hey, how are you?

Teen 1: (to Teen 2) Oh. Em. Gee, Tiffakneeeee, you have to watch this video Brian just posted on Instagram. He's sooo stupid but sooo Hoooottttt!

Barista: It's gonna be $9.30.

Teen 2: (Stank face given from passenger seat) Umm, I'm gonna need you to separate those drinks for us.

Barista: Okay, so the first one is gonna be $4.66. 

Teen 1: (Searches for money until Miley Cyrus song comes on radio. Turns up radio.) Miley has turned into such a slut. Did you see her video? You can totally see her pussy.

Teen 2: Ratchet bitch.

Barista: (Making mental note to Google Miley Cyrus video) Okay, it's gonna be $4.66.

Teen 1: GOD, hold on! I'm still trying to find my money. 

Teen 2: It's whatever. Just put the drinks back together.

Barista: Okay, so it's gonna be $9.30.

Teen 2: I want you to put  $3 on my card and the rest in cash. (Tiffakneeeee proceeds to  hand over an Amex, a rolled up $5 bill and handful of change.)

Barista: (Hands them their drinks) Have a good one.

Teen 1: (To Teen 2) God, that took long enough. And they didn't even put enough whip cream on it. So dumb. (Pulls away).

Do you see what I have to deal with? These little sub-humans are the reasons I come home and drink boxed wine. Where's the "It Gets Better" videos for the adults who have to deal with these little fuck-heads on a daily basis? But if it's any consolation, you can kinda see Miley's vag in that video.

Now seriously, what the hell does "ratchet" mean?

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