I'm pretty sure that could have went without saying, but just in case you're an optimist, that shit isn't happening for me. My ass cannot move independently from my body, and until recently I was not aware that was an issue.
Enter: Social media, Miley Cyrus and basically all of mid-2013 pop culture.
These things made me realize that not only should I be twerking, I should be really fucking good at it, like some beautiful mix of trained ballerina and drug-addled stripper.
Let me explain for anyone more stereotypically caucasian than myself. Urban Dictionary defines twerking as "the rhythmic gyrating of the lower fleshy extremities in a lascivious manner with the intent to elicit sexual arousal...".
Yeah, that's not happening.
I can't twerk. I can't rhythmically gyrate my lower fleshy extremities. But I can wear the fuck out of a cardigan, and if that doesn't elicit enough sexual arousal, I don't know what to tell you.
I'm not coordinated. I'm not sexy. And even if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't do this.
My dad almost shot me in the face as a kid, and I still don't have enough father issues to twerk on a trashcan.
Ladies, we have to stop doing stuff like this! I don't care how many rappers want us to "wiggle like your trying to make our ass fall off".
Don't we have other things to offer?
Hell, I'm a great speller. Can't I just stand, fully clothed, and spell "ambidextrous" without needing it used in a sentence. That's impressive. Why can't 2 Chainz rap about that?
That song would write itself.
All I'm saying is that eventually there will come a time in your life where video evidence of you twerking on inanimate objects will be embarrassing.
And besides who has ever made an actual living that started by shaking their ass in front of a camera?
Fuck. I'm definitely not winning this battle, am I?