Monday, September 2, 2013

Walter White Should Make Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

At the certain unnamed coffee establishment that employs me, people lose their freaking minds come September.

Why, you ask? Oh, because pumpkin-flavored everything makes a much anticipated appearance.

You didn't know that pumpkin lattes are like crystal meth to suburban housewives? Well, they are. Ann Taylor wearing ladies in pearls come in offering up their kids' college funds for an early taste.

It's the closest I'll ever get to being a drug dealer.


Here's an example.

Customer: Do you guys have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet?

Barista: No, not yet. But we'll have it in a couple of weeks.

Customer: Come on, I know you have it in there. 

Barista: I'm sorry, ma'am. Unfortunately, I can't sell it, yet.

Customer: Listen, you little bitch. You will sell me that latte!
 What do I have to do? You into girls? You want my wedding ring? 

Okay, that might be a little bit of an exaggeration, but I have been offered money before. And I'm pretty sure one of my co-workers could have gotten a blowjob if he gave in.

I'm not entirely sure what makes people so obsessed with pumpkin products. Maybe people are eager for a small taste of Fall after a brutally hot Summer. Maybe the manufactures mix whatever drug Miley Cyrus is on in it.

But whatever it is, I wish anything could make me as happy as the first week of September makes my customers.

It's like swing sets to kids. Or crack to Tyrone Biggums.


Are any of my readers addicted to pumpkin lattes? Tell me why (or why not) in the comments!