Sunday, April 22, 2012

Road Trip to Chicago or How I Almost Killed My Boyfriend.

There is something relationship-affirming about taking a road trip with someone. Maybe it's because you have no way out. Here I am, nearly 500 miles away from home passing through some hick-ass Tennessee town that has no cell reception and probably no indoor plumbing and I have to hope that he will not kick me out of the car after hearing me reenact my Twitter feed for the last three hours.

That's trust. 

I don't talk about my significant other on here very often (primarily because I'm not entirely sure I won't be trading him up for a newer model soon), but his entire family lives in Chicago, which means we take the 18-hour trip at least once a year. 

Every time after the labor-like excursion we swear we'll fly. We'll take a train. We'll fucking teleport. Anything other than spending a full day in our car, which is the automobile equivalent of a studio apartment with a bathtub in the kitchen. But our overall poverty makes us forget the hellacious experience, and every year we pack ourselves and our 80-pound English bulldog into our two-door sardine can and get on the road.

The first few hours aren't bad. We laugh. We sing. We talk. We catch up in a way that two full-time jobs prohibit. But something happens along the way. About hour six. There is a shift. A change of energy. That takes two seemingly reasonable adults, who like each other, and turns them into maniacs. It's like a mother-fucking Real World reunion. We are carnivorous. It's the Hunger Games set in a Toyota Yaris.

Him: Change the music. If I have to listen to Adele start her period one more time, I'm going to kill myself.

Me: (turns music up) Don't worry, I will kill you myself if you ever FUCKING TALK ABOUT ADELE LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!

It's at this time, when my hatred for him is at an all time high, I have to trust. 

I have to trust that if I get out to pee and/or catch herpes from a truck-stop restroom, that he will not sell me to the first truck driver he encounters for a souvenir keychain. I have to trust that he will not run us into the side of a mountain just so I will stop asking about his high-school girlfriends. I have to trust that he will not turn into Chris Brown after listening to me sing the Wicked soundtrack through the entire state of Kentucky. 

You all know I like to give horrible relationship advice, but here is the best advice I will ever give anyone questioning their relationship: Take a road trip. If both parties come back alive, then it's solid. 

We made it to Chicago, by the way. But next year, we're teleporting.



Maxwell said...

Fun fact - Chicago is this hellacious embodiment of the world "terrible." If you need to experience was "terrible" is, visit Chicago. The GF and I road tripped there last week and it was the worst fucking trip. We nearly killed ourselves (via suicide) to escape driving in Chicago.

Glad you're alive.

Allie said...

Yeah, I never drive once we're here for that exact reason.

Glad you made it out!

House Poulette said...

Very funny. I had never thought of roadtrips that way, but you are so right. Roadtrips totally take your relationship with someone to the next level, good or bad!

Allie said...

Thanks! And it really is true. My bf and I have been making it for about 8 years, but it never gets any easier!

MonsteRawr said...

Oy, do I hear you. Driving from Oklahoma City to Decatur, IL to Atlanta, GA. Add two VERY pissed off cats and it's any wonder that all four of us made it alive.

L'Ombre Secrète said...

This is why the boyfriend and I fly inter-state. Although, the states here are much bigger (it takes about 11 hours to get to the next major city from our own).

Well, that and the fact that the two of us are too stupid/useless to drive.

Hop a 'plane next time.

Allie said...

MonsteRawr- Ugh! Pissed-off animals makes the whole thing so much worse. Luckily, our dog was pretty good this time.

L'Ombre-I know! We really should, buut our cheapness gets us every time!

Carrymel said...

If teleporting were a real option I would do it all the time. I can't see myself trapped in a car with just me and my bf on a road trip, but it could happen. I think you handled yourself pretty well though, considering.

You've got to love it when a guy loves you even during a roadtrip :)

PS - *waves! oh heyyy! I'm back!

Allie said...

I think anything that didn't involve my hands around his throat could be considered "handling myself well" lol

And I'm SO glad you're back!

House Poulette said...

Hey again! Just nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award!

HeatherRose said...

Books on tape. Lots of them. Murder mysteries work best, especially when driving through rural Indiana. Neither one of you will want to stop the car for fear of sexial-ax-murderer-rapists hiding in the rape-woods, and you will get there so much faster.

L-Kat said...

In college I am pretty sure I teleported to Taco Bell every Saturday after a day/night of drinking. I never actually remembered the ride there. Maybe you just need to get really drunk for your teleportation skills to be activated.

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

Road trips are the ultimate test in a relationship. Especially when one person in the car enjoys listening to the "Delilah" radio show and one person does not.

Allie said...

House- Thanks so much!!!

Heather- That's a really good idea! Although after some of the things I've seen on this trip, I don't know if I'm afraid of rapists/murderers.

Enter:Me walking in on a woman having phone sex in a truck stop bathroom.

L-Kat- LMAO! I'm going to do that.

Ally- Agreed! A difference in programming taste can nearly mean the end of a relationship while on a road trip.

Gia said...

Hahaha that much time in a car with someone sounds awful. Also, i get super bad motion sickness, so add that to the mix. ick.

Allie said...

Yep, awful about sums it up lol

Clarisse said...

The thought of an 8-hr drive already makes me agitated, I don't know if I'll survive an 18-hr road trip. Kudos to you for surviving! :)

Shaneiferd said...

Haha! Oh man, this was a fantastic entry. I laughed the whole time I was reading it. Classic Allie. Kudos. I nearly died when I read "Hunger Games in a Toyota Yaris"...because it's so true. I've been on two road trips with significant others and more with family than I care to count. And man, are they miserable experiences. Bonding experiences? Yes, if you don't kill each other. But miserable nonetheless.

Happy to hear it was a safe trip!


Ach du lieber said...

Oh, I don't know that flying is any better...there's parking issues at the airport (do we park on-site or take a shuttle?), the stress of him refusing to take off his belt until we actually step up to the xray machine in security, the pissiness when he's too cheap to buy lunch in the concourse...well, you get the point.
Travel alone and meet at the destination. There you have my relationship advice for the day.

Allie said...

Chriselle- You're right, 8 hours is still tough.

Shane- Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. And you're right, they are definitely bonding experiences, if you make it out alive.

Ach- Lol I think that might be the best advice I've ever received.