I was surveying the magazine rack while waiting in line at the grocery store the other day, when I noticed a boisterous men's fitness magazine exclaiming that inside it's glossy pages lay sex tips bound to make its readers the greatest lovers imaginable. Okay, I'll bite.
I opened the magazine. It's my duty as an unqualified sexual advisor/coffee maker to know how to make a woman lose her shit. Also, I'm not entirely sure I don't have a quasi-lesbian phase ready to sneak up on me at any time.
The article read like cheap erotica. Supposedly women were telling about their hottest sexual experiences, and how they were linked to their senses.
Taste. Touch. Smell. Sleepy. Dopey. Doc. The whole gang.
About three sentences in, I knew it was going to end badly. It was like watching Jodi Foster give her speech at the Goldens Globes.
Is there anyway a woman actually wrote this? She must have been under duress. What are they doing to their female interns over at Men's Health?
"He poured honey over my navel and hip bones, then softly licked and bit my skin. When he kissed me afterward, he tasted sweet."
Umm, no. Have you ever fucked with honey?!
I'm a barista and can tell you for certain that honey is basically just tasty-ass super glue. You might as well roll around in hot tar.
Don't put honey on anyone.
Sure it sounds sexy in theory, but afterward when your lady friend has to loofah off three layers of skin just so she can stop feeling like a sticky mouse trap, she's not going to feel sexy. She's going to feel like she has road rash.
After being surprised that horrible sex advice came from an outlet other than Cosmo, I decided to do a little digging and see what other "advice" was aimed at the fellas. To my surprise, a lot of it revolved around sex and food.
"Anyone who watched Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke in the fridge scene in the kinky movie 9 1/2 Weeks, knows that food incorporated into a sexual encounter can make women crazy with delight." [AskMen.com]
A lot of things make me crazy with delight but getting hummus licked out of my bellybutton is not one of them.
You know what would make me crazy with delight? You not needing a snack during coitus.
And if you even think about putting honey on me, I get to punch you in the throat.
Guys, if you have questions about how to please your lady or what's appropriate to put on her while doing the no-pants dance, write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I'm completely unqualified, but I'm pretty sure that puts me in the same league as these folks writing for major publications.
Oh, and as always, you will remain anonymous.