Yep, you heard me. I'm done. American Apparel is trying to bring back '80s porn bush, and who am I to argue?
I know I'm not alone when I say that shaving my lady junk is easily my least favorite thing of life, mainly because I don't like doing advanced yoga in a shower while welding a razor blade. It's dangerous. I've nearly given myself a clitoridectomy more times than I care to count.
You may be curious what I'm rambling about, which is a typical response when I start screaming about my distaste for pubic grooming, so let me clear things up. An NYC American Apparel attracted a lot of attention Thursday when a window display featured lingerie-clad mannequins rocking full-fledged vagina sweaters.
Now I know what you're thinking, "Wow, those mannequins must be part werewolf, because that is an impressive cooch carpet." And you're right, that bitch looks like a Kardashian between waxes.
And then, "I bet people freaked the EFF out." Also correct.
Everyone with a Twitter account lost their mind because American Apparel--the company that previously sold a shirt featuring a bleeding vagina--did something provocative.
Shock! Gasp! Awe!
I DIDN'T KNOW WOMEN EVEN GREW PUBIC HAIR ANYMORE! DIDN'T IT GO EXTINCT IN THE LATE '90S? I FEEL SO LIED TO, PORN!
But for every newscaster made horribly uncomfortable for even having to talk about a mannequin's bush, there was someone on Tumblr rallying behind the brand for advocating pubic hair acceptance--which is an actual thing, just so you know. In fact, Cameron Diaz and Gwyneth Paltrow have both went on record endorsing a more natural look for their nether hair.
Well shit, if it's good enough for Gwyneth, it's good enough for Allie. I'm 'bout to throw out all my razors, and let that junk get long and luxurious. I'm gonna deep condition it with organic coconut oil and brush it 100 times a day. It's going to be beautiful like Rapunzel's, except when I let down my hair for a handsome prince, I'll get arrested. Because apparently, only mannequins can show their power muffs in public.
Wanna do something about that bullshit, American Apparel?