Help! I Might Be Sleeping with a Douchebag.

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Seen in the South

In case you didn't have enough reasons to be proud of your country this Independence Day, take a look at this deal on wheels.

Photo Credit: @lisadirtymoney (Feel free to harass her. She likes it!)

Suck our dicks, England!

Did You Hear Mitt Romney is ...

It's been a pretty crazy week in politics, what with the Supreme Court upholding President Obama's health care overhaul.


Did you know that under Obamacare it's totally legal to shoot anyone over the age of 65 who has the sniffles for more than 2 days? 


Me either! But Twitter told me. And my relatives on Facebook. 


If you live under a rock, or in a blue state, people are pissed about the SCOTUS ruling. I think Dave Rubin said it best on Twitter.

 

Seems crazy, huh? 

But if you ask anyone against healthcare reform they will give you a laundry list of reasons (many which are batshit crazy) why Obamacare roughly equals Armageddon.

But that's where the Right has always had the Left beat. The crazy coalition.

Righties get together and the crazy spreads like wildfire. Then the crazy gets a bullhorn and screams at the top of its lungs. And then the crazy starts rubbing off on normal people, and I have to hear people say things like.

"Did you hear Obama is going to take away our guns?"

"Did you hear Obama said he's a Muslim."

"Did you hear Obama is a socialist. He's also a fascist.

 No, I don't know what either of those mean, necessarily."

And then I start to cry. Because I realize that the Right is on to something. They out-crazy the Left EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. 

And the president has to do things like show his birth certificate. Because the bullshit grows legs and wanders out of the trailer parks and into the real world.

Well, I think it's time Democrats step up the crazy. And what a perfect time, because I've heard some pretty messed-up stuff about Mitt Romney lately, and I think I should share it with you guys!

Did you hear that Mitt Romney plans on

 selling the U.S. to China? 

Did you hear Mitt Romney is going to outlaw lingerie, 

and we're all going to have to wear Mormon underwear?

Did you hear Mitt Romney doesn't own a gun and 

drives a Prius?

Did you hear Mitt Romney was born in Mexico? He's going

to open the borders to his drug cartel friends!

Did you hear that Mitt Romney thinks Godfather 3 was

the best of the saga?

Did you hear Mitt Romney is going to outlaw Nascar 

and college football?

Did you hear Mitt Romney is from Detroit, and Kid Rock is a supporter?(Oh wait, that one's real. I guess some shit you just can't make up.)

Is there anything YOU'VE HEARD about Mitt Romney?

Misquotes from Marilyn Monroe

I've mentioned in previous posts that I am perplexed by the fascination with Marilyn Monroe quotes. 

This has quadrupled since I've joined Pinterest.

Every other "pin" is a photo of Marilyn Monroe looking absolutely stunning and receiving attribution for a quote that, I would bet an ovary on, never came from her mouth.

 I don't think there was a fixation with size zero during Marilyn's era. Nice try, fatties. 

I wouldn't take advice from her. It didn't turn out that great.

Obviously Miss Monroe has been misquoted, and it is my duty to set the record straight! Here's some quotes I'm nearly positive came from the sex symbol.

Way to lay it all out there, M-Dog.

She has a really good point.

Fact: In 50 years Kim Kardashian will be attributed to 

MLK's "I have a dream" speech.

But Marilyn, she's a feminist, 

which means she's ugly!

Girl! You so crazy.

I didn't think so.

UPDATE: The Tsaritsa inspired a reverse Monroe quote.

Bristol Palin Tells Me Life is a Tripp. However She Named He Kid Tripp so I Don't Trust Her Judgement.

Lifetime, the network responsible for every movie that features a battered woman murdering her husband with a pickaxe, is at it again.

Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp premiered a week ago on the network. In the name of research, I spent an hour watching the previously-aired episodes, and oh man is it good. 

No. Definitely not good in the traditional sense of the word. Good for someone who blogs about horrible reality TV shows. It's good for me.

The premise of the show is unclear, which I think is intentional. The viewer is confused and therefore more susceptible to be preyed upon.

Is this show about her moving to LA? Why is she moving? Where exactly is Wasilla? Why did she name her kid Tripp? What's happening with her chin? Fuck it, I'm already 20 minutes in I guess I'll finish watching.


But from what I could tell, Bristol, Baby Tripp, and her sister Willow (who will inevitably be cast on The Bad Girl's Club) decide to move from Wasilla to Los Angeles.

 Her reasoning: "I'm moving to LA to show Tripp another part of the world."

Actually, Bristol, that is only showing Tripp another part of America. Good effort, though.


Bristol's mom, Sarah Palin (maybe you've heard of her) is very supportive of her girls making the trek to Hollywood. She can be seen in several scenes sounding like an Alaskan Larry the Cable Guy and  spouting clichés about life being an adventure.


A quick aside: This woman named her boys Track and Trigg. I assume her idea of an adventure is getting the shit beat out of you in middle school.


With all the necessary support and still no valid reasoning, the Palin girls head off to sunny California. At first everything is great, they see the awesome mansion they'll be living in. Bristol heads to the super-cool charity she'll be working at that, like, feeds kids or something. Then she visits Skid Row and sees some black people for the first time. All in all, California is pretty swell.

But drama begins when Bristol and a couple friends visiting from Alaska get into an altercation at dinner with some gentlemen who probably don't own Palin 2016 bumper stickers.

Man at Bar (to Bristol who is riding a mechanical bull): Did you ride

 Levi like that? Your mother's a whore. She's fucking Satan.

Bristol: Why is my mother Satan? Is it because your a homosexual?

As you can imagine, shit got real. Bristol ending up sobbing after receiving a verbal bitch slap from a couple of homosexuals. But to be honest, Bristol should have known that the homosexuals are a very sassy bunch.

After that, California wasn't so fun.

Bristol (on the phone after the fight): I have a ton of cameras

and paparazzi on me. This is not fair. This is not fun.

Umm, Bristol, those cameras are from your reality show. You know the one about life being a trip(p)? And fair? Do you remember visiting Skid Row? You're going to need to stop speaking.

Some other stuff happened, like her bitchy sister moving back to Wasilla and her kid filing for a legal name change, but I lost interest in the show once she stopped hysterically crying. 

Overall, Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp is like a shittier version of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  Except, Kim Kardashian had the decency to bang a mediocre rapper on camera before showing up on my TV and calling herself a star.

You're move, Bristol.

What I Really Do: Barista Edition

The What I Really Do Meme was ungodly popular about a couple months back with everyone from stay-at-home moms to Nicholas Cage getting in on all the hot meme action.

However when I searched for "barista" I was disappointed with the the sheer lack of crying displayed in the results. I guess, I'm the only professional latte-maker who drinks and cries when they get home. Whatevs.

Anyway without further ado, I present the I'm Not Really a Barista "What I Really Do" (but not really, as the blog title suggests) meme!

Sad, huh? I'm gonna go cry some more. See you guys Tuesday!

Help! My Hymen is Growing Back

Allie,

I have not had relations in over 4 years. This was all fine until my sex-crazed roommate focused all of her energy talking about sex and how she's not having any and shes going nuts. Now it is all I can think about and I'm climbing the walls.

My vagina needs some lovins. Without meeting some crazies on Plenty of (dirty) Fish who will inevitably carry some disease, how do I go about finding a mate (long term or otherwise)?

Side note... I have only had 2 partners. The first was really bad. The second was a virgin. I'm afraid I won't know what to do if I do ever get in between the sheets with a man. Your sexpertise is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Desolate in DC


I'm back, y'all!


It's been a long time since I've doled out any unqualified sex advice. And to be honest, I've missed it. There's a certain level of shame that comes from writing about blowjobs on the Internet, that a girl just can't get anywhere else.

It feels like home.

But moving on, I want to thank you DESOLATE for ending my dry spell. Now, let's see if we can't do the same for you. But first, a little tough love is in order.

Four years, DESOLATE? Really?


Your vagina could have graduated college. She could have served one term as president. She could have trained for the Olympics. She could be winning a fucking gold medal for an inspiring rhythmic gymnastic routine with all the time she's had on her figurative hands. 

That's not good, DESOLATE. Your vagina is pissed. But I'm here to help.

So first things first--and this is for my male readers--can you bang your roommate? If so, please send video. But if scissor-sistering your roommate is not an option, then I think you might want to reconsider taking a dip in the online dating pool.


Listen, I applaud you for not jumping on Plenty of (disease-ridden) Fish and screwing the first guy who messages you, but I don't think that a website with a bad reputation should discredit all the benefits that online dating has to offer someone. Especially someone who may be lacking in the experience department.


Let me explain, online dating allows you to be non-committal. You can view some profiles, send some messages, and slowly open yourself up to possibilities of dating and/or banging new people. 


Plus sometimes it's easier to be honest when you're not face-to-face with a stranger. For example--it may be difficult to say, "I've only been with a couple of dudes and haven't had a good boning in about four years" on a first date. 


Although, I think once you become reacquainted with the dating world, you should take your newfound skills and practice them in real life. Because that's the thing about dating, you can meet people anywhere, so you have to make sure you are open to the possibilities. 


So flirt with that hot guy at Starbucks. Or message a former crush on Facebook. Dating and sex involves putting yourself out there, whether that be on POF or at the bar down your street.


And finally, about being afraid of your sexual performance once you do become intimate with someone, I suggest two things.

1. Get to know your body sexually. Learn what you like. What you don't like. That way it will not be a blind-leading-the-blind situation the next time you do the no-pants dance with someone.

2. Communicate! This is important. Let the person you're with know you're inexperienced. Don't be ashamed. Own it. And then continue to communicate and encourage your partner to do the same. If you can take your clothes off with someone, you should be able to have a chat with them about your needs.

Now go! You've got four years of apologizing to do.

You're gonna be busy.

XOXO

Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "I'd like to have sex with Desolate in DC" then write to me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com. Or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!