Bristol Palin Tells Me Life is a Tripp. However She Named He Kid Tripp so I Don't Trust Her Judgement.

Lifetime, the network responsible for every movie that features a battered woman murdering her husband with a pickaxe, is at it again.

Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp premiered a week ago on the network. In the name of research, I spent an hour watching the previously-aired episodes, and oh man is it good. 

No. Definitely not good in the traditional sense of the word. Good for someone who blogs about horrible reality TV shows. It's good for me.

The premise of the show is unclear, which I think is intentional. The viewer is confused and therefore more susceptible to be preyed upon.

Is this show about her moving to LA? Why is she moving? Where exactly is Wasilla? Why did she name her kid Tripp? What's happening with her chin? Fuck it, I'm already 20 minutes in I guess I'll finish watching.


But from what I could tell, Bristol, Baby Tripp, and her sister Willow (who will inevitably be cast on The Bad Girl's Club) decide to move from Wasilla to Los Angeles.

 Her reasoning: "I'm moving to LA to show Tripp another part of the world."

Actually, Bristol, that is only showing Tripp another part of America. Good effort, though.


Bristol's mom, Sarah Palin (maybe you've heard of her) is very supportive of her girls making the trek to Hollywood. She can be seen in several scenes sounding like an Alaskan Larry the Cable Guy and  spouting clichés about life being an adventure.


A quick aside: This woman named her boys Track and Trigg. I assume her idea of an adventure is getting the shit beat out of you in middle school.


With all the necessary support and still no valid reasoning, the Palin girls head off to sunny California. At first everything is great, they see the awesome mansion they'll be living in. Bristol heads to the super-cool charity she'll be working at that, like, feeds kids or something. Then she visits Skid Row and sees some black people for the first time. All in all, California is pretty swell.

But drama begins when Bristol and a couple friends visiting from Alaska get into an altercation at dinner with some gentlemen who probably don't own Palin 2016 bumper stickers.

Man at Bar (to Bristol who is riding a mechanical bull): Did you ride

 Levi like that? Your mother's a whore. She's fucking Satan.

Bristol: Why is my mother Satan? Is it because your a homosexual?

As you can imagine, shit got real. Bristol ending up sobbing after receiving a verbal bitch slap from a couple of homosexuals. But to be honest, Bristol should have known that the homosexuals are a very sassy bunch.

After that, California wasn't so fun.

Bristol (on the phone after the fight): I have a ton of cameras

and paparazzi on me. This is not fair. This is not fun.

Umm, Bristol, those cameras are from your reality show. You know the one about life being a trip(p)? And fair? Do you remember visiting Skid Row? You're going to need to stop speaking.

Some other stuff happened, like her bitchy sister moving back to Wasilla and her kid filing for a legal name change, but I lost interest in the show once she stopped hysterically crying. 

Overall, Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp is like a shittier version of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  Except, Kim Kardashian had the decency to bang a mediocre rapper on camera before showing up on my TV and calling herself a star.

You're move, Bristol.

Art Appreciation with Francesca Eastwood

We all have weaknesses--mine is medicinal marijuana, pints of Ben and Jerry's, and brain-cell-murdering reality television.

Normally the more ridiculous the show the better, but recently I've reached my limit.

Enter: Mrs. Eastwood & Company.

The show revolves around Clint Eastwood's wife, their daughters--Francesca and Morgan, and a boy-band full of grown-ass men that she somehow adopted. There's a few more people apart of Mrs. Eastwood's company, but I don't really care enough to Google anymore.

Anyway, this one-season-at-best reality show recently made waves when eldest daughter Francesca and her boyfriend/photographer/douchecanoe Tyler Shields destroyed a $100,000 Birkin bag for a photoshoot.

Enjoy The Soup's take on the Birkin burning.

Oh man, that was some edgy shit! An actor's kid and her boyfriend burned a bag worth more than most people's homes to make a point about consumerism or some shit. Deeeeep.

After watching the episode, some people were pissed. Real pissed. Death-threat pissed. Robbing your ass in a parking lot pissed. Twitter-trend pissed. However, Francesca brushed off the negative reactions as a lack of art appreciation. 

People don't understand art, she was quoted saying.

Hmm, that seems legit. I'm sure people just don't have as much understanding of art as the 19-year-old "model", who also happens to be the offspring of Dirty Harry.

Yep. That has to be it. 

It has nothing to do with the fact that most people are living in poverty, if they're lucky, and that some over-privileged brat and her toolbox boyfriend decided take a chainsaw to a $100,000 bag in the name of "art", but in all honestly it was just done to boost ratings on their shitty reality show.

Then these same favored "artists" have the fucking nerve to say that people (the same people who will eventually get your show cancelled, by the way) don't understand art. Well, maybe that is the case. Maybe people don't understand art enough to placidly allow the destruction of something that could feed thousands of people going to bed hungry. 

Art is a luxury that many are not afforded. 

But you're 19, Frannie, so we'll forgive you. Hopefully in a few years you'll look back and realize this was a bad decision.

But Tyler, your ass is 29. You should know better--artist or not. To be honest, this "art", it's been done. It's not shocking, it's just entitlement gone awry. 

Oh and T-Dawg, if your only intention was making art, then maybe you could take whatever money you received from these images and donate it to a high school in a low-income district, so they can keep their art program. Then maybe the next generation will have a better appreciation for whatever it is you're doing.

Just a thought. 

Hooker with a Heart of Play-Doh

Ever seen Toddlers and Tiaras? Heard about it? No. Well, good for you. You obviously do productive things with your life. I bet you read and think reality tv is beneath you. Move along now. This blog is not for you.

Okay now that the pretentious douchenozzle is gone, we can get real! Did you hear about the the little girl on Toddlers and Tiaras whose mom dressed her up like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman?"

How adorable is that shit? I just want to shove dollar bills in her thigh-high pleather boots, but then ultimately rescue her from a life of slinging punani on Hollywood Boulevard. I want to take her to a polo match, watch as she retardly tries to eat snails, I want to take her to the opera and walk barefoot in the grass with her. 

But then I want to let her go, because it would never work. I mean, I'm a mediocre barista/blogger and she's a wily toddler of the night. But it would be a mistake. Big mistake, huge!

You see, I could never let her go. She broke my guard down. Made me love her. So, I'll go to her slum-motel with a dozen rosens, and I'll rescue her from that life, and you know what, she'll rescue me right back.

I'm going to go compose myself now. While I'm gone, watch this video.

Goddammit, someone give this little whore the crown.