What am I supposed to Talk About Now? Oh yeah, Facebook!

In case you've been living under a rock, President Barack Obama was re-elected.

And my vagina unclenched for the first time in months.

All the horribleness that is watching a campaign play out was made worthwhile knowing that Mittens McMagicUnderPants would have to go home and cry in his beer glass of warm milk.

Until I got on Facebook, that is.

I always thought my friends were just overdramatic losers without anything resembling an actual life. But in the days following the election, I learned they are also slobbering idiots/bigots.

Good to know, guys!

Here are a few gems I just had to share with you all.

I voted. Where's my money? Love, Moochers

No problemo.

In all fairness, you won't be able to say much when 

you're a Communist.

Dammit, I was wondering where my baby went.

Wait? He's black? I just thought he was Hawaiian. Fuck.

And last, but definitely not least, ME!

The Mayans were obviously huge Romney supporters.

*UPDATE* My Facebook friends are well-mannered and informed compared to the election night social-networkers compiled at Jezebel. Warning: Many of these posts are ridiculously offensive.

Just. Vote.

Vote.

I don't care what party you are registered with, or what you believe about "your vote counting". 

Vote.

It's easy to get caught up in affiliation--in the blue or red of it all--but election day isn't solely about what box you check at the polls. 

It's about exercising a hard-earned right--a right bestowed to you by people who believed it was worth fighting for, worth dying for. They knew the most powerful gift they could leave the generations succeeding them was a voice. 

Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Vote.

Obama Vs. Romney Vs. Big Bird

I'm kind of on a hiatus. Mainly, I'm just busy and would rather spend my off-time watching shitty reality TV than pretending to be literate and witty three times a week.

However, today marks a much-anticipated event here at I'm Not Really a Barista--the first presidential debate.

Which means...

In this corner, weighing in at a brawny 195-pounds--the Mormon Monopoly Man, the whitest thing to come out of Detroit since any Eminem fan--Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney.

And in this corner, weighing in at a lean, mean 170-pounds--that Hawaiian guy who might be a Muslim or a Socialist or in blackface--Barack "I Killed Fucking Bin Laden" Obama.

Now while I'm still on my blogging diet and couldn't be funny if I tried, that doesn't mean that you people can't.

Here are some of my favorite tweets from the #PresidentialDebate.

@BigBirdRomney

@RobDelaney

@natashaleggero

@heyitstva

@ItsHeatherRose

@curlycomedy

@ItsReginaG

Well, I think that was a successful first debate. We've learned that if you drink every time someone says "top-down economics" you'll be dead in 20 minutes. That there's something called "clean coal" which I  assume is coal ran through a dishwasher. That Romneycare and Obamacare are NOT the same thing.

And that Mitt Romney hates Big Bird, probably because he assumes any 6'5 guy wearing yellow feathers wants to get gay married.

Olympic Cycle Political Participants and the Bloggers that Hate Them.

I should probably be talking about politics--what with the RNC last week, the DNC this week, and a presidential election a mere 61 days away—but I just don't have it in me.

As someone who has branded herself a political blogger of sorts, I have a semi-scandalous confession. 

Election season makes me hate politics.

I know I can't be alone. I can hear the exasperated sighs from everyone when, yet another, political ad flashes on the TV screen, when your second cousin, with his eight-grade education, waxes poetically about the president being a Kenyan Muslim who collapsed the economy and the World Trade Center with one swoop of his half-black finger, and when every media outlet forgets their journalistic oath of unbiased coverage and picks a mother-fucking side like this is dodgeball.

It's not a secret, I'm a Democrat. A left-leaning Southern-born feminist, and I could write a goddamn novel about what it's like to have people around me think I'm a moron for my political beliefs. It would go a little something like this.

Now while I'm more than used to being in the political minority, I have a hard time listening to people who are what I like to call “Olympic-Cycle Political Participants”. You know the type, they actively participate in the presidential election, but couldn't tell you the name of their Senators if you put a gun to their head. They also always seem to scream the loudest—probably because they have to make up for all those years being political vegetables.

Now don't be misunderstood, OCPPs exist in both parties. But this is my blog, so I write about my truth-- a truth redder than 1980s Russian Shark Week.

These are the people that make this time particularly hard for me. Because while I'm extremely vocal on my blog about my opinions, I try to be respectful of others beliefs in my real life. I don't often post political messages on my personal social media sites, mainly because I realize the people who disagree with me are not going to be swayed by a snarky meme, just as I would not be if the roles were reversed.

I also am not interested in fighting with unarmed men. This may sound slightly arrogant, but I love politics. I follow it like most people follow professional sports. So I'm not going to argue with some once-every-four-year voter, just as I would not want to argue football with someone who knows what in the fuck a wingback is. (Thank you, boyfriend.)

But while I'm frustrated with the social-media zealots, the political ads and the Rush Limbaugh's of the world, I can't help but still tune it.

Just now, I watched Gabby Giffords lead the Pledge of Alligance at the DNC, and I can't help but feel lucky. Lucky to have a voice. Lucky to care enough to vote, to be an active political participant. Because November will come and go and OCPPs will go back to spamming my Facebook feed with Farmville updates and Nickelback videos, and I can go back to enjoying life.

But until then, I'll remember how grateful I feel right now as I watch this brave woman lead a room full of people who believe in the political process. I'll also remember that I have a deactivate account button. 

See you November 7th , Facebook.

Did You Hear Mitt Romney is ...

It's been a pretty crazy week in politics, what with the Supreme Court upholding President Obama's health care overhaul.


Did you know that under Obamacare it's totally legal to shoot anyone over the age of 65 who has the sniffles for more than 2 days? 


Me either! But Twitter told me. And my relatives on Facebook. 


If you live under a rock, or in a blue state, people are pissed about the SCOTUS ruling. I think Dave Rubin said it best on Twitter.

 

Seems crazy, huh? 

But if you ask anyone against healthcare reform they will give you a laundry list of reasons (many which are batshit crazy) why Obamacare roughly equals Armageddon.

But that's where the Right has always had the Left beat. The crazy coalition.

Righties get together and the crazy spreads like wildfire. Then the crazy gets a bullhorn and screams at the top of its lungs. And then the crazy starts rubbing off on normal people, and I have to hear people say things like.

"Did you hear Obama is going to take away our guns?"

"Did you hear Obama said he's a Muslim."

"Did you hear Obama is a socialist. He's also a fascist.

 No, I don't know what either of those mean, necessarily."

And then I start to cry. Because I realize that the Right is on to something. They out-crazy the Left EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. 

And the president has to do things like show his birth certificate. Because the bullshit grows legs and wanders out of the trailer parks and into the real world.

Well, I think it's time Democrats step up the crazy. And what a perfect time, because I've heard some pretty messed-up stuff about Mitt Romney lately, and I think I should share it with you guys!

Did you hear that Mitt Romney plans on

 selling the U.S. to China? 

Did you hear Mitt Romney is going to outlaw lingerie, 

and we're all going to have to wear Mormon underwear?

Did you hear Mitt Romney doesn't own a gun and 

drives a Prius?

Did you hear Mitt Romney was born in Mexico? He's going

to open the borders to his drug cartel friends!

Did you hear that Mitt Romney thinks Godfather 3 was

the best of the saga?

Did you hear Mitt Romney is going to outlaw Nascar 

and college football?

Did you hear Mitt Romney is from Detroit, and Kid Rock is a supporter?(Oh wait, that one's real. I guess some shit you just can't make up.)

Is there anything YOU'VE HEARD about Mitt Romney?

Surprise Time! A Country Singer Doesn't like Obama

I guess Hank Williams Jr. went on Fox & Friends yesterday morning to compare President Obama to Hitler or Tiger Woods or something. Take a look.

Question. Why are we asking this dude his opinion about politics. He looks like the fucking shoe bomber and is wearing sunglasses indoors. This should automatically disqualify you from talking about anything other than the best way to beat your common-law wife. 

This is ridiculous even for you, Fox & Friends. What's next? Are we going to ask Taylor Swift for an exit strategy for Afghanistan? Willy Nelson about the legalization of marijuana? Well, that one actually makes sense.

Listen F&F, I understand that reputable political commentators avoid FNC like the receiving end of Marcus Bachmann's gloryhole, but that doesn't mean you should ask any random white person what they think about the 2012 GOP-nominees. That's not responsible journalism. Not even for you guys. 

Oh, and Hank, Hitler was a fascist. Look that word up and get back with me.

Then, Urban Dictionary the word douchecanoe.