TLC Presents: More Spastic 35-Year-Old Virgins.

TLC's train wreck, better known as The Virgin Diaries, is back and ready for action. Unless that action involves anything past first base, then it will be back and ready for a cold shower and a Harry Potter marathon!

Season 2 of the show that made us all feel a little bit better about ourselves, premieres tonight. But before diving into the new crop of hymenally-sealed misfits, lets take a little trip down memory lane.

Butterfly kiss? Stroke? The world may never know.

To be fair, this is her first kiss that didn't involve
peanut butter and a labrador.

Then he unhinged his jaw and devoured
her whole.

Beautiful, isn't it? You're going to have to do a lot to top that, TLC.

Wait, there's a 34-year-old Mormon who lives in his parents' basement, shaves his chest hair into a heart, and collects belly button lint.

I'm listening...

If that man hasn't killed at least one vagrant, I'll take his virginity. 

Oh TLC, what have you done? You're supposed to be The Learning Channel. The only thing I learned from this is that I wouldn't want to meet Skippy in a dark alley. 

At least your first bunch of weirdos were likable. That guy is just sad. And terrifying. TLC, please make sure you don't leave any of the little girls from Toddlers and Tiaras unattended with him. 

Oh who am I kidding, those girls would never fuck him. 

If there's any silver lining here, it's that this creepy Mormon definitely botched Mitt Romney's presidential run. So for that, Skippy, I thank you. Not enough to come anywhere near you, but I'm thankful nonetheless.

Anyway, season 2 of The Virgin Diaries is on TLC at 10 p.m. EST. I'll be watching and tweeting.

The Last 50 Shades of Grey Post I Will Ever Write. Maybe.

I've made it clear that I'm not reading 50 Shades of Grey.

Mainly, because I have a 12-year-old copy of Anna Karenina collecting dust on my bookshelf, and I can't bring myself to read that over-hyped vibrator manual, when I have real books going unread.

But there is another reason.

As an unqualified sexual advisor, it is my job to keep an open mind about human sexuality. Kinks included. Which is why 50 Shades of Grey really pissed me off.

The more I heard about this book, the more I learned that Christian Grey was not some normal 26-year-old billionaire with a penchant for kinky sex.  He was a fucked up guy who liked BDSM, because he was fucked up. And after conquering his demons stopped wanting that type of sex.

This is a problem. Someone unfamiliar with BDSM (which is basically everyone magic-wanding themselves to that book) could naturally assume that fetishes are something that can be fixed. That the person who enjoys non-traditional sex is broken in some way.

Now one could ask why a little bit of kink-negativity matters. It's not something like sexuality that can't be hidden. For the most part, you could know someone your entire life and never learn that they go home and strap on a ball-gag.

But at a time when basically every form of sexuality is under attack, having something like 50 Shades can provide rhetoric for the "sex-for-babies-only" crowd.

For example, I stumbled upon a blog that begins much like mine, with the author, Dannah Gresh, valiantly pronouncing that she will not be reading 50 Shades of Grey. However, her reasoning is a little different than my own.

• Erotica is sinful.
• Lust is harmful.
• Women don't like when guys view porn.
• BDSM is super-duper yucky. 

The post is full of broad generalizations about female sexuality. Women don't enjoy pornography or men that view pornography. BDSM is something evil that women are being forced to accept. 

The following statement is my personal favorite:

It’s not just that this book misuses sex, it redefines it into something evil as the lead character dominates in a hurtful manner. How woman can enjoy that, I can’t understand!

 But I do have a theory. It seems to me that in our emasculating culture

 there is a hunger so great for strong men that women will stoop to

 bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism for just a taste. 

Do yourself a favor, don’t!

Well, thanks for that trip back into 1950s America!  

What Gresh fails to acknowledge is that BDSM, or any other kink for that matter, is not a misuse of sex. It is sex. 

Sex does not always look the same in every relationship, but as long as the parties involved are consenting and safe, they should not be shamed for their desires. 

As I read the post, I couldn't help but wonder would Gresh have a problem with BDSM if it took part in the realm of marriage. If a monogamous husband and wife engaged in a little bondage, would that be okay? What if the wife was the one in charge of the leash, is that still icky? 

If so, wouldn't her distaste have nothing to do with the sanctity of marital relations, and more to do with the fact that kinky sex bothers her personally. 

I'm going to assume that it's the latter, especially since her theory that BDSM was spawned from the emasculation of men is ridiculous. The origins of BDSM can be traced back to the ninth century, a time when queering gender was far from anyone's concern. 

Finally, just as rape-play is not actually rape, BDSM is not a form of brutal violence meant to do actual physical harm.

If it is, you're doing it wrong, Dannah.

Bristol Palin Tells Me Life is a Tripp. However She Named He Kid Tripp so I Don't Trust Her Judgement.

Lifetime, the network responsible for every movie that features a battered woman murdering her husband with a pickaxe, is at it again.

Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp premiered a week ago on the network. In the name of research, I spent an hour watching the previously-aired episodes, and oh man is it good. 

No. Definitely not good in the traditional sense of the word. Good for someone who blogs about horrible reality TV shows. It's good for me.

The premise of the show is unclear, which I think is intentional. The viewer is confused and therefore more susceptible to be preyed upon.

Is this show about her moving to LA? Why is she moving? Where exactly is Wasilla? Why did she name her kid Tripp? What's happening with her chin? Fuck it, I'm already 20 minutes in I guess I'll finish watching.


But from what I could tell, Bristol, Baby Tripp, and her sister Willow (who will inevitably be cast on The Bad Girl's Club) decide to move from Wasilla to Los Angeles.

 Her reasoning: "I'm moving to LA to show Tripp another part of the world."

Actually, Bristol, that is only showing Tripp another part of America. Good effort, though.


Bristol's mom, Sarah Palin (maybe you've heard of her) is very supportive of her girls making the trek to Hollywood. She can be seen in several scenes sounding like an Alaskan Larry the Cable Guy and  spouting clichés about life being an adventure.


A quick aside: This woman named her boys Track and Trigg. I assume her idea of an adventure is getting the shit beat out of you in middle school.


With all the necessary support and still no valid reasoning, the Palin girls head off to sunny California. At first everything is great, they see the awesome mansion they'll be living in. Bristol heads to the super-cool charity she'll be working at that, like, feeds kids or something. Then she visits Skid Row and sees some black people for the first time. All in all, California is pretty swell.

But drama begins when Bristol and a couple friends visiting from Alaska get into an altercation at dinner with some gentlemen who probably don't own Palin 2016 bumper stickers.

Man at Bar (to Bristol who is riding a mechanical bull): Did you ride

 Levi like that? Your mother's a whore. She's fucking Satan.

Bristol: Why is my mother Satan? Is it because your a homosexual?

As you can imagine, shit got real. Bristol ending up sobbing after receiving a verbal bitch slap from a couple of homosexuals. But to be honest, Bristol should have known that the homosexuals are a very sassy bunch.

After that, California wasn't so fun.

Bristol (on the phone after the fight): I have a ton of cameras

and paparazzi on me. This is not fair. This is not fun.

Umm, Bristol, those cameras are from your reality show. You know the one about life being a trip(p)? And fair? Do you remember visiting Skid Row? You're going to need to stop speaking.

Some other stuff happened, like her bitchy sister moving back to Wasilla and her kid filing for a legal name change, but I lost interest in the show once she stopped hysterically crying. 

Overall, Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp is like a shittier version of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  Except, Kim Kardashian had the decency to bang a mediocre rapper on camera before showing up on my TV and calling herself a star.

You're move, Bristol.