Shocker: Sydney Leathers Does Porn [NSFW]

Here I was feeling all bad about it being two years since I graduated from college and, lo and behold, Sydney Leathers does porn to make me feel better about myself.

Good looking out, girl!

If you don't know who Sydney Leathers is then you probably have a life and haven't been entirely consumed with the Anthony Weiner "I like to wag my dick at co-eds" scandal.

Let me catch you up: Leathers is the 23-year-old political science student, who engaged in a six-month online affair with the NYC mayoral candidate. Leathers then took the 15-minutes of fame that Carlos Danger's junk afforded her and spun it into a sex tape.

The video produced by Vivid Entertainment, responsible for nearly every pseudo-celeb sex tape out there, does not contain any actual sex. Leathers is shown posing nude and pleasuring herself.

And who can blame her after all that hot Anthony Weiner action? Homegirl probably has a lot to sexual tension built up.

So, good for you, Sydney. I'm sure this won't end badly at all.

Warning: If you don't want to see a young woman do things with an American flag that she will regret for the rest of her life, turn away now.

I'm nearly certain this is what Betsy Ross had in mind for the flag.

Olympic Cycle Political Participants and the Bloggers that Hate Them.

I should probably be talking about politics--what with the RNC last week, the DNC this week, and a presidential election a mere 61 days away—but I just don't have it in me.

As someone who has branded herself a political blogger of sorts, I have a semi-scandalous confession. 

Election season makes me hate politics.

I know I can't be alone. I can hear the exasperated sighs from everyone when, yet another, political ad flashes on the TV screen, when your second cousin, with his eight-grade education, waxes poetically about the president being a Kenyan Muslim who collapsed the economy and the World Trade Center with one swoop of his half-black finger, and when every media outlet forgets their journalistic oath of unbiased coverage and picks a mother-fucking side like this is dodgeball.

It's not a secret, I'm a Democrat. A left-leaning Southern-born feminist, and I could write a goddamn novel about what it's like to have people around me think I'm a moron for my political beliefs. It would go a little something like this.

Now while I'm more than used to being in the political minority, I have a hard time listening to people who are what I like to call “Olympic-Cycle Political Participants”. You know the type, they actively participate in the presidential election, but couldn't tell you the name of their Senators if you put a gun to their head. They also always seem to scream the loudest—probably because they have to make up for all those years being political vegetables.

Now don't be misunderstood, OCPPs exist in both parties. But this is my blog, so I write about my truth-- a truth redder than 1980s Russian Shark Week.

These are the people that make this time particularly hard for me. Because while I'm extremely vocal on my blog about my opinions, I try to be respectful of others beliefs in my real life. I don't often post political messages on my personal social media sites, mainly because I realize the people who disagree with me are not going to be swayed by a snarky meme, just as I would not be if the roles were reversed.

I also am not interested in fighting with unarmed men. This may sound slightly arrogant, but I love politics. I follow it like most people follow professional sports. So I'm not going to argue with some once-every-four-year voter, just as I would not want to argue football with someone who knows what in the fuck a wingback is. (Thank you, boyfriend.)

But while I'm frustrated with the social-media zealots, the political ads and the Rush Limbaugh's of the world, I can't help but still tune it.

Just now, I watched Gabby Giffords lead the Pledge of Alligance at the DNC, and I can't help but feel lucky. Lucky to have a voice. Lucky to care enough to vote, to be an active political participant. Because November will come and go and OCPPs will go back to spamming my Facebook feed with Farmville updates and Nickelback videos, and I can go back to enjoying life.

But until then, I'll remember how grateful I feel right now as I watch this brave woman lead a room full of people who believe in the political process. I'll also remember that I have a deactivate account button. 

See you November 7th , Facebook.

RNC and the Five Stages of Grief

As many of you know, we're elbow deep into the Republican National Convention. Obviously my prayers for Hurricane Isaac to blow through Tampa like Marcus Bachmann during fleet week went unanswered.

Oh well, you can't win 'em all.

If anything positive has come from the old, rich, white guy Olympics, better known as the RNC, it's that we finally have a confirmed Republican presidential nominee.

Yep, Mittens McMagic Underpants will try to convince enough people that he is likable. And Paul Ryan will continue to spit on rape victims while polishing his dead eyes.

It really is an exciting time for everyone.

Except me.

I've tried, guys, really I have, but my pain threshold just isn't what it used to be. Every time I try to watch coverage, I end up going through the five stages of grief.

DENIAL: This cannot be happening to me.

ANGER: Yes, Ann, he's totally a self-made man, you fucking twat-waffle!!

BARGAINING: Herman Cain wasn't that bad. Can we get him back? I swear to turn in my frequent aborter card. 

DEPRESSION: I give up. I don't need equality. I just need to lie in bed for awhile and eat this pint of Ben and Jerry's.

ACCEPTANCE: I can accept this! I can accept this! Trickle-down economics? Are you fucking kidding me?!

And then the cycle starts all over.

Hopefully, you guys are enjoying the RNC coverage more than me. Let me know if there's any good drinking games helping you get through this trying time.

I'm going to go watch Pretty Woman now and try to remember a simpler time when venture capitalists looked like Richard Gere and romanced hookers, instead of attempting to hold office.

Will Marco Rubio's Perfectly Coifed Hair Win Him the VP Ticket?

There is so much stupid in the news today that I have no clue where to even begin.

Eeny. Meeny. Miney. Mormon.

Okay, I guess we'll start with the most dry-humpable former Mormon: Marco Rubio. 

Have you heard of him? Yeah, I assumed so. The Republican Party hasn't been this excited since the advent of Grindr.

I mean look at him. He's beautiful. He's young. He's charismatic. He's like a Cuban Barack Obama, without all that tolerance nonsense. And Mitt Romney is ready to make him his VP.

"Marco Rubio is being thoroughly vetted as

part of our process." -Mitt Romney 

I  can only assume this means Romney is going to give Rubio his letterman jacket and ask him to go steady.

Hungry Eyes.

To be honest, I'm a little nervous about this possible pairing. 


Rubio is a Jr. Senator from my state and has a pretty nasty track record when it comes to women's rights (Rubio wrote the bill that would give employers the right to deny contraceptive care based on moral objection.) That type of far-right crazy mixed with whatever "it" factor he has, might actually win Romney some votes. 

Here's hoping there are pictures of him dressed as Lady Gaga out there somewhere. 

Moving on.

Samuel Wurzelbacher is in the news, or Joe the Plumber as he's better known.


Wurzelbacher is running for the Ohio House.


Oh, and he thinks the Holocaust wouldn't have happened if only the Jews had access to assault rifles. 

Yep. He loves America. And guns!

Finally, my state's governor, Rick Scott is making headlines.

Why you ask?

Oh, he's just getting Florida sued.

The Lawsuit filed Tuesday claims that the governor is in violation of the Voting Rights Act because of his attempt to purge suspected non-citizens from Florida's voting rolls.

Of the 2,700 Floridians on the "purge list" 82 percent were people of color.

This comes on the heels of other moves, such as cutting early voter hours and voter registration drives, that critics suggest are aimed at lowering minority and student participation in the presidential election.

Nice one, Ricky.

Where are the Zombies when we need them, Florida?

Make the Right Decision, North Carolina

If you've been paying attention to any news outlet or Twitter or your nutty Southern Baptist relatives on Facebook, then you're probably aware that the people of North Carolina will be voting on Amendment One today.

Amendment One is the controversial, and slightly confusing, bill that would define marriage as a union between one man and one woman. This measure would outlaw civil unions, domestic partnerships, and while gay marriage is already illegal in North Carolina, it would add the ban to the state constitution.

The all-encompassing legislation seems to have a healthy share of supporters, which is surprising considering that the South is usually the beacon of acceptance and forward thinking.

Basically, a bunch of Bible-thumping hicks think that this bill is the cat's pajamas, because they like to cherry-pick phrases from the good book that backs up their bigotry. 

Like Pastor Ron Baity, who says that homosexuals should be prosecuted for their "perverted lifestyle".

Really, asshole? Really?

But for all of the horrible people who hate homosexuals, because they undoubtedly want a dick in the mouth, there are a slew of progressive North Carolinians who think that the protections of marriage should be allotted to everyone.

For any of my readers in North Carolina, please do the right thing and vote NO on Amendment One, because every American is entitled to the privileges that a legal marriage provides.

Pour Out a Little Liquor: Gingrich Edition

Last week, Ol' Big Noggin Gingrich teased the American public with a promise that he would end this ridiculous joke, also know as, his run for the presidency.

My first reaction to the news of his suspension was, "Wait! How the fuck am I going to get my $2.50/gallon gas?

Dammit. I guess that means I'm back to siphoning it out of cars in the Walmart parking lot.

But then I remembered that the promise to cut gas prices was coming from a bloated, delusional megalomaniac, who has a better chance of riding a magical unicorn to Neverland than landing in the Oval Office.

Then I just wanted to know why this asshole was sending out "save the dates" instead of just pulling the plug on his ailing spouse... err, I mean campaign.

To answer that question, many news outlets are reporting that Gingrich wanted to treat his last week on the campaign trail as a sort of "farewell tour." Shaking hands, throwing out the first pitch at baseball games, going to fairs and having carnies guess the weight of his head. You know, fun stuff.

But all good things must come to an end, and today Gingrich released a video letting his supporters-- and those of us that are sane-- know that he will officially drop out of the race Wednesday.

It's the end of an era, guys. A really stupid era.

Newt Gingrich is a Democrat

This shit is confusing.

I don't know if any of you have heard, but Newt "Reagan Fetish" Gingrich won the South Carolina Primary upsetting Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney by 13 points.

This proves once and for all that the South is a land rooted in traditional family values. A place that upholds the sanctity of marriage and will not stand idly by while someone tries to make a mockery of this holy union.

Wait.

Hey South Carolina, did you hear that Newt Gingrich has fucked up so many sick women's lives that Susan G. Koman is thinking about naming a three-day walk-a-thon after him?

No.

Well, I know you had to hear that the day of the debate, his second wife, you know, the one he left after she was diagnosed with MS (not to be confused with the first wife he left while she had cancer) came out in the media saying that Mr. Gingrich propositioned her for an open marriage.

Cue shock, South Carolinians. 

Yep, Mr. Reagan-Republican himself asked his then-wife if she wouldn't mind sharing all of his big-headed lovin' with his congressional-aid/mistress, you know, the one he had been banging for the prior six years.

She of course said no, probably because she was eager to get out from under the weight of his humongous head. She also decided to give a tell-all interview in hopes to show what kind of man ol' Newt is.

Which is a philandering, adulterous, sexual deviant, who has made it a mission to devalue every one of his marriages by having tawdry affairs with other women.

This proves, once and for all, that Newt Gingrich is a Democrat. 

Because Republicans don't have extra-marital affairs. With Women.

Republicans have affairs with dudes they meet on Craigslist.

I'm looking at you, Mr. Santorum. 

The Only Thing Satisfying about Herman Cain is His Pizza

By now we're all aware that Herman Cain and his penis are out of the presidential race, and they can go back to changing the world one pizza at a time.

Now normally, I love any opportunity to mock GOP candidates when they do dumbass things that cost them their careers. It's my passion, really. But Mr. Cain has had a rough couple of weeks. I mean, he's had multiple women come forward to talk about sexual impropriety on the part of the former presidential hopeful, he's had to deal with telling his wife that he was paying another bitch's rent for 13 years, and now that other woman has given an interview explaining that Mr. Cain was lousy in bed.

Ginger White, the woman who Mr. Cain shared an extramarital "friendship" with talked to the Daily Beast about how she wasn't always in the moment while she had sex with him.

 "One time we were having sex, and I was looking up at the ceiling, thinking about 'What am I going to buy at the grocery store tomorrow? What am I going to do with my kids tomorrow?'"

-Ginger White, The Daily Beast

Wow... She's thinking about her kids while you're banging her, bro?  You know, Obama can make a bitch scream just by saying her name slow.

So while I want to have a little song and dance party, I won't. Because having some random woman, with a name that set her up to be either a stripper or on Gilligan's Island, says you suck in the sack, you need some sympathy.

Go on, Herman. I'll let this one slide. But you better believe that when Rick Santorum drops out of the race because he was caught giving Marcus Bachmann a rimjob, it's going to be a bloodbath! 

True Love Waits. Blue Balls? Not so Much.

It's Thursday, and you know what that means.

Let's talk about sex, baby.

Okay, I'm sorry for that. I will never use early '90s hip-hop lyrics in reference to a blog topic again. That was wrong of me.

Anywho, since obviously people are not fucked up enough to write into I'm Not Really a Barista, I've decided to share some opinions on sex education. If you have been paying attention to the news or Twitter, you are probably aware that the topic of sex education has been in the media a lot.

Like in Wisconsin. Oh Wisconsin.

Recently, legislation has passed the state Senate that will require public schools to stress abstinence education. This would make Wisconsin the 27^th U.S. State that is pushing abstinence until marriage in place of sex education.

Really, 27 states? More than half of the country is encouraging horny high-schoolers to keep it in their pants until marriage, and this is supposed to end well.

I remember being given abstinence-only education in high school. I remember the 14-year-old girls sporting purity rings after signing a pledge to keep themselves pure until their wedding night. I remember bracelets emblazoned with the words “True Love Waits.” Then I remember the next year when about 10 of those same girls got knocked-up. I guess, purity is really overrated when you're dry-humping in the back of a Ford Focus.

I hope that this legislation doesn't pass in Wisconsin, because at least it was warm where I lived, so I can only imagine how much boning these purity-stricken teens will do in the dead of winter.

But on a positive note, at least MTV will have new candidates for “16 and Pregnant.” Because true love might wait, but raging erections tend to be rather impatient.

Surprise Time! A Country Singer Doesn't like Obama

I guess Hank Williams Jr. went on Fox & Friends yesterday morning to compare President Obama to Hitler or Tiger Woods or something. Take a look.

Question. Why are we asking this dude his opinion about politics. He looks like the fucking shoe bomber and is wearing sunglasses indoors. This should automatically disqualify you from talking about anything other than the best way to beat your common-law wife. 

This is ridiculous even for you, Fox & Friends. What's next? Are we going to ask Taylor Swift for an exit strategy for Afghanistan? Willy Nelson about the legalization of marijuana? Well, that one actually makes sense.

Listen F&F, I understand that reputable political commentators avoid FNC like the receiving end of Marcus Bachmann's gloryhole, but that doesn't mean you should ask any random white person what they think about the 2012 GOP-nominees. That's not responsible journalism. Not even for you guys. 

Oh, and Hank, Hitler was a fascist. Look that word up and get back with me.

Then, Urban Dictionary the word douchecanoe.

I Love a Jihad Against Rick Santorum

Jihad means holy war? I thought it
meant sweaty, anal sex party. Nevermind.

Recently, uber-douchebag, bigot, and presidential-hopeful Rick Santorum said that the LGBT community has "gone out on a jihad" against him. Santorum believes that because Dan Savage and his readers have made his name synonymous with a by-product of anal sex, the gay community has gone all holy war on him.

Sure, Santorum compared homosexuality to bestiality and gay marriage to a napkin, but what's the big deal. Napkins are useful and my dog just got anally finger-banged by his groomer. Chill out.

So, I'm here to tell Mr. Santorum that I'm behind him 100 percent ... with a strap-on and a bottle of Astroglide ready to create a frothy, frothy mix.

Santorum 2012. Fuck yeah.

Have You Lost Weight, Roberto Arango?

Puerto Rican Senator Roberto Arango has been working on his fitness. And as anyone who has ever been on the winning side of a diet knows, sometimes you feel the need to take photographic proof of your weight loss.

And then sometimes while posing yourself for these pictures, you wind up on all fours on a bed taking a cellphone photo of your asshole in a mirror. And then sometimes you end up posting that photo on Grindr, an app meant to help gay men find other men in their vicinity.

Now hold your horses, Roberto Arango is not a homosexual. In fact, Mr. Arango is a Republican who opposes gay rights and gay marriage.

To make sure that people realized that he's not gay, just a proud dieter, he released this statement:

"You know I've been losing weight. As I shed that weight, I've been taking pictures. I don't remember taking this particular picture but I'm not gonna say I didn't take it. I'd tell you if I remembered taking the picture but I don't."

So you see, this is all just a big misunderstanding. Roberto Arango was not trying to tantalize potential suitors by flashing his tuchus like a cat in heat, he was just trying to document his weight loss. Whew... what a relief!

Looking good, Roberto, looking good.