People Found this Blog While Searching for Channing Tatum's Junk.

This is how people found my blog the other day.

Search engines brought people who made the decision to look for Magic Mike's penis on the internet. People who fetishize girls who make their lattes (I promise you it's not sexy. Move along.) People who want to find a fuck buddy who will be their big spoon.

And Google decided I was the gal for the job. Should that make me happy or sad?

Sometimes I feel like I'm peddling smut. But for all of my writing about blowjobs and handjobs and footjobs (and other -jobs that haven't been discovered yet), I can't help but think 'shouldn't I be richer'.

I've been led to believe that pornography, and all of it's brown-bag cohorts, make the people purveying it a pretty decent salary. But I just had to defer my student loans again, and I currently have a case of off-brand ramen in my pantry? I guess I'm doing this whole internet porn thing wrong.

People are obviously pissed once they get here and there's no hot barista-on-barista action, and Channing Tatum's dick is no where to be found (but if you find it let a girl know, oookay?!).

But if I'm being honest, I'd make an excellent pornographer. I had a horrible childhood. I want to make obscene amounts of money without doing all that much. And I know at least 46 euphemisms for ejaculate.

So it looks like I've got a new game plan, guys!

Now I'm off to get pictures of Channing Tatum's junk. But first, do any of y'all know how strict the trespassing laws in California are?

Shocker: Sydney Leathers Does Porn [NSFW]

Here I was feeling all bad about it being two years since I graduated from college and, lo and behold, Sydney Leathers does porn to make me feel better about myself.

Good looking out, girl!

If you don't know who Sydney Leathers is then you probably have a life and haven't been entirely consumed with the Anthony Weiner "I like to wag my dick at co-eds" scandal.

Let me catch you up: Leathers is the 23-year-old political science student, who engaged in a six-month online affair with the NYC mayoral candidate. Leathers then took the 15-minutes of fame that Carlos Danger's junk afforded her and spun it into a sex tape.

The video produced by Vivid Entertainment, responsible for nearly every pseudo-celeb sex tape out there, does not contain any actual sex. Leathers is shown posing nude and pleasuring herself.

And who can blame her after all that hot Anthony Weiner action? Homegirl probably has a lot to sexual tension built up.

So, good for you, Sydney. I'm sure this won't end badly at all.

Warning: If you don't want to see a young woman do things with an American flag that she will regret for the rest of her life, turn away now.

I'm nearly certain this is what Betsy Ross had in mind for the flag.

An Open Letter to Rush Limbaugh

Dear Mr. Limbaugh,

I want to start this off by letting you know that I'm a huge fan. Huge. I mean, any guy who can shove that much Oxycontin down his throat without accidentally killing himself is obviously a man of mental and physical fortitude.

Bravo, good friend, bravo.

But moving on, the main reason I'm writing to you is because I have heard that you have gotten yourself into a little bit of hot water with the left. Yesterday on your radio show you elaborated on your opinion about Sandra Fluke, the young Georgetown law student who testified to the House about contraception. You know, the one you called a slut.

You said: "So Miss Fluke, and the rest of you Feminazis, here's the deal! If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex. We want something for it. We want you to post videos online so we can all watch."

Zing!!! You really showed the soon-to-be lawyer/penis-gobbler who's boss, Rushy! It's about time these contraceptive-using whores start paying to play. I've never been more on your side than now!

I mean, employers covering contraception is exactly the same thing as having taxpayers paying a woman for sex. Why don't these sex-addicted broads who don't want kids just have multiple abortions.

No, silly goose, not legal abortions, back-alley abortions, which is basically just a metal hanger and some alcohol swabs. That will show those skanks that their vaginas are strictly for spitting out babies--nine months after their husbands deflower them on their wedding night, of course.

But you and I both know that there will still be women who have nothing better to do than throw their tantalizing axe-wounds around on the government dime, and the only way they will learn that nothing is for free, is to take part in your "Porn for the Pill" program. (Hope you don't mind, but I decided to give your initiative a spiffy name.)

Using yesterday's outline, any woman who has ever thought about using contraception --ever-- will have to upload video of any sexual act they take part in to the internet in order to earn her birth control. But I was thinking, what if these women of loose morals send their videos DIRECTLY TO YOU?!

Genius, I know.

So, I am going to encourage all of the sexually-active women who read this to send their amateur porn to Mr. Limbaugh's email address, which you can find HERE!

If you don't have any of your own porn, feel free to send whatever porn you can find.

And remember, Mr. Limbaugh has spent a little time in jail, so don't be afraid to send him the weird stuff.

Watersports. Chicks with Dicks. Bestiality. Scat. Anything you've ever seen while on a trip to Tijuana, send to our man Rush.

Oh, and Mr. Limbaugh, don't worry, I won't rest until you are elbow deep in porn featuring people shitting on glass tables.

It's the only way us sluts will ever learn.


Love you bunches,

Allie