There's Santorum on this Christmas Candle!

Just in time for the holidays, everyone's favorite google search result is back and bigoted as ever!

Rick Santorum has been making the rounds, plugging his likely horrible project called "The Christmas Candle," which surprisingly enough is not a line of holiday-inspired sex toys. Bummer, right?!

For those of you who may be new to this dumb, little blog, during last year's election I wrote quite a bit about our homophobic, sweatervest-loving, frothy friend.

I'll sum it up for you--fuck him.

Anyway, Frothy McSweatervest is now the head of a religious movie studio and was a guest on The Colbert Report promoting his new film--hilarity and hatred ensued.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Video Archive

While watching Stephen Colbert troll Rick Santorum is easily the greatest gift of all, I can't get over the fact that this asshole is considering running for office in 2016.

Ricky, do us all a favor, keep making your family-oriented films and quit trying to run the country. You're not going to do either one very well, but at least with the former, I'll be able to keep my birth control.

On another note, for my readers interested in having some super gay sex in a movie theatre, The Christmas Candle will be out in select theaters this Friday.

Super Tuesday. Super Sick. Dammit.

It's Super Tuesday, which for a blogger than mainly talks about politics and blowjobs is like the Superbowl.

But I'm sick.

I'm assuming I caught a bit of the sniffles this weekend while I was down on the farm capturing a little man-on-goat love to send to my good pal Rush Limbaugh. Anything for puffy-faced, drug-addicted friend.

However, I do wish I wasn't about to fall into a Nyquil-induced coma so I could watch the results come in, but I have a feeling it's going to go a little something like this tonight.

Ron Paul: 0 wins. Counts the collective gold coins he keeps under his mattress.

Newt Gingrich: 1 win. Congratulates himself on an incredible victory, then prays to Reagan.

Rick Santorum: 3 wins. Googles himself repeatedly and ultimately masturbates to the definition.

Mitt Romney: 6 wins: Launders his magic underoos, then practices his "I don't hate poor people" smile in the mirror.

Happy Super Tuesday!

Santorum: A Frothy Failure in Michigan

Anyone ever give themselves a concussion?

No? Just me. Alright, well I feel like a real asshole right now.

So I've been MIA lately after my night stand went all Chris Brown on me. I wanted to figure out a way to literally blame it on Chris Brown, but I hear he's fist deep in his own problems.

Speaking of problems, I'm back just in time to watch Mitt "magic underoos" Romney fuck up Rick "frothy mix" Santorum's life, and while nothing is official at this time, it seems like Romney will take Michigan.

Now, I don't like Romney, but my hatred for Santorum is so deep it cannot be fully expressed without a machete and some type of interpretive dance. So basically, any loss for him is a direct win for me.

I'm hoping the string of disappointments will send him spiraling into the arms of some man he met on Craigslist.

One can only hope that man has an exhibitionist streak, a videocamera and is Chris Brown.

Newt Gingrich is a Democrat

This shit is confusing.

I don't know if any of you have heard, but Newt "Reagan Fetish" Gingrich won the South Carolina Primary upsetting Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney by 13 points.

This proves once and for all that the South is a land rooted in traditional family values. A place that upholds the sanctity of marriage and will not stand idly by while someone tries to make a mockery of this holy union.

Wait.

Hey South Carolina, did you hear that Newt Gingrich has fucked up so many sick women's lives that Susan G. Koman is thinking about naming a three-day walk-a-thon after him?

No.

Well, I know you had to hear that the day of the debate, his second wife, you know, the one he left after she was diagnosed with MS (not to be confused with the first wife he left while she had cancer) came out in the media saying that Mr. Gingrich propositioned her for an open marriage.

Cue shock, South Carolinians. 

Yep, Mr. Reagan-Republican himself asked his then-wife if she wouldn't mind sharing all of his big-headed lovin' with his congressional-aid/mistress, you know, the one he had been banging for the prior six years.

She of course said no, probably because she was eager to get out from under the weight of his humongous head. She also decided to give a tell-all interview in hopes to show what kind of man ol' Newt is.

Which is a philandering, adulterous, sexual deviant, who has made it a mission to devalue every one of his marriages by having tawdry affairs with other women.

This proves, once and for all, that Newt Gingrich is a Democrat. 

Because Republicans don't have extra-marital affairs. With Women.

Republicans have affairs with dudes they meet on Craigslist.

I'm looking at you, Mr. Santorum. 

Romney Takes New Hampshire and No one is Surprised.

graphic from CNN.com

Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Holy shit! Is everyone as thoroughly not surprised as I am? I mean, what's not to love about about that sexy, salt-and-pepper bastard, besides his horrible politics, of course.

But that's not the point. Romney won. No one is shocked. Ron Paul came in second, mainly because he reminds everyone of their kooky grandpa who wants to legalize heroin. But what I'm really excited about is that my favorite, evangelical bigot came in next to last.

Yep, Rick Santorum was all smug from his second-place finish in Iowa. He had that shit-eating grin on his face, like he just jacked-off on a gay, illegal immigrant. But now he is last only to Rick Perry, and Perry is still trying to figure out where "Old Hampshire" is, so it's really not saying much.

Now, I know what you might be saying, "Allie, New Hampshire is a more moderate-voting state, Santorum might come back in South Carolina" and to that I say, "Fuck off, let me have this!"

Listen, I hate Rick Santorum. It is an intense, fiery hatred. The fact that he is still in this race makes me more angry than a tea-party member at an interracial wedding. So any defeat, no matter how expected makes me feel better. And while I know that there's not really a chance in hell that he will win this nomination, and my disdain may be better suited towards one of the more eligible candidates. I just can't help it. Until he is out of this race, I will continue to focus on Mr. Google Problem.

So suck it, Santorum. No matter how many primaries you place in, you're top billing will always be "the dude who's name when googled means 'the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.'"

Now enjoy this video from the Colbert Report about Santorum's racist slip of the tongue.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive