Shocker: Sydney Leathers Does Porn [NSFW]

Here I was feeling all bad about it being two years since I graduated from college and, lo and behold, Sydney Leathers does porn to make me feel better about myself.

Good looking out, girl!

If you don't know who Sydney Leathers is then you probably have a life and haven't been entirely consumed with the Anthony Weiner "I like to wag my dick at co-eds" scandal.

Let me catch you up: Leathers is the 23-year-old political science student, who engaged in a six-month online affair with the NYC mayoral candidate. Leathers then took the 15-minutes of fame that Carlos Danger's junk afforded her and spun it into a sex tape.

The video produced by Vivid Entertainment, responsible for nearly every pseudo-celeb sex tape out there, does not contain any actual sex. Leathers is shown posing nude and pleasuring herself.

And who can blame her after all that hot Anthony Weiner action? Homegirl probably has a lot to sexual tension built up.

So, good for you, Sydney. I'm sure this won't end badly at all.

Warning: If you don't want to see a young woman do things with an American flag that she will regret for the rest of her life, turn away now.

I'm nearly certain this is what Betsy Ross had in mind for the flag.

The Only Thing Satisfying about Herman Cain is His Pizza

By now we're all aware that Herman Cain and his penis are out of the presidential race, and they can go back to changing the world one pizza at a time.

Now normally, I love any opportunity to mock GOP candidates when they do dumbass things that cost them their careers. It's my passion, really. But Mr. Cain has had a rough couple of weeks. I mean, he's had multiple women come forward to talk about sexual impropriety on the part of the former presidential hopeful, he's had to deal with telling his wife that he was paying another bitch's rent for 13 years, and now that other woman has given an interview explaining that Mr. Cain was lousy in bed.

Ginger White, the woman who Mr. Cain shared an extramarital "friendship" with talked to the Daily Beast about how she wasn't always in the moment while she had sex with him.

 "One time we were having sex, and I was looking up at the ceiling, thinking about 'What am I going to buy at the grocery store tomorrow? What am I going to do with my kids tomorrow?'"

-Ginger White, The Daily Beast

Wow... She's thinking about her kids while you're banging her, bro?  You know, Obama can make a bitch scream just by saying her name slow.

So while I want to have a little song and dance party, I won't. Because having some random woman, with a name that set her up to be either a stripper or on Gilligan's Island, says you suck in the sack, you need some sympathy.

Go on, Herman. I'll let this one slide. But you better believe that when Rick Santorum drops out of the race because he was caught giving Marcus Bachmann a rimjob, it's going to be a bloodbath!