Obama Vs. Romney Vs. Big Bird

I'm kind of on a hiatus. Mainly, I'm just busy and would rather spend my off-time watching shitty reality TV than pretending to be literate and witty three times a week.

However, today marks a much-anticipated event here at I'm Not Really a Barista--the first presidential debate.

Which means...

In this corner, weighing in at a brawny 195-pounds--the Mormon Monopoly Man, the whitest thing to come out of Detroit since any Eminem fan--Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney.

And in this corner, weighing in at a lean, mean 170-pounds--that Hawaiian guy who might be a Muslim or a Socialist or in blackface--Barack "I Killed Fucking Bin Laden" Obama.

Now while I'm still on my blogging diet and couldn't be funny if I tried, that doesn't mean that you people can't.

Here are some of my favorite tweets from the #PresidentialDebate.

@BigBirdRomney

@RobDelaney

@natashaleggero

@heyitstva

@ItsHeatherRose

@curlycomedy

@ItsReginaG

Well, I think that was a successful first debate. We've learned that if you drink every time someone says "top-down economics" you'll be dead in 20 minutes. That there's something called "clean coal" which I  assume is coal ran through a dishwasher. That Romneycare and Obamacare are NOT the same thing.

And that Mitt Romney hates Big Bird, probably because he assumes any 6'5 guy wearing yellow feathers wants to get gay married.

GOP Debate CliffsNotes

I'm back. 

I fought off my Flu. Or West Nile. Or Scurvy. Whatever hell-born illness that kept me in my bed watching Toddlers and Tiaras while taking copious amounts of Robotussin. By the way, I had no idea that drinking a couple bottles of cough syrup makes you trip balls but apparently it does. So it's been a pretty good week.

Anyways, I'm back just in time for the eighth and not-even-slightly unnecessary GOP debate being held tonight in Las Vegas. Yep, our favorite gaggle of entitled tools are here for another round of talking about why they should be the leader of the free world. I wish I cared enough to watch it, but as I mentioned earlier, I may be addicted to drugs now, so that means my vote goes to Ron Paul.

But for my loyal readers who may not be as confident in their pick, I've decided to gather up some of my favorite #GOPdebate, #Tweetthepress, #CNNdebate tweets to give you guys an overview of the event without having to watch that awful fucking thing.

•  @RexHuppke: I love it when they use the term "illegals." It so racist-y without *officially* being racist! #tweetthepress 
• @addiestan: Apparently Republicans like science when it comes to nukes; not so much when it comes to climate change. And monkeys. 
• @sbellelauren: michele bachman is a closet duggar please RT #tweetthepress
• @aishatyler: If Bachmann doesn't get the nom she can always audition for Julie the Social Director on the remake of "The Love Boat." #CNNdebate
• @pattonoswalt: A Mormon just complimented a black man on his chutzpah. #GOPDebate
• @nationallampoon: Romney's missing a great opportunity to run on a Polygamy platform & get 100% of the male vote. #GOPDebate
• @youngsinick: Every time I look at Rick Santorum I think, "So this is what Ted Haggard as a politician looks like?"
• @AdamWearsPants: I'm trying to picture Jesus telling the poor and unemployed to suck it. #TweetThePress
• @TheDweck: The weak performances of Rick Perry & Herman Cain at this debate are proof that Mitt Romney's magic underpants really do work #tweetthepress

Don't you feel informed now? Feel free to thank me with bottles of Robotussin.