Hooker with a Heart of Play-Doh

Ever seen Toddlers and Tiaras? Heard about it? No. Well, good for you. You obviously do productive things with your life. I bet you read and think reality tv is beneath you. Move along now. This blog is not for you.

Okay now that the pretentious douchenozzle is gone, we can get real! Did you hear about the the little girl on Toddlers and Tiaras whose mom dressed her up like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman?"

How adorable is that shit? I just want to shove dollar bills in her thigh-high pleather boots, but then ultimately rescue her from a life of slinging punani on Hollywood Boulevard. I want to take her to a polo match, watch as she retardly tries to eat snails, I want to take her to the opera and walk barefoot in the grass with her. 

But then I want to let her go, because it would never work. I mean, I'm a mediocre barista/blogger and she's a wily toddler of the night. But it would be a mistake. Big mistake, huge!

You see, I could never let her go. She broke my guard down. Made me love her. So, I'll go to her slum-motel with a dozen rosens, and I'll rescue her from that life, and you know what, she'll rescue me right back.

I'm going to go compose myself now. While I'm gone, watch this video.

Goddammit, someone give this little whore the crown.

Lolita: 2011 Edition

Not creepy. Nope, not at all.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

This is what I want to ask to the mom of 10-year-old girl, Thylane Blondeau, who posed like this in French Vogue.

"Are you high off your ass? Seriously, have you been licking a cactus, you crazy bitch?"

This is what I wanted to ask her when I read statements like this, which basically states that she doesn't see what the big deal is.

"I'm going to have a back-alley tubal ligation."

Which is what I'm going to do to make sure I don't have a little girl. Between this and "Toddlers and Tiaras" my ovaries are going to explode.

"Glad Warren Jeffs is in prison."

Well, that one is pretty self explanatory.