Fifty Shades of Black and Blue

Let me preface this post by saying that I haven't read Fifty Shades of Grey, nor do I really have any intention to--if I wanted an emotionally-damaged momma's boy to slap me around, I'd go to a Young Republican's meeting and wait--but that will not prevent me from making broad-sweeping generalizations about the book and its fanatical readers starting ... now.

What in the fuck, ladies? Are we really letting some bitch who wrote Twilight fan-fiction talk us into getting banged by a golf club while hog-tied? (I told you I didn't read it).

Now anyone who has read my blog for any period of time knows that I encourage the proud flying of the freakiest of flags, but the last thing we need is another impossible clit-lit dreamboat, with a slight character flaw (childhood abuse/wants to drain your blood), who will conquer his demons if the virginal leading lady just loves him enough.

Oh. Fucking. Please. Even I want to take away reproductive rights after hearing this shit.

It's not that I have anything against a cheap piece of erotica, personally I enjoy the '90s classic--Pretty Woman, but when I hear that a recent divorcee is scouring dating sites eager to be bound and gagged by a stranger/soulmate after reading this book cover to cover, I get a little nervous.

The divorcee I speak of is a friend. Recently separated from a cheating man who couldn't have found her clitoris with a GPS and a searchlight, she submerged herself in the Grey Trilogy to take her mind off things. The leading man was so hot. The sex so hot. She became convinced that this BDSM shit was something she needed to try out.

Only with no partner in sight, she turned to the Internet, Plenty of Fish to be precise, looking for a fish who would make her its bitch--it also wouldn't hurt if this fish was wildly attractive, insanely wealthy, and loved to cuddle.

However, she soon became aware that Christian Grey is a fictional character and that guys who agree to tie you up on the Internet, usually want to do so to steal your purse so they can buy bath salts.

I know this scenario is mighty stupid, and my friend is probably as naive as they come, but as Grey-inspired memes flood my Facebook wall and hardware stores sell out of rope, I wonder if my friend is not alone. Are women partaking in risky sexual behavior after reading Fifty Shades of Grey, the same way teenage girls began lapping up their own blood after devouring The Twilight Saga?

I want to believe this is not the case, that my ladies are smart and know that any kink you're unfamiliar with (or that could leave a bruise) should be experimented with slowly and with a trusted sexual partner.

Or Chris Brown. Chris Brown will gladly beat the fuck out of you too.

How Can I Get My Boyfriend to Punch Me in the Face?

Dear Allie,

I have a problem. I have been with my current boyfriend for a little over two years and everything has been great. We get along, he is sweet, and treats me good... Only thing is the sex is getting boring! He won't try anything new. He likes to "make love" slow and sexy, which is wonderful on valentines day! I want it rough and unpredictable. I want role play or foreplay, I'll take any kind of play at this point! He always says, "I love you" while we are having sex, I tell him not to say that. I want to be bossed around and yelled at, but he is uncomfortable doing this because he thinks of it as disrespecting me. He is a great guy and I love him but I can't have boring, predictable sex for the rest of my life! Please help me! How do I get him to toughen up in the bedroom?

Thanks,

**Desperate to be bitten**

First and foremost, Bitten, I want to thank you for believing enough in my gift of giving unqualified advice, that you would consent to letting me exploit you for the entertainment of the world... or my 20-ish followers. Good looking out. Now, on to the advice...

Bitten, it seems that you and your boyfriend have different sex styles. He's all, Boyz II Men circa “I'll Make Love to You,” and your like, Chris Brown circa beating the fuck out of Rihanna for adding too many syllables to the word umbrella.

Now, while there is something wrong with Mr. Brown punching a Barbadian songstress, there is nothing wrong with your desire for a little no-pants roughhousing. In my unprofessional opinion, you're probably looking for a little light BDSM.

Now, Bitten, have you tried talking your fella about your desire for unconventional sex. I mean, clothes-on talking, where you explain to him that not getting this type of sex is leaving you feeling unfulfilled. That while you love him, you two are not meshing sexually.

After this calm, level-headed, fully-clothed talk, you guys should try and come to some sort of compromise. He can throw you around and give you some bruises, that you will have to lie to your parents about, and then you throw down some rose petals, light some candles (that you will not burn him with, Bitten!) and make da luv.

In a perfect world, this compromise will open a new door for both of you. But if after a talk and some effort, he's still not coming around, it may be time for you to ask yourself how much this type of sex means to you. I'm assuming a lot since you wrote in to a stranger on the internet. Maybe you and this making-lovesick fella aren't sexually compatible.

But before you make any rash decisions, I suggest the talk and possibly buying an intro book, such as this one.

Good luck, Bitten. I hope it all works out, but if it doesn't, I hear Mr. Brown is single and ready to throw chairs at bitches.


XOXO Allie


P.S.If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!