The World Didn't End and I Have A Lot of Apologizing to Do.

Holy shit! We made it!

Sorry for being MIA, guys. I've been holed up in my fallout shelter (lovingly referred to as 'Michele Bachmann's Vagina' because it's dark and filled with spiderwebs from lack of use) preparing for the end of the world.

Well, don't I feel silly.

It appears the whole Mayan calendar prophecy was a sham, which makes sense. If the Mayans were that good at predicting the future they probably would have seen the Spanish coming.

Okay. Can I be honest with you guys?

I really didn't think the world was ending. I was just too busy trying to become Honey Boo Boo's mom's doppelganger by eating deep-fried turkey and shit.

This means I have no real excuse for not writing for a month, except that the holidays make me lazy. Come Thanksgiving I just want to lay on my couch in footie pajamas watching Miracle on 34th Street while sobbing into my tub of seasonal caramel popcorn. I don't have time to give a shit about the world or it's problems.

But I know I've missed a lot, and I promise to be back and better than ever after the holidays! I've got a lot of big plans for the future of I'm Not Really a Barista.

So stay tuned, my lovely little lambchops. Momma will be home soon. But first she has to go to the gym.

After I eat these Christmas cookies and watch Tori Spelling pretend she can act on ABC Family.

Confessions of an Absentee Blogger

Have you been thinking about me?

Wondering why I haven't had anything to say about Kristen Stewart being back in love with that sparkly, sparkly homeless guy? Or Mitt Romney thinking that 47 percent of Americans are super poor and gross.

Oh, you haven't ...

Not even a little?

Well, I've been thinking about you--mainly in the shower--but let's not worry about that.

Sorry, I've been MIA lately, guys. I am a moron and took on a huge project at work and now spend my days thinking about drinking Draino and my nights going to bed at 9 p.m.

Basically, I've been insanely busy, but that is absolutely no excuse to neglect my blog and you wonderful people.

However ... that's gonna be my excuse. But only for a little while longer and then I will be all yours.

But if you're aching for some Not Really a Barista contact, feel free email me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com with your sex/relationship/dating questions or just to say hi!

Now, I'm  off to take a shower and think about each and every one of you.