Why are you Talking in Acronyms? The Joys of Dealing with Teenagers.

I hate teenagers.

That's not an overstatement. If I could punch a 16 year old in the face without ending up on COPS, I would. But I can't, so I'm doing the next best thing--defaming them on my blog.

So back to my point, I really hate teenagers.

No, it's not just because I have no idea what "ratchet" means. Or because I can't twerk. Or because some sophomore in high school called me old. Bitch, I am 27, I will kill your family.

It's because they're assholes.

And while I understand that this is all a necessary stage in the maturing process, it doesn't mean I have to be cool with it. Sure babies scream all the time and piss themselves, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy the screaming or the piss.

And at least babies are cute some of the time. Teenagers are just oily, half-formed humans, who control way to much of what's playing on the radio. Why is Justin Beiber still a thing? And who is Harry Styles?

I know you're probably thinking, "Whoa, Allie, where is this coming from?"

Well, dear reader, in case you didn't catch on from the title of this blog, I'm a barista, and it's summertime. This means that instead of being locked away in school for eight hours a day, these little monsters are coming to the unnamed coffee establishment I work for and making me question how long I could survive in prison.

Let's set the scene, shall we? Two teenagers in a BMW pull up to the drive-thru window.

Barista: Hey, how are you?

Teen 1: (to Teen 2) Oh. Em. Gee, Tiffakneeeee, you have to watch this video Brian just posted on Instagram. He's sooo stupid but sooo Hoooottttt!

Barista: It's gonna be $9.30.

Teen 2: (Stank face given from passenger seat) Umm, I'm gonna need you to separate those drinks for us.

Barista: Okay, so the first one is gonna be $4.66. 

Teen 1: (Searches for money until Miley Cyrus song comes on radio. Turns up radio.) Miley has turned into such a slut. Did you see her video? You can totally see her pussy.

Teen 2: Ratchet bitch.

Barista: (Making mental note to Google Miley Cyrus video) Okay, it's gonna be $4.66.

Teen 1: GOD, hold on! I'm still trying to find my money. 

Teen 2: It's whatever. Just put the drinks back together.

Barista: Okay, so it's gonna be $9.30.

Teen 2: I want you to put  $3 on my card and the rest in cash. (Tiffakneeeee proceeds to  hand over an Amex, a rolled up $5 bill and handful of change.)

Barista: (Hands them their drinks) Have a good one.

Teen 1: (To Teen 2) God, that took long enough. And they didn't even put enough whip cream on it. So dumb. (Pulls away).

Do you see what I have to deal with? These little sub-humans are the reasons I come home and drink boxed wine. Where's the "It Gets Better" videos for the adults who have to deal with these little fuck-heads on a daily basis? But if it's any consolation, you can kinda see Miley's vag in that video.

Now seriously, what the hell does "ratchet" mean?

Maybe Child Abuse Isn't that Bad After All

It appears that a Rush Limbaugh/Ann Coulter/Glenn Beck gangbang spawned some sort of evil, bigoted lovechild about 14 years ago.

His name is Caiden Cowger. He "hosts" a show on YouTube, and is a real asshole. Don't believe me? Watch this video.

Thanks for the insights, Caiden. That's a super-straight name, by the way. I'll get back to you in just a sec.

As you can imagine, Caiden angered a lot of people with his opinions on homosexuality and the president, but the West-Virginia (suprising, right?) teen refused to back down. He has even created a new Youtube channel and is ready to spew more teenage-angst into the interwebs.

So, Caiden, I hear you have a problem with the gays. You think it's a choice. You think it's perverted. You think all your middle school homies are now sucking dick ever since Lady Gaga and the president came out in support of marriage equality. 

Man, that sounds tough. It's really hard to be 14, huh? I mean you have all of these opinions, but no one will listen to you.

But you want to know what's worse than that, Caiden?

Some 14-year-old punk having an opinion about fucking ANYTHING. I don't even want to have to sit next to a teenager at the movies, much less hear one pretend that he has any clue about the complexities of human sexuality.

And that's fine, at 14 you're not supposed to have concrete beliefs, because you haven't really been out in the world yet. I'm 26, and I'm still learning new things everyday. 

Caiden, I know I'm being hard on you. But you're obviously a precocious kid, and one day when you leave bumfuck West Virginia, you'll realize the ideas that have been shoved down your throat by the adults in your life may not be true. 

For example:

President Obama is not turning kids gay.

Homosexuality is not a choice.

Rush Limbaugh is not a role model.

Now if you've listened to nothing I've said thus far, listen to this. Recently a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that homophobia may be a result of repressed homosexual desire.

You know what that means, Caiden? 

That a lot of the people who talk about how wrong it is to be gay, end up being gay.

Sound familiar?