Dear Customers, Stop Being So Fucking Paranoid

I've been trying to avoid blogging about my job, because I'm pretty sure no one actually cares that making drinks for inbred hicks who couldn't spell macchiato if you put a gun to their head, makes me want to gauge my eyes out every single day. But some things just need to be addressed.


Dear Paranoid Customer, 


Why are you so weird about giving me your name for your cup? Seriously? I am asking for your first name, not your Social Security Number for christ's sake. Hell, you don't even have to give me your real name. You can make some shit up. I have literally written the name Glitter Dick on a cup, and it was incredible.


I understand that you feel some right to privacy. And that you are already on edge, because you are spending an exorbitant amount of money on something you feel you could do yourself, but please understand where I am coming from. All of the cups are placed in the same area and look identical for the most part, so when a cup is sat down without some identifiable feature it makes it easy for that cup to get taken by someone else. You know what that means? IT MEANS I HAVE TO REMAKE THAT FUCKING DRINK! And doing that 150 times a day makes me want to lace people's drinks with pubic hair.


Listen, I have no problem with you being paranoid. I get it. I think everyone is out to kill me. My level of paranoia is usually reserved for people who watch "The X-Files" and believe the Obama presidency is a Muslim conspiracy, but even I will give someone my name. BECAUSE IT IS JUST A FUCKING NAME! 


Now repeat after me, the next time I go into a store that provides handcrafted, caffeinated beverages and a barista, who is in no way responsible for the price of my latte, asks for my name, I will give it to him/her. Because they put up with enough shit without me sucking my teeth and rolling my eyes at a simple request.


Okay? Thanks a bunch.


Love always,


Your Barista




Wow! I feel better. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Now enjoy this video by my new hero. He was fired after this video went viral. On an unrelated note, I just want to reiterate that I do not work for any specific coffee company. Nope. Just one of the millions.