Sunday, June 22, 2014

Seven Things your Barista Wants you to Know.

The internet is now solely comprised of lists. I've written about this phenomenon before, but I feel like I just have to give up. Buzzfeed and Thought Catalog and every rip off of the two have taken over the world one "20 Things to Do as a 20 Something before You're a 30 Something" at a time.

I guess I'm not winning this battle.

But after seeing several pieces with names like "How to Piss Off Your Starbucks Barista" or "Things You Shouldn't Do at Your Coffee Shop" I felt I had to throw my two cents in--mainly because these assholes got it all kinds of wrong.

Particularly this one. It's all--don't say eXpresso, don't order weird stuff. Bitch, have you been a barista for three minutes? I have been doing this dumb shit for closer to a decade than I care to admit, and for the most part as long as I don't have to clean up your human waste WE ARE GOLDEN.

So without further ado...


1. WE'RE NOT GOING TO GO DOWN ON YOU. LIKE EVER. Lets make this clear. I know there is something super sexual about baristas, I know this because half of my readers find my blog while searching for barista porn (I see your googles, bro), but that doesn't mean that we are actually going to have sex with you. Mainly, because we're covered in various syrups and smell like a dumpster, but also because you just ordered a Strawberries and Creme Frappuccino, fool. In the unusual case your barista wants to give you a quick bathroom HJ, he/she will let you know--so don't try to woo us. But hey--if you talk the cute, little orange girl I work with into doing some irresponsible things with your genitals, more power to you. Quick Warning: Her favorite song is still Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines and she's thinks that having chlamydia gives her super powers. Have fun, dreamboat.

2. DON'T SHIT ON STUFF. It's upsetting to someone that doesn't have a child just how often I have to deal with other people's feces. But it's more upsetting that you can pay $5 for a latte but have not figured out how to use a toilet. What do you have Parkinson's of the asshole or something? It's not that hard. Sit down, do your business, FLUSH (you animals) and leave. Stop trying to hover! No one has contracted AIDS from pooping in a public restroom, unless their toilet seat was covered in dirty needles--in which case, I think it's best you wait until you get home, okay?

3. COFFEE IS NOT LITHIUM. Stop pretending that coffee is going to fix your defunct personality. If you cannot function in the real world before having a sip of your dark roast, you're not a caffeine addict, you're just a bitch. Work on that. Maybe with a trained therapist and a handful of mood stabilizers. Thanks a bunch.

4. EXCHANGE PLEASANTRIES WITH US. The answer to "hi, how are you doing today?" is not "medium cappuccino." So when I ask you, the aforementioned question and you respond with medium cappuccino, I'm going to make sure that someone with questionable hygiene makes your beverage. I understand that to you I am just some coffee monkey who is paid solely to provide you with a service, but that doesn't mean that this coffee monkey doesn't enjoy a little social interaction. Maybe I really care how your day is! Maybe I really care that your wife is screwing the dude that cleans your pool! Maybe I really care that you haven't had a non-pharmaceutical-assisted erection in 12 years! Nah, you're probably right, I don't care. Here's you're medium cappuccino that smells like athlete's foot.

5. STOP BITCHING ABOUT THE PRICE. It is no secret that this dumb shit is expensive. I know this, you know this--and guess what?! Complaining to the person at the bottom of the coffee company food chain about the price of your latte is not going to change that. Ohhh, you don't want to pay $7 for some moronic concoction of a caffeinated beverage you created? Well, let me send the CEO a snapchat letting him know. He definitely values my opinion.

6. DON'T GIVE ME MONEY FROM YOUR UNDERGARMENTS. This one doesn't need an explanation. You are a gahtdam savage.

7. IT'S JUST A NAME. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. So I misspelled your name. It was Kimberly with a C and two EE's. My bad, Cimberlee, but here's a thought, maybe you should be mad at your mom for not knowing how to spell your fucking name. Also, it's loud in here. There are a ton of things going on--milk steaming, timers beeping, and you're talking like Marcel the Shell. Or maybe I just can't spell, you ever thought of that? Maybe I'm an idiot who makes coffee for a living and spelling isn't exactly my forte. Does that mean that you should instagram my mistake, so you and all your friends can have MAD LOLZ at my expense? That's not nice. How about I make fun of you for not being able to pronounce macchiato or for ordering a coffee milkshake at 7am? Oh wait, I already do. Guess we're even, Tifanknee!


Brittany SSP said...

The last one really cracked me up. Having one of the most boring names ever, I really like "weird" names. But not weird spellings of normal names- it's ridiculous that I have to spell my name out for people b/c so many crazies have spelled it differently.

Kristen said...

I admit, I did Instagram a mispelling of my name on a coffee beverage ONCE. However, I only did it because it was such a clever and unique way to spell it that I wished my mom had come up with that herself. It was in admiration. Honestly!

Now everyone else, they're probably just being bitchy.

Jess said...

I'm not a barista but I can totally relate to #4 and #6. Ergh. said...

I just started working as a barista and stumbled upon this post. For that one week that I've been working there, I came across almost everything on this list. I'm not sure if that's funny or really sad... Oh well. I'm curious to see how the job treats me :)

Kat said...

Love this, especially number 7. Wish you were my barista. Xx