Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Confessions of an Absentee Blogger

Have you been thinking about me?

Wondering why I haven't had anything to say about Kristen Stewart being back in love with that sparkly, sparkly homeless guy? Or Mitt Romney thinking that 47 percent of Americans are super poor and gross.

Oh, you haven't ...

Not even a little?

Well, I've been thinking about you--mainly in the shower--but let's not worry about that.

Sorry, I've been MIA lately, guys. I am a moron and took on a huge project at work and now spend my days thinking about drinking Draino and my nights going to bed at 9 p.m.

Basically, I've been insanely busy, but that is absolutely no excuse to neglect my blog and you wonderful people.

However ... that's gonna be my excuse. But only for a little while longer and then I will be all yours.

But if you're aching for some Not Really a Barista contact, feel free email me at with your sex/relationship/dating questions or just to say hi!

Now, I'm  off to take a shower and think about each and every one of you.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Message to Self-Proclaimed Grammar Nazis

Hello friends,

I have a question. Is it just me or are self-proclaimed Grammar Nazis becoming more prevalent?

I feel like I can't get on Facebook, or Pinterest, or YouTube, or any of the other sites that occupy far too much of my life, without seeing a person do something like this.

Or this.

Congratulations! You have grammatical skills rivaling any child coming out of elementary school. That does not make you a Grammar Nazi. It barely makes you a Grammar Mall Cop.

Take that nonsense elsewhere.

Just because most people are idiots, does not mean that you are a genius for tackling the most basic form of grammar.

No one thinks, "looks like I'll be kissing cancer goodbye, cause homeboy who knows how to properly use a possessive will obviously be curing that shit in no time!"

It just doesn't matter that much. And you kind of look like as asshole--an asshole who is super freaking proud that they've mastered the grammatical equivalent of not shitting yourself. 

Listen, I'm not bad-mouthing anyone for thinking they're intellectually superior than a vast majority of the population -- hell, I've created a blog on that premise alone, but maybe we should take the self-praise down a notch. I mean, we all have our flaws.

If you asked me to do fourth-grade math, I would literally break out in a cold sweat. I can't do long division without a calculator and three Asians.

And that's my cross to bear.

I'm just saying, maybe we should relax with the whole passive-aggressive, grammar-correcting thing and instead focus all of our energy belittling a group that deserves such universal hatred.

Like people who take half-naked, self-photos in their bathroom.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Olympic Cycle Political Participants and the Bloggers that Hate Them.

I should probably be talking about politics--what with the RNC last week, the DNC this week, and a presidential election a mere 61 days away—but I just don't have it in me.

As someone who has branded herself a political blogger of sorts, I have a semi-scandalous confession. 

Election season makes me hate politics.

I know I can't be alone. I can hear the exasperated sighs from everyone when, yet another, political ad flashes on the TV screen, when your second cousin, with his eight-grade education, waxes poetically about the president being a Kenyan Muslim who collapsed the economy and the World Trade Center with one swoop of his half-black finger, and when every media outlet forgets their journalistic oath of unbiased coverage and picks a mother-fucking side like this is dodgeball.

It's not a secret, I'm a Democrat. A left-leaning Southern-born feminist, and I could write a goddamn novel about what it's like to have people around me think I'm a moron for my political beliefs. It would go a little something like this.

Now while I'm more than used to being in the political minority, I have a hard time listening to people who are what I like to call “Olympic-Cycle Political Participants”. You know the type, they actively participate in the presidential election, but couldn't tell you the name of their Senators if you put a gun to their head. They also always seem to scream the loudest—probably because they have to make up for all those years being political vegetables.

Now don't be misunderstood, OCPPs exist in both parties. But this is my blog, so I write about my truth-- a truth redder than 1980s Russian Shark Week.

These are the people that make this time particularly hard for me. Because while I'm extremely vocal on my blog about my opinions, I try to be respectful of others beliefs in my real life. I don't often post political messages on my personal social media sites, mainly because I realize the people who disagree with me are not going to be swayed by a snarky meme, just as I would not be if the roles were reversed.

I also am not interested in fighting with unarmed men. This may sound slightly arrogant, but I love politics. I follow it like most people follow professional sports. So I'm not going to argue with some once-every-four-year voter, just as I would not want to argue football with someone who knows what in the fuck a wingback is. (Thank you, boyfriend.)

But while I'm frustrated with the social-media zealots, the political ads and the Rush Limbaugh's of the world, I can't help but still tune it.

Just now, I watched Gabby Giffords lead the Pledge of Alligance at the DNC, and I can't help but feel lucky. Lucky to have a voice. Lucky to care enough to vote, to be an active political participant. Because November will come and go and OCPPs will go back to spamming my Facebook feed with Farmville updates and Nickelback videos, and I can go back to enjoying life.

But until then, I'll remember how grateful I feel right now as I watch this brave woman lead a room full of people who believe in the political process. I'll also remember that I have a deactivate account button. 

See you November 7th , Facebook.