Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hey Y'all! Meet Huddle House!

Dry your eyes, kiddos. Your favorite blogista is back from a weeklong hiatus, one which involved me stuffing my face with pieces of gravy-soaked pumpkin pie and stabbing a person with a whittled down toothbrush over a discounted iPad.

It was awesome.

But alas, back to reality, which means back to latte making.

Normally being a professional latte-maker is a pretty big pain in the ass. Primarily, because I have to deal with assface customers who treat coffee like it's a hit of crack, but recently my store has been made less than desirable because of a new employee.

Like any workplace, mine has it's unsightly cast of characters: the slightly racist orange girl, the Asian fetishist, the World of Warcraft player. But all these people have been put to shame after the recent pity-hire of a woman who I will lovingly refer to as “Huddle House.” 

For those not familiar with the Deep South diner-chain known as Huddle House, let me give you the lowdown. It's like Waffle House's white-trash cousin. It's only acceptable when completely drunk, because the likelihood of finding a band-aid in your omelet is pretty fucking high. You will also always see one or more of the following while dining: spousal abuse, child abuse, malt liquor in a brown paper bag, ropes as belts, bare feet, Nascar tattoos and/or Looney Tunes tattoos, etc. 

Now my co-worker “Huddle House” is a woman in her early 50s, has undoubtedly smoked three packs of Marlboro Reds everyday since she was 6, calls everyone "mama," and I'm pretty sure was only recently released from prison.

These facts would not be so horrible if they were the only problems, but besides making every member of the Westboro Baptist Church look like a classy motherfucker, she also has no idea how to make a drink after being an employee at our store for over a month. She also doesn't know how to pronounce the name of drinks. She also doesn't know how to count all that well... or spell. 

Basically, she personifies every negative stereotype that revolves around white people in the South.

Oh, and she fucked a customer. For money more than likely.

And she is basically un-fireable because she is the mother of my manager's best friend.

So this is what I'm dealing with at work, which is why I'm going to start pre-gaming before all of my shifts.

But I know I can't be alone on this guys. Do any of you have a “Huddle House” at your workplace? I want to hear some co-worker horror stories. I need something to give me strength when this woman talks about being a "tiger in the sack."

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

12:01 a.m. is technically still "Black Friday," so STFU!

It's that time, guys. Time for food, family, and shopping yourself into irrevocable post-holiday debt starting at midnight Thanksgiving night.

That is, unless "Black Thursday" protesters have anything to do about it. Target employees are not too thrilled of the new opening time for "Black Friday" shopping, which is 12:01 a.m., meaning that many employees will have to show up at 11 p.m. to ensure that the store is ready for that crazy bitch in the red tracksuit from the Target commercials. And they are pissed!

Employees flooded the Target headquarters with petitions asking the retailer to "Save Thanksgiving" by pushing the opening hours back, ensuring that they get a full day off for the holiday.

And to that I have to say, "Boo-fucking-Hoo!"

I feel no sympathy for Target protesters. You know why?

Well, yes, I do love the idea of scoring discounted DVDs after I have a late-night turkey sandwich, but besides that, the coffee corporation for which I am an employee has their stores open on Thanksgiving!

Yep, on the actual holiday baristas are scheduled to make handcrafted beverages for people with four-day weekends. We miss the Parade. The smell of the turkey cooking. The beginning of football. Just so people can get their caffeine fix before going to the houses of relatives they only see once a year.

Basically we're fucking saints. And do you hear us bitching (besides right now)? No! Because it's called customer service. You service the mother-fucking customer and customers tend to be off on holidays, and they're just aching to be serviced by us.

So sorry, Target Timmy, sometimes you got to do shit you don't want to do. Do you think ER doctors are super stoked that they have to work because dumbasses catch themselves on fire while trying to deep-fry turkeys? My guess is no. The same way baristas don't like missing Snoopy float through the NYC sky like some kind of helium-inflated angel because someone is just dying for a caramel macchiato.

But you deal with it, because there are more important things to worry about than whether or not you get a full 24 hours off, like feline AIDS or Michele Bachmann winning the Republican nomination.

You want to protest, Target Timmy? Protest that shit.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Help! My Friend Wants an Orgasm

Cut to the chase someone asked me:

I have never had an orgasm and was wondering how I can have a great one! I am down for anything.

I couldn't answer this, so I thought I would ask the next best person. Save me from giving bad sex advice.


It's been a couple weeks since I've received an email at I'm Not Really a Barista, and I was starting to think you guys didn't think my unqualified sex advice was good enough. 

But finally, an email, ahh sweet validation. So I'm going to make sure that this is the best advice I've ever given. Even better than that time I told Roberto Arango to show his asshole on Grindr

Okay, no named person, your friend wants to have an amazing first orgasm, but I'm curious is she wanting to have this orgasm with another person or by herself? If it's the latter than I suggest you tell your friend to find some stimulation, whether that be sexual fantasies/erotica/pornography/Neiman Marcus Holiday Catalog, just something that incites some sense of arousal and do some southern-hemisphere exploring. 

Depending on your friends level of comfort/knowledge of her body this may take time. It may not be something that happens the first time, but it will eventually happen.

Or you could just buy her this.

Now, if your friend is hoping to achieve an orgasm with a partner, well, that might be a little bit trickier. Hopefully, her chosen partner is not a graduate of the Jackhammer School of Sex or the "I couldn't find your clitoris with a GPS" School of Oral Sex. I would suggest that your friend basically do the same thing with her partner that she would do alone, masturbate with a couple extra hands. This is because a person who is not sure how to get their body to climax will probably face frustration if they leave their orgasm completely up to another person. You got to walk before you run. 

Or her partner could just use this.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow sex is really confusing!" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I'm Sleepy and Rick Perry is Dopey.

Hello all of you wonderful people that may or may not be reading this. I have been insanely busy the last few days and am currently nodding off like there was a sale at my local opium den, but it's Tuesday and I don't want to leave you all without a little something.

So enjoy this spoof of Rick Perry's CNBC debate gaffe.

Now, I'm off to, ummm... what's that word? Kitchen? No, it's not kitchen. Garage? Maybe? Kangaroo? Oh well. Nighty night.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Cosmo Teaches Us How to Sext. Thank God.

People are not sending any questions into I'm Not Really a Barista. Obviously, this means that everyone is completely content in their relationships, and/or they decided writing about anal to a stranger on the internet with no verifiable skills other than being snarky and making a latte isn't a great idea.

Either way, I'm sure people will be begging for my advice after I share some of Cosmopolitan's.

Yep, the mag who has been giving 17-year-olds some of the worst sex tips known to man is telling us how to send the HOTTEST TEXT MESSAGES EVA!!

So here you go ladies, try sending one of these bad boys to your significant other, and then when he questions your mental capacity, fire off an email to me.

The 10 Hottest Texts to Send to Send a Guy

At work having very NSFW thoughts about throwing you down on my desk...

I know you're busy today, but can you add one thing to your to-do list? Me.

Just got out of the shower. Why don't you come over and help me get dirty again?

In 30 minutes I'll be getting off. Will you be here to join in the fun?

Wish you were here... [With a picture of your inner thigh or cleavage — without showing anything X-rated.]

Had a very dirty dream about you last night. Let's reenact it tonight.

See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM

Using one hand to write this text and press the send button. Using the other hand to press MY button...

Practicing yoga poses...totally naked. Wanna see how flexible I am?

Just went to the bathroom at the [bar/party/restaurant] and took off my underwear. One less thing for you to remove tonight...

Hey Cosmo... You do realize that batshit-crazy lawmakers are trying to redefine "personhood" and take all of our reproductive rights away, right? Can we please stop giving them a leg to stand on.

BTW, if you totes want to get a guy to be DTF via text, how about you try this doozy: Wanna bang? 

Jeez, no wonder Snooki is a best-selling author.

P.S. I guess everyone thinks Cosmo's sex advice is dumb as fuck. Watch this guy get his dick assaulted. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Mississippi Defines Personhood. Spelling Personhood Still a Challenge, Though.

Really Mississippi? Really?

Citizens of Mississippi are voting for legislation today that would define "personhood." The legislation, known as Initiative 26, could impact the Morning After pill, birth control and would make abortion completely illegal, even in cases of rape or incest.

Because we want every embryo in Mississippi to be made into a child. Every. Last. One. I mean, nothing says genetic superiority like motherfucking Mississippi. 

I wish I had something funny to say, but I'm far too grossed out. Proponents of this amendment should be stabbed in their genitals

Watch this video for actual information on Initiative 26. I'm going to go take some birth control and enjoy my reproductive freedom before this dumb shit makes its way to Florida.

UPDATE: Initiative 26 was voted down by 58 percent of voters in Mississippi, but anti-choice zealots are still eager to get more "Personhood" initiatives on the 2012 ballots in Mississippi, Florida, Montana, Ohio, Oregon, Nevada and California.

So everyone who thinks this dumb-fuckery should be ended for good, contact you local lawmakers and let them know that you believe women should have more rights than a zygote.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Suck on it MILFS! I'm a BILF!

I've gotten a few awards in the past from wonderful people, who say kind things and make me feel good about myself in a way that my parents never could.

Although, typically I don't do the whole award-ceremony stuff, because, well, usually I talk about politicians screwing hookers or people eager for anal, and the kind of sentimentality I begin to feel when someone gives me an award just doesn't belong on the pages of this blog. I don't want to lose my street cred.

However, all that changed when the lovely gentleman at Thank Q presented me with the BILF Award (Blogger I'd like to Flog... Oh wait, I guess it's actually Fuck. Am I the only one into flogging?) 

This award is perfect for me, because I enjoy being sexually objectified, and I DOUBLE LOVE sexually objectifying others. So let the nominations begin.

Bloggers I'd Like to Fuck or Flog... or Maybe Just Cuddle and Watch "The Notebook" With
  • BlackLOG- One of my most loyal and most hilarious commenters. This kind of attention to detail makes him incredibly BILF-y. I would marry him for approximately 72 days.
  • When Life Gives You Vodka- Gabs puts the HOT in hot mess, and she may or may not be my internet soulmate. I would spoon the shit out of her.
  • In Review: Stuff and Things- Charles and I have a Twitter romance. He is also is really into peace and love, which goes to show that opposites attract. I would hate-fuck him.
  • Khaki, Not Cocky- Hello gorgeous. Nhya is beautiful and a great writer. I would make her my famous chocolate-chip cookies and hold her hand like it was going out of style. 
  • Oh Noa- I owe over half of my pageviews to her. She's hysterical and a blogging beast. I would be her leather-clad gimp.
  • A Beer for the Shower- I possibly love these men more than my boyfriend, mainly because he is not nearly as creative with MS Paint. I would let them "Boy. Boy. Girl." me. Then we'd have a beer in the shower.
So there you go. I'm a BILF. The bloggers above are BILFS. And all of my readers are RILFS. 

You all wanna, like, meet up somewhere, take some Ecstasy, and see what happens? 

No? Okay, I'll just go watch "The Notebook" then.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

True Love Waits. Blue Balls? Not so Much.

It's Thursday, and you know what that means.

Let's talk about sex, baby.

Okay, I'm sorry for that. I will never use early '90s hip-hop lyrics in reference to a blog topic again. That was wrong of me.

Anywho, since obviously people are not fucked up enough to write into I'm Not Really a Barista, I've decided to share some opinions on sex education. If you have been paying attention to the news or Twitter, you are probably aware that the topic of sex education has been in the media a lot.

Like in Wisconsin. Oh Wisconsin.

Recently, legislation has passed the state Senate that will require public schools to stress abstinence education. This would make Wisconsin the 27th U.S. State that is pushing abstinence until marriage in place of sex education.

Really, 27 states? More than half of the country is encouraging horny high-schoolers to keep it in their pants until marriage, and this is supposed to end well.

I remember being given abstinence-only education in high school. I remember the 14-year-old girls sporting purity rings after signing a pledge to keep themselves pure until their wedding night. I remember bracelets emblazoned with the words “True Love Waits.” Then I remember the next year when about 10 of those same girls got knocked-up. I guess, purity is really overrated when you're dry-humping in the back of a Ford Focus.

I hope that this legislation doesn't pass in Wisconsin, because at least it was warm where I lived, so I can only imagine how much boning these purity-stricken teens will do in the dead of winter.

But on a positive note, at least MTV will have new candidates for “16 and Pregnant.” Because true love might wait, but raging erections tend to be rather impatient.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

You're kidding me, right? Part II

Meet Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi. This is her second book. She is also a New York Times Bestselling Author. I just thought everyone participating in #NaNoWriMo should know that this is what you are up against. 

I'm going to go do some research on law school and cry for a little while.